Sexy Weight Loss

Scale this morning said 247.

A calm has come over me since reaching my goal of 250. And, I'm finding I'm finding my true sense of self and style.

Saturday I went out to do some of my census work. My regular work clothes were dirty, but I had a black shirt dress that I had just bought.

I was surprised to find that I felt fear putting the dress on. For one, it's an item of clothing that I think only thin people should wear. The other thing that was interesting was this nagging feeling that I would get raped wearing something like that.

The rape thought was interesting to me - it wasn't that I was attractive enough to be raped, which is in and of itself an interesting thought. But, the thought that it would be so easy for someone to just lift up the skirt, rip down the panties, and go. I felt a feeling of dread, of "putting it out there," of "asking for it" as I walked out the door.

I went and knocked on some doors, and one woman let me in. She neither complimented my outfit or complained. I just ... was. I realized she had no prior expectations of me or my clothing choices, and what I was wearing was just fine.

But then, I decided to go walk along the lakefront on my walk home. As I walked toward the beach, I had three guys smile and say hi to me. They were not threatening. They were not attacking me. They were simply offering ... attention.

This was a big deal to me. I haven't had a guy look at me since I started this whole weight gain experience. Or, if they have, I haven't been noticing.

So, the guys were heavy themselves, I'm not going to say they were gods giving me winks and nods. However, having their reactions made me realize what attraction is all about.

I was finally at a point of acceptance of myself, and I think that is what these guys picked up on and reacted to. It took a lot of courage for me to go out in that dress - a dress that would be considered conservative and non-sexy on any body. But I did it, and I felt calm for the first time in my life about wearing a dress. I was not worrying about who would find my outfit slutty, like I feel when I'm thin; or dumpy, which is how I feel when I am fat. I simply was wearing something that I liked. I was presenting ... me.

I think some of my co-workers are unwittingly reacting to my new sense of self as well. This weekend, a couple of the guys asked me if I've lost weight. I found this to be a nice little irony, but at the same time, emotionally, I feel like I have. Like a weight has been lifted. I think it comes across to other people.

That's all for today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.