Salutations and sorries, non-existent blog audience. I've been gone a while from writing here.
No real reason for the gap in chatting with you, aside from the fact that I tend to go into a burrow like a wounded cheetah when something big is troubling me. I'm celebrating that I discovered my pulling away relatively quickly. Last time I did that, it was sometime in 2005 and I didn't come out of it until sometime in September, 2008.
Anyway, I had a big revelation the other day, meant to come write about it, but then forgot to and now I can't remember what I was going to write. It could have been about how I went and did another past life regression, and how this time we think I had a spirit attached to me, because of various aspects of the regression that were not your typical past life regression experience. It's funny, I do these regressions, I believe in their help in clearing up this-life issues, but to talk about them, I still have skepticism on their validity. However, since I have now apparently erradicated this attached spirit that I didn't know I was toting around with me, I have noticed that I am now craving that raw food lifestlye that I had embarked on a couple years ago, instead of the insatiable sugar cravings that I've been experiencing for the last two-ish years. Which is how long we think this spirit has been attached to me. I don't know if this stuff is true or not, non-existent blogdience. All I know is that the other day I noticed I had been preparing raw cuisine again, and I had NOT been able to get myself to make any raw foods for a very long time. Will past-life regressions become the new necessity in weight loss? Well, if I end up finding my weight falling off since getting rid of that "spirit" - maybe. Until then, I'll keep blogging with you, both of my readers who stumbled on this blog searching for "Myley Cyrus, hair extensions". We'll just have to wait and see.
Still trying to figure out that revelation I had, cuz it was a good one. Until I remember it, maybe I'll just tell you about how being Wellness Captain at work is going. You remember, of course, that I am a 37-year-old, 234-pound woman of German ancestry. The fact that I am our company's Captain of Wellness is more than a little ironic to me. I think it might be a great blessing in disguise, though.
My manager and I decided that we would do Fresh Fruit Fridays. Yesterday, being a Friday, was our first day. I went, got some apples, oranges and bananas, just to get us started with the safe and familiar. I want to work up to exploring other fruit options, but anyway, for now, I started with the tried and true.
It was an amazing experience. Seriously. I was thinking on the way home last night how I have a lot of positive associations with un-healthy foods: Burgers and Fries; these bring up memories of going out to lunch with my Dad when I was a little kid. Pizza; my mom, dad, younger brother and me going out for a fun and relaxing (read: No Dishes For Me To Do! YEA!!) dinner out at Pizza Hut. Eating Oreos with my brother. Eating ice cream with my Dad. Cinnamon rolls my mom made. I have many positive associations with junk foods.
The only memories I have around fruit is feeling like it was second best. We'd ask Mom, "What's for dessert?" and she'd retort, "There's bananas in the cupboard and fruit cocktail down below." That's not dessert! You can't offer me mushy, high-fructose corn-syrup soaked canned fruit when I'm craving mushy, hydrogenated-oil based milk-soaked Oreos! Seriously.
Yesterday, though, gave me positive associations with fruit. Everyone was so excited to have fresh fruit. I'm probably just projecting my own feelings onto others, but I've noticed that there seems to have been a shift in Work-Place Treat Ettiquette. It used to be, you'd bring in a cake or donuts, people would go crazy for it. Now, they kind of cringe, like at the end of a night out, when everybody's tired and sleepy, and somebody says, "Hey, let's open another bottle of wine!" You try to get excited about it. But physically, you just can't do it.
I think we're at that same point as a society with our love for junk food. We know it's more fun to eat junk than healthy food; yes, this we know. But we're just plain ... exhausted. But what can we do? What's next? We know we can't possibly eat healthy. It's too hard. Yet, we can't keep up physiologically with eating the heavy creams with pastas, the juicy steaks and buttery potatos, the creamy desserts, the sugary drinks. We treat ourselves with these foods in an effort to show love to our friends, our families. Ourselves. But if that's what we're doing it for, why isn't it working? Why are we all so damned exhausted? And angry?
This little shot of fruit yesterday at work was the shot everybody seemed to be needing. The interesting thing for me was how happy it made people.
As I was assembling the fruit into a fruit tray in the break room, some of my co-workers were in there and laughing and joking with me as I set it up. They were so happy to see fresh fruit, it surprised me. Then, over the course of the day, people would come up and thank me for the fruit. One guy said, hey, know what? I had the sniffles coming in to work today, so I grabbed one of the oranges, and it's just what my body needed - I feel all better now. Another, who I haven't met yet, introduced himself to me and said, Hey, That was really nice of you to do. I said, well, the company provided the money for it; I just executed the plan. He said, well, it was really nice. Thanks for doing it.
That simple act of getting fruit created ... love. They felt loved for having it provided. And I got love back for getting it done. It was so cool.
I got thinking about what a nice day it was, and it got me thinking that, maybe, that feeling of being loved and cared for is all we are ever seeking - we've just decided as a society to channel it through a restaurant menu. Kind of like how we have to channel access to God through a specific religion, we've removed direct access to love and determined there are different kinds of love. Right? There's the kind of love you show through a dinner at Applebee's; there's another kind of love through a dinner at the Olive Garden. Red Lobster has it's own type. Dinner at a fancy restaurant is another type of love - a better type of love. A More Loved love. McDonald's, Taco Bell, Burger King - they are all love. Love On The Run, I think? I suppose we could boil this down all day, but it all comes back to attempts at demonstrating - and executing - acts of love. Maybe this is all we've known. Maybe there's other ways we can do it.
Well, I never did remember my big revelation, but I definitely think that's enough for today. Thanks so much for listening. Until next time ... remember Man that you are Love and unto Love you shall return. Love, ... Me.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Food=Mom, Money=Dad
Yesterday I got thinking about the following.
I have two what I would consider major addictions in my life right now; food chowing and money spending. As I was driving in to work yesterday, I got thinking about that.
I've felt for many years that I'm carrying extra weight around as a sort of tribute to my mom's weight struggles. Like a physical representation that I feel for her and understand her, that I'm not judgemental about her weight - and to prove it, I carry extra weight, too. Doesn't do much for me on a personal level, but somehow, deep down, it seems very important to me to do that.
Then, I was thinking about my money situation. I get very angry with credit card companies - for example, I feel like they entice me in to use their card, they love me, they cajole me, they stroke me in. Then, when I agree, when I use the card as much as they want me to, it feels like they turn on me. They won't change the payment date for me, so I have trouble paying on time because their due dates are due j u s t after the first of the month, when rent is due also. So I need to get a paycheck ahead which never seems to happen. I feel like I give them what they want. But I don't feel they give me what I want. If it were a relationship, they are doing all the taking, and I am struggling to do my end to continue the giving.
So I get mad at them. And I start doing late payments. And I get this, "fuck you," attitude towards them. And I feel angry and betrayed because I did for them - what the fuck are they doing for me? So I - I think, mind you, I think i'm doing this - I withold payment from them as a protest and a punishment. You want you're payment, huh? Oh yeah? Well, fuck you. You don't work with me - I don't work with you. That's right. Fuck you up your ass.
I'm driving and I'm letting these thoughts tumble around in my head, and I realize - my Dad and I are very similar in this way. Publicly, we are oh so nice and fun and amiable! But when it comes to paying bills, it's a whole nother peronsality.
A bill would come due, and my dad would get completely indignant - like, yeah. I know I owe you the money. I don't have it. What the fuck are you going to do about it? Oh. That's right. Not a fucking thing. Cuz I don't fucking have the money to pay you right now. I don't know when I'm going to have the money. Well, I guess that's your problem then, isn't it. So go to hell you money grubbing fuck. Go. To. Hell.
Only, my Dad never said that to them. He'd grumble, never really swearing but the fuck yous were evident in his actions. Mom took care of the bills, made the arrangements to pay them or what have you. My Mom didn't like paying bills late. Dad never said it, but it seemed to me that Mom's approach was considered a sign of weakness in my Dad's mind. Keep in mind - I don't really know what my Dad thought of this. I would think he'd be grateful to Mom's fiscal abilities. But, I always kind of felt my Dad resented my Mom's responsibility with money. She was the saver; he the spender. Spend he did. Save she couldn't - anytime she got a little money, he'd spend it. They must have really loved each other, because to me that sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I really hardly ever remember them fighting. I think they fought more silently, through subtle jabs and resentments, but that's another blog entry.
Back to the revelation. I've always had this feeling that those who pay their bills on time are annoying little kiss-asses. Oh! Do what they tell you! Don't think on your own! Don't acknowledge that those fucking companies are just taking your money from you! Act like the good kid! Go to hell!
I do this often with my credit card bills ... or any bill in general. The company will provide me their service, and I'll get the bill, and it makes me physically angry. Not so much that I have to pay them - I'm fine with paying them. It's that they have the nerve to tell me when. You don't tell me when to pay my bills. They are *MY* bills and I will pay them when *I* want! You want my money, right? Well, then *****I***** *****will***** *****give***** *****you***** *****my***** *****money***** *****when***** *****I***** *****am***** *****good***** *****and***** *****ready*****. *****Fuck***** *****you****. *****Don't***** *****you***** *****tell***** *****me***** *****what***** *****I***** *****should***** *****or***** *****shouldn't***** *****be***** *****doing***** *****with***** *****my***** *****money.***** *****Go.***** *****To.***** *****Hell.*****
So, the due dates are like goals, right? The goal is to pay by this date. Fuck that goal. Just like setting weight-loss goals. X number of pounds lost by this date is a goal. Well, I have generally had a feeling of fuck that goal, too. Anything in my life - if there is a date attached to it, I instantly feel like that person is trying to cramp my style by setting a completion date for it. The only other person I know who is just as resistant to due dates and pre-planning is... my dad.
And it occured to me - a lot of times in psychology, they say how the kids pick up on their parents need for achievement - this tends to be the job of the oldest child. Not always, I know, different families work differently, but generally, the oldest child gets the job of being the achiever in the family. Or maybe it's the boy. Either way, in every family, I would say one child either as a conscious decision or a subconscious decision, takes on that positive role. It might give them stress or a lot of pressure. But generally we view the role of "achiever" as a positive role to take on.
OK - so if one of the kids gets assigned to do the positive things in life the parent may be afraid to fully attempt ... maybe one of the kids takes on the task of doing the negative things the parent would love to attempt but won't. I know a lot of psychology talks about the troubled kid doing negative actions to draw attention to the trouble in the family, becoming the scapegoat for the families dirty secrets. But maybe that trouble-making kid is doing the things on behalf of the parent who wants to do those actions but can't now that the society expects the parent to act like a grown up. But the kid isn't a grown up. So the kid could do that stuff.
I don't know if there is psychological evidence on this or not, but suddenly, it felt true to me that I was living out some of the negative behavior wishes of both my parents. I don't have any kids to suffer from my fiscal mis-behaving. So I can mis-behave all I want. I no longer live in a small town - I live in the Big City, where hiding your financial Fuck Yous is very easy. That's not so easy a task in a small town, where you personally know everyone not only at the bank, but at the businesses you do business with. You can't tell these people to fuck off. They will tell others. No, in a small town you can't do those things. But in the Big City you can. In a Big City it's expected. And I happen to, and have always wanted to, live in a Big City.
In case you haven't figured it out by now, I think I'm the one who's living the life doing some of the negative actions that my parents maybe wanted to do but couldn't do outright.
I'm thinking it might be time for me to lay their issues on their own altars. I'm thinking it's time for me to decide how I want to live my own life ... and to go ahead and live it that way.
Thanks for listening. Until next time.
I have two what I would consider major addictions in my life right now; food chowing and money spending. As I was driving in to work yesterday, I got thinking about that.
I've felt for many years that I'm carrying extra weight around as a sort of tribute to my mom's weight struggles. Like a physical representation that I feel for her and understand her, that I'm not judgemental about her weight - and to prove it, I carry extra weight, too. Doesn't do much for me on a personal level, but somehow, deep down, it seems very important to me to do that.
Then, I was thinking about my money situation. I get very angry with credit card companies - for example, I feel like they entice me in to use their card, they love me, they cajole me, they stroke me in. Then, when I agree, when I use the card as much as they want me to, it feels like they turn on me. They won't change the payment date for me, so I have trouble paying on time because their due dates are due j u s t after the first of the month, when rent is due also. So I need to get a paycheck ahead which never seems to happen. I feel like I give them what they want. But I don't feel they give me what I want. If it were a relationship, they are doing all the taking, and I am struggling to do my end to continue the giving.
So I get mad at them. And I start doing late payments. And I get this, "fuck you," attitude towards them. And I feel angry and betrayed because I did for them - what the fuck are they doing for me? So I - I think, mind you, I think i'm doing this - I withold payment from them as a protest and a punishment. You want you're payment, huh? Oh yeah? Well, fuck you. You don't work with me - I don't work with you. That's right. Fuck you up your ass.
I'm driving and I'm letting these thoughts tumble around in my head, and I realize - my Dad and I are very similar in this way. Publicly, we are oh so nice and fun and amiable! But when it comes to paying bills, it's a whole nother peronsality.
A bill would come due, and my dad would get completely indignant - like, yeah. I know I owe you the money. I don't have it. What the fuck are you going to do about it? Oh. That's right. Not a fucking thing. Cuz I don't fucking have the money to pay you right now. I don't know when I'm going to have the money. Well, I guess that's your problem then, isn't it. So go to hell you money grubbing fuck. Go. To. Hell.
Only, my Dad never said that to them. He'd grumble, never really swearing but the fuck yous were evident in his actions. Mom took care of the bills, made the arrangements to pay them or what have you. My Mom didn't like paying bills late. Dad never said it, but it seemed to me that Mom's approach was considered a sign of weakness in my Dad's mind. Keep in mind - I don't really know what my Dad thought of this. I would think he'd be grateful to Mom's fiscal abilities. But, I always kind of felt my Dad resented my Mom's responsibility with money. She was the saver; he the spender. Spend he did. Save she couldn't - anytime she got a little money, he'd spend it. They must have really loved each other, because to me that sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I really hardly ever remember them fighting. I think they fought more silently, through subtle jabs and resentments, but that's another blog entry.
Back to the revelation. I've always had this feeling that those who pay their bills on time are annoying little kiss-asses. Oh! Do what they tell you! Don't think on your own! Don't acknowledge that those fucking companies are just taking your money from you! Act like the good kid! Go to hell!
I do this often with my credit card bills ... or any bill in general. The company will provide me their service, and I'll get the bill, and it makes me physically angry. Not so much that I have to pay them - I'm fine with paying them. It's that they have the nerve to tell me when. You don't tell me when to pay my bills. They are *MY* bills and I will pay them when *I* want! You want my money, right? Well, then *****I***** *****will***** *****give***** *****you***** *****my***** *****money***** *****when***** *****I***** *****am***** *****good***** *****and***** *****ready*****. *****Fuck***** *****you****. *****Don't***** *****you***** *****tell***** *****me***** *****what***** *****I***** *****should***** *****or***** *****shouldn't***** *****be***** *****doing***** *****with***** *****my***** *****money.***** *****Go.***** *****To.***** *****Hell.*****
So, the due dates are like goals, right? The goal is to pay by this date. Fuck that goal. Just like setting weight-loss goals. X number of pounds lost by this date is a goal. Well, I have generally had a feeling of fuck that goal, too. Anything in my life - if there is a date attached to it, I instantly feel like that person is trying to cramp my style by setting a completion date for it. The only other person I know who is just as resistant to due dates and pre-planning is... my dad.
And it occured to me - a lot of times in psychology, they say how the kids pick up on their parents need for achievement - this tends to be the job of the oldest child. Not always, I know, different families work differently, but generally, the oldest child gets the job of being the achiever in the family. Or maybe it's the boy. Either way, in every family, I would say one child either as a conscious decision or a subconscious decision, takes on that positive role. It might give them stress or a lot of pressure. But generally we view the role of "achiever" as a positive role to take on.
OK - so if one of the kids gets assigned to do the positive things in life the parent may be afraid to fully attempt ... maybe one of the kids takes on the task of doing the negative things the parent would love to attempt but won't. I know a lot of psychology talks about the troubled kid doing negative actions to draw attention to the trouble in the family, becoming the scapegoat for the families dirty secrets. But maybe that trouble-making kid is doing the things on behalf of the parent who wants to do those actions but can't now that the society expects the parent to act like a grown up. But the kid isn't a grown up. So the kid could do that stuff.
I don't know if there is psychological evidence on this or not, but suddenly, it felt true to me that I was living out some of the negative behavior wishes of both my parents. I don't have any kids to suffer from my fiscal mis-behaving. So I can mis-behave all I want. I no longer live in a small town - I live in the Big City, where hiding your financial Fuck Yous is very easy. That's not so easy a task in a small town, where you personally know everyone not only at the bank, but at the businesses you do business with. You can't tell these people to fuck off. They will tell others. No, in a small town you can't do those things. But in the Big City you can. In a Big City it's expected. And I happen to, and have always wanted to, live in a Big City.
In case you haven't figured it out by now, I think I'm the one who's living the life doing some of the negative actions that my parents maybe wanted to do but couldn't do outright.
I'm thinking it might be time for me to lay their issues on their own altars. I'm thinking it's time for me to decide how I want to live my own life ... and to go ahead and live it that way.
Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
For Love of Money and Food and Money and Food and
I've been reading about addiction.
I've been talking with people who have done Alcoholics Anonymous as well as Overeaters Anonymous.
I know that sugar is my drug.
I hate saying that sugar is my drug.
Cuz for everyone else, sugar is just candy. Just harmless. Just nothing.
I'm the one with the problem. Sugar is not the problem - I am. I am the problem.
I am the one who has to break up the fun sugar party; the fun, playful, yet seriously vicious search for anything at work that's got just a little bit of the sugar in it? All I need is a little bit of it. I don't have cash for something from the vending machine. Anybody got any little sweet thing? Anybody bring anything in? Anybody willing to lend me a dollar for the vending machine?
Attending the Debtor's Anonymous meetings, it seems chic to be involved in more than one 12-Step program. For example, many people are also in Alcoholics Anonymous. Many times people will talk at Debtor's Anonymous meetings and mention that they've been in another 12-Step program for many years, but that they are new to this one. There is a joke about how credits don't transfer from one to the other. So, I pick up on a lot of the Alcohlics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous battles, too.
The thing I find intriguing about it is that we join these programs to get ourselves clear ... but then ... OOPS! There's another addiction I have to work on! I'm just busy BUsy BUSY overcoming all these addictions and shortcomings of mine! Oh, me!
I have the same thing - i think my spending and my eating are my two biggets problems. However, my realizaiton of these problems have come at a point when I have decided that I have to really focus on changing careers, creating the life I want, moving in another direction. So my question is: is the sudden realization that we need to work on our addictions a real part of the quest? Or is it creative distractions caused by a mind resistant to the changes we seek to make?
HOld on - I have to interject something here. I'm typing this blog, about eating mind you. For dinner last night I had two 6-inch Home Run Inn Tomatoe and Cheese pizzas. That was it. This morning, I had one left, and ate that for breakfast. I know this stuff is not scientifically documented, but I just had some post-nasal drip run out of my nose and touch my lip. I immediately grabbed a tissue to wipe it up - but what struck me is that I am sitting here writing about addiction as one of the side effects of the addiction showed itself to me.
Let me just give a few of the side effects of a sugar addiction.
The most subtle is the runny nose, cuz that can be blamed on many things; allergies, a cold, my cats. Second side effect from the eating, I won't placed it just on sugar; my fingers are all peeling the skin again. It's like the excess gets pushed out of my extremities; which brings in the stuff happening in my nose. My nose once again has the scab that will not go away on the top inside of my left nostril. I am often scraping off what feels like a yeast-like substance here, and sometimes, it seems to be still attached and creates bleeding and therefore, the scab. While this is gross to describe, I admittedly find it disturbingly fascinating on a physioligical level.
And finally, I'm fat. Now - it this due to the sugar? Well, I could eat just the sugar, which is fat free in and of itself. But sugar doesn't do much for me in just the sugar format. I prefer it with dairy, such as in ice cream, pizza, and this truffle mouse cake that I cannot seem to get enough of. I find I need to balance out all the sugar with some salt, so that I can eat more sugar. So, fattening, salty foods are needed to balanced out my system, for I definitely cannot just live on sugared items. It doesn't make me feel good on it's own. I need fats to balance me out.
What's the scientific need for that? It's like my body is desperately trying to balance out my addiction for me. Isn't that kind of my body? I just keep dumping and dumping and dumping on it. And it just keeps trying to do right by me. I wonder how long before my body has had enough.
And this is where the whole fasting thing comes into play. I'm not really feeding anything right now but an addiction. I might get a touch of protein from the pizza, a touch of a vegetable serving from the tomato - isn't that a fruit, anyway? But regardless, I'm not currently giving myself many nutrients. I am giving myself my addiction. Again, starving myself with fattening foods.
So, here's where I don't want to be the bad guy on this. The maker's of Home Run Inn pizza are not trying to create an evil product. They are producing a fun product. They are creating a restaurant where you can go and enjoy being served a meal and to bond with your family. The makers of the cake I'm hooked on did not intend to create a form of crack for me. They are and have intended to be a part of the celebrations and happy moments in our lives. They didn't intend to create a food that acts like a drug when it's in my system.
It's a drug in my system. I'm not saying it's a drug in everyone's system.
But then again - maybe I am?
Raw foodists claim that ANY cooked food, even fresh healthy broccolli becomes non-food, becomes a foreign entity, becomes a toxin, once it's been cooked. So, the only way for me to get the nutrients from the tomato is to eat the tomato as is. Maybe with a little salt. Actually, that sounds really yummy. But I digress.
My point is, I think I am in a lot of shame right now over the fact that I have this addiction. I mean, what bullshit is that? That I am addicted to the very thing that nurtures us. It's like saying you can't love your mother because she's bad for you. Hm. That might not be the best analogy. Or, maybe it's a perfect analogy.
This morning, I was on a phone call for Debtor's Anonymous. At the end of the meeting they have what they call Fellowship, where people kind of hang on the line and chat. At one point, a guy from out East says, "I know we can't really answer this here, but what do you suppose makes different kids from the same family choose different habits?" He went on to say that when he was just out of high school, all his friends were doing pot and heroin and you name it they did it drugs. And he says, "Drugs were being handed out like candy, and I didn't do a one of them. But then I get my first gas bill for $4, and I'm like, I'm not paying this."
That resonated with me a lot. I am the 4th of five kids in my family, and all of them -- ALL of them, are successful and make more than comfortable livings. Except me. Well, I make a comfortable living, but my spending is so out of control.
Same with my eating. All of my famly members are at healthy, relatively lean weights. I simply REFUSE to excercise, to diet, to drink enough water, to eat right. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've done them all. And gotten positive results from doing them. And then it's like once I know the results are positive, i say, OK, got to do something else, then. It's like I want to be the pioneer, but get lonely on the trail. So I go back to the areas where I know people are hanging out. And there are lots of people hanging out in addictions. There are also people who have blazed the trail that I think I've so bravely pioneered. So then I think I get sad because I realize I'm really not discovering anything new. It's just new to me.
It's such a mess. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
I've been talking with people who have done Alcoholics Anonymous as well as Overeaters Anonymous.
I know that sugar is my drug.
I hate saying that sugar is my drug.
Cuz for everyone else, sugar is just candy. Just harmless. Just nothing.
I'm the one with the problem. Sugar is not the problem - I am. I am the problem.
I am the one who has to break up the fun sugar party; the fun, playful, yet seriously vicious search for anything at work that's got just a little bit of the sugar in it? All I need is a little bit of it. I don't have cash for something from the vending machine. Anybody got any little sweet thing? Anybody bring anything in? Anybody willing to lend me a dollar for the vending machine?
Attending the Debtor's Anonymous meetings, it seems chic to be involved in more than one 12-Step program. For example, many people are also in Alcoholics Anonymous. Many times people will talk at Debtor's Anonymous meetings and mention that they've been in another 12-Step program for many years, but that they are new to this one. There is a joke about how credits don't transfer from one to the other. So, I pick up on a lot of the Alcohlics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous battles, too.
The thing I find intriguing about it is that we join these programs to get ourselves clear ... but then ... OOPS! There's another addiction I have to work on! I'm just busy BUsy BUSY overcoming all these addictions and shortcomings of mine! Oh, me!
I have the same thing - i think my spending and my eating are my two biggets problems. However, my realizaiton of these problems have come at a point when I have decided that I have to really focus on changing careers, creating the life I want, moving in another direction. So my question is: is the sudden realization that we need to work on our addictions a real part of the quest? Or is it creative distractions caused by a mind resistant to the changes we seek to make?
HOld on - I have to interject something here. I'm typing this blog, about eating mind you. For dinner last night I had two 6-inch Home Run Inn Tomatoe and Cheese pizzas. That was it. This morning, I had one left, and ate that for breakfast. I know this stuff is not scientifically documented, but I just had some post-nasal drip run out of my nose and touch my lip. I immediately grabbed a tissue to wipe it up - but what struck me is that I am sitting here writing about addiction as one of the side effects of the addiction showed itself to me.
Let me just give a few of the side effects of a sugar addiction.
The most subtle is the runny nose, cuz that can be blamed on many things; allergies, a cold, my cats. Second side effect from the eating, I won't placed it just on sugar; my fingers are all peeling the skin again. It's like the excess gets pushed out of my extremities; which brings in the stuff happening in my nose. My nose once again has the scab that will not go away on the top inside of my left nostril. I am often scraping off what feels like a yeast-like substance here, and sometimes, it seems to be still attached and creates bleeding and therefore, the scab. While this is gross to describe, I admittedly find it disturbingly fascinating on a physioligical level.
And finally, I'm fat. Now - it this due to the sugar? Well, I could eat just the sugar, which is fat free in and of itself. But sugar doesn't do much for me in just the sugar format. I prefer it with dairy, such as in ice cream, pizza, and this truffle mouse cake that I cannot seem to get enough of. I find I need to balance out all the sugar with some salt, so that I can eat more sugar. So, fattening, salty foods are needed to balanced out my system, for I definitely cannot just live on sugared items. It doesn't make me feel good on it's own. I need fats to balance me out.
What's the scientific need for that? It's like my body is desperately trying to balance out my addiction for me. Isn't that kind of my body? I just keep dumping and dumping and dumping on it. And it just keeps trying to do right by me. I wonder how long before my body has had enough.
And this is where the whole fasting thing comes into play. I'm not really feeding anything right now but an addiction. I might get a touch of protein from the pizza, a touch of a vegetable serving from the tomato - isn't that a fruit, anyway? But regardless, I'm not currently giving myself many nutrients. I am giving myself my addiction. Again, starving myself with fattening foods.
So, here's where I don't want to be the bad guy on this. The maker's of Home Run Inn pizza are not trying to create an evil product. They are producing a fun product. They are creating a restaurant where you can go and enjoy being served a meal and to bond with your family. The makers of the cake I'm hooked on did not intend to create a form of crack for me. They are and have intended to be a part of the celebrations and happy moments in our lives. They didn't intend to create a food that acts like a drug when it's in my system.
It's a drug in my system. I'm not saying it's a drug in everyone's system.
But then again - maybe I am?
Raw foodists claim that ANY cooked food, even fresh healthy broccolli becomes non-food, becomes a foreign entity, becomes a toxin, once it's been cooked. So, the only way for me to get the nutrients from the tomato is to eat the tomato as is. Maybe with a little salt. Actually, that sounds really yummy. But I digress.
My point is, I think I am in a lot of shame right now over the fact that I have this addiction. I mean, what bullshit is that? That I am addicted to the very thing that nurtures us. It's like saying you can't love your mother because she's bad for you. Hm. That might not be the best analogy. Or, maybe it's a perfect analogy.
This morning, I was on a phone call for Debtor's Anonymous. At the end of the meeting they have what they call Fellowship, where people kind of hang on the line and chat. At one point, a guy from out East says, "I know we can't really answer this here, but what do you suppose makes different kids from the same family choose different habits?" He went on to say that when he was just out of high school, all his friends were doing pot and heroin and you name it they did it drugs. And he says, "Drugs were being handed out like candy, and I didn't do a one of them. But then I get my first gas bill for $4, and I'm like, I'm not paying this."
That resonated with me a lot. I am the 4th of five kids in my family, and all of them -- ALL of them, are successful and make more than comfortable livings. Except me. Well, I make a comfortable living, but my spending is so out of control.
Same with my eating. All of my famly members are at healthy, relatively lean weights. I simply REFUSE to excercise, to diet, to drink enough water, to eat right. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've done them all. And gotten positive results from doing them. And then it's like once I know the results are positive, i say, OK, got to do something else, then. It's like I want to be the pioneer, but get lonely on the trail. So I go back to the areas where I know people are hanging out. And there are lots of people hanging out in addictions. There are also people who have blazed the trail that I think I've so bravely pioneered. So then I think I get sad because I realize I'm really not discovering anything new. It's just new to me.
It's such a mess. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Soft Addict
I am waiting for my dehydrator.
Nothing can happen until I get my dehydrator.
I've been eating mini Home Run Inn cheese pizzas, Dunkin Donuts Dunkacinos, and my truffly mouse cake from Jewel. That's been my diet for at least the last week.
It's pretty much apparent to me that I am addicted to these foods. It's not just a matter of not eating them - if it were that simple, I'd have been not eating them this whole time.
So the dehydrator will fill in something for me when i get it. It will allow me to fill in the need to eat little pizzas and desserts with healthy little pizzas and desserts. Replace the bad with the good. And i'm not doing a thing until I get the thing that can make the things I eat good.
I've been feeling rather bad about my inability to do the fast that I'd been talking about for so long. A couple things have happened in the last couple days to assuage my guilt and remind me maybe there is a reason for my ineffectiveness.
I have been reminded of these studies out there that say for you to effectively give up one habit, you need to replace it with another. We know how this works - you give up smoking and start chewing tobacco. Or you give up drinking and replace it with pot. Ideally we'd replace it with ... exercise! Or kicking tin cans in an angry rage ... whatever you decide to be your replacement, you need it - or you will feel empty and not know what to do when you do stress out and really want to go do your old stress relief habit.
Ok. My favorite, end all be all, love of my life stress reduction habit is eating. Drinks don't do it for me like a big piece of cake does. Exercise does work, but it lacks the soothing muscle-memory of chew, swallow, repeat until you pass out from a food coma for me.
The point of this blog, to me, is not to just talk and laugh about my inability to stop these habits. I am back up to 237 pounds thanks to my ha!ha!ha! resistance to stop these habits. My health truly is on the line. I've been seeing my eating in a different light, noticing signs of the problem instead of acting like everything is fine. It's not. I've got to make the changes, and I've got to do it in a way that can stick with me.
And it's all on the dehydrator now. No pressure, dehydrator. You are the baby that's being born to save Mommy's marriage. Make it happen, little dehydrator. Make it happen.
This must be why when people are going through major changes like this they write about it after the fact so all the stumbles and falls along the way are seen as just stumbles and falls that lead to the goal. Right now, I feel like I fell, and reporting that feeling in real time is very uncomfortable.
So, I am waiting not-so-patiently until I get this year's bonus check. And with it, I am buying a dehydrator. Also, I'm going to treat myself to a colonic. It's going to be one of the most rocking ways I've ever spent $400 in my life! Woo!
That's all I have for today. No - wait. One last thing. I have to get this off my chest: last night I hung out with a friend of mine from a self-help group I used to do work with. I no longer do work with this group, and she keeps asking me if I'm going to come back to it whenever I see her. Quite honestly, this drives me nuts. And I know that I used to do that when I was doing work there, too. So that's been a great mirror for me to see how it makes people feel to get that treatment. It really pissed me off. Like nothing that you discover about yourself is valid unless it is discovered through them. It's just a little much.
Ok. That's all I have for today. Thanks for listening - until next time.
Nothing can happen until I get my dehydrator.
I've been eating mini Home Run Inn cheese pizzas, Dunkin Donuts Dunkacinos, and my truffly mouse cake from Jewel. That's been my diet for at least the last week.
It's pretty much apparent to me that I am addicted to these foods. It's not just a matter of not eating them - if it were that simple, I'd have been not eating them this whole time.
So the dehydrator will fill in something for me when i get it. It will allow me to fill in the need to eat little pizzas and desserts with healthy little pizzas and desserts. Replace the bad with the good. And i'm not doing a thing until I get the thing that can make the things I eat good.
I've been feeling rather bad about my inability to do the fast that I'd been talking about for so long. A couple things have happened in the last couple days to assuage my guilt and remind me maybe there is a reason for my ineffectiveness.
I have been reminded of these studies out there that say for you to effectively give up one habit, you need to replace it with another. We know how this works - you give up smoking and start chewing tobacco. Or you give up drinking and replace it with pot. Ideally we'd replace it with ... exercise! Or kicking tin cans in an angry rage ... whatever you decide to be your replacement, you need it - or you will feel empty and not know what to do when you do stress out and really want to go do your old stress relief habit.
Ok. My favorite, end all be all, love of my life stress reduction habit is eating. Drinks don't do it for me like a big piece of cake does. Exercise does work, but it lacks the soothing muscle-memory of chew, swallow, repeat until you pass out from a food coma for me.
The point of this blog, to me, is not to just talk and laugh about my inability to stop these habits. I am back up to 237 pounds thanks to my ha!ha!ha! resistance to stop these habits. My health truly is on the line. I've been seeing my eating in a different light, noticing signs of the problem instead of acting like everything is fine. It's not. I've got to make the changes, and I've got to do it in a way that can stick with me.
And it's all on the dehydrator now. No pressure, dehydrator. You are the baby that's being born to save Mommy's marriage. Make it happen, little dehydrator. Make it happen.
This must be why when people are going through major changes like this they write about it after the fact so all the stumbles and falls along the way are seen as just stumbles and falls that lead to the goal. Right now, I feel like I fell, and reporting that feeling in real time is very uncomfortable.
So, I am waiting not-so-patiently until I get this year's bonus check. And with it, I am buying a dehydrator. Also, I'm going to treat myself to a colonic. It's going to be one of the most rocking ways I've ever spent $400 in my life! Woo!
That's all I have for today. No - wait. One last thing. I have to get this off my chest: last night I hung out with a friend of mine from a self-help group I used to do work with. I no longer do work with this group, and she keeps asking me if I'm going to come back to it whenever I see her. Quite honestly, this drives me nuts. And I know that I used to do that when I was doing work there, too. So that's been a great mirror for me to see how it makes people feel to get that treatment. It really pissed me off. Like nothing that you discover about yourself is valid unless it is discovered through them. It's just a little much.
Ok. That's all I have for today. Thanks for listening - until next time.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Corn
I've been rather upset with myself, as I have not resumed my fast. I have no desire to resume the fast. I give up, Jesus. You can fast for 40 days. I cannot. It appears that you are the chosen son, afterall.
Last night I came home from work and went through my Netflix cue. One of the ones I had in there was called, "King Corn." The description of the movie said it was the story of two just-graduated from college guys who learned that their generation was the first generation in our history who is not projected to outlive their parents. The reason: the way they eat - fast food, soda, etc. The guys tracked their eating, and then had a professor do a hair analyzation to see what it said about the biological composition of their bodies. The result came back: Corn. The guys found this interesting, and so decided to go to Iowa for a year to grow an acre of corn and to learn about its role in our food chain.
The results are a little disconcerting. The following couple of paragraphs contain spoilers about the movie, so you might not want to continue reading this until after you go watch the movie for yourself. And yes, I know it's a movie, and that I can't base my opinions off the opinions of a couple college kids. Problem is, those college kids talked with professors from different universities around the country, including Harvard; doctors, and people in the supply chain themselves.
For me, having grown up on a farm, it filled in a lot of blanks. It was as if I had this big section of the puzzle of my life that I couldn't get to fit, and their experience and research filled in the blanks. For example, the movie touches on the fact that the corn that grows in the fields that we see growing all over the country is unedible. I remember as a kid, we had some neighbors who didn't farm, they just owned a little house by a little creek, and they had a good-sized vegetable garden that they would plant to feed themselves. Included in their garden, they had a couple rows of sweet corn. I asked my dad if we could do like them and go get some corn from the field to eat. He laughed, and said, I know - you would think we could eat this corn. But we can't, it's not edible. He broke off an ear and let me try to bite into it. There was no biting in - it was rock hard and tasted awful. He said the corn we grow is not the same. The field corn we grow is grown to feed the cows and pigs that become our meat. Humans don't eat the corn we grow.
That didn't make sense to me. How can we produce fields and fields of stuff that we can't eat? How come there aren't fields and fields and fields of broccoli? Cauliflower? Carrots? For me, this "King Corn" movie came along and easily put the pieces in that were missing in my picture.
Corn.
As I've tried to do this latest fast, I've been realizing that there are certain foods that I am having an especially hard time letting go of. Corn is one of them.
I have eaten and consider a Raw Foods diet eating nirvana. I have eaten sugar in comparison. Raw foods made me feel clear, clean, calm, and in tune with my intuition and divine connection. Sugared foods create a feeling much like that of being drunk to me - foggy, sloppy, and blocked. I generally was pretty happy when I was drunk - and while sugar gives me that feeling for about 30 minutes to an hour, once it runs its course, I am left feeling angry and full of rage.
How this relate to the Corn movie:
In the movie, it showed them refining the corn to corn syrup. It showed how we feed cattle, pigs and chickens corn, and that becomes part of their biomass - and therefore ours. They showed the two guys who made the movie enjoying a typical meal of burgers, fries, and a soft drink ... and how the entire meal boiled down to one thing: corn. Even the fries, fried in probably corn oil. And even though they are still potatoes, they are a starch. Which boils down in our system to ... sugar.
I will be getting a bonus this month, and with it I am planning on buying a dehydrator, so I can prepare some healthy foods that I can take on the go. As I've been contemplating and looking forward to starting a self-made raw foods diet, I've been trying to figure out how I can do one food in particular: Corn Chips.
I have gotten over my love of potato chips. I don't crave chocolate chip cookies so much any more. Even brownies have lost their luster during this past year of experimenting with foods and their effects on my system.
And as I've started eating my beloved avocado and grapefruit salad, I've been scooping it up into me on a Frito's Scoop corn chip. I've been researching how to make raw corn chips. They can be made - just have to dehydrate them and they are now "healthy" instead of "unhealthy".
The movie last night made me realize that maybe there is a reason corn is not used that much in raw cooking.
It made me realize that maybe for me, I need to drop the corn for a while. I'm not interested in living a life of never eating corn again. But i do think my body probalby has enough of it for a while. I think things need to get balanced out in there.
So. There it is. It all goes back to the addiction, and it all makes sense. And it also made me realize that those days when I am ready to kill someone for a hamburger, french fries and soda, that I'm really craving my drug. That even that "protein" is not really protein. It's a disguised form of sugar.
Now that I have properly identified my adversary, I can appropriately fight him.
Overall, I am feeling so much better. I can deal with that. It has taken the last couple years to really pull apart and inspect my foods, to determine which are drugs and which are nourishment. But I feel it's paying off - even if the scale isn't saying so yet.
I have a recent blog about going to lunch with a co-worker, and how the "Drunken Noodles" did, in fact, make me feel drunk. Aside from that revelation, the good thing that happened during that lunch was that my co-worker ordered some crab rangoon. A former favorite dish of mine, the plate landed on the table, and he offered me some. And although I had fond memories of the creamy inside with the crispy outer shell, and the sweet sauce mixing with the salty rangoon - at that moment, all I saw was me having a slight asthmatic attack after consuming it. And I had no desire to experience that. I told my co-worker, oh, thank you. They look really good, but I really have bad allergic reaction to the dairy filling in them. He said, oh, yeah? OK. he said. And just like that, I chose my health. Slowly, oh so slowly, I am getting there. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Last night I came home from work and went through my Netflix cue. One of the ones I had in there was called, "King Corn." The description of the movie said it was the story of two just-graduated from college guys who learned that their generation was the first generation in our history who is not projected to outlive their parents. The reason: the way they eat - fast food, soda, etc. The guys tracked their eating, and then had a professor do a hair analyzation to see what it said about the biological composition of their bodies. The result came back: Corn. The guys found this interesting, and so decided to go to Iowa for a year to grow an acre of corn and to learn about its role in our food chain.
The results are a little disconcerting. The following couple of paragraphs contain spoilers about the movie, so you might not want to continue reading this until after you go watch the movie for yourself. And yes, I know it's a movie, and that I can't base my opinions off the opinions of a couple college kids. Problem is, those college kids talked with professors from different universities around the country, including Harvard; doctors, and people in the supply chain themselves.
For me, having grown up on a farm, it filled in a lot of blanks. It was as if I had this big section of the puzzle of my life that I couldn't get to fit, and their experience and research filled in the blanks. For example, the movie touches on the fact that the corn that grows in the fields that we see growing all over the country is unedible. I remember as a kid, we had some neighbors who didn't farm, they just owned a little house by a little creek, and they had a good-sized vegetable garden that they would plant to feed themselves. Included in their garden, they had a couple rows of sweet corn. I asked my dad if we could do like them and go get some corn from the field to eat. He laughed, and said, I know - you would think we could eat this corn. But we can't, it's not edible. He broke off an ear and let me try to bite into it. There was no biting in - it was rock hard and tasted awful. He said the corn we grow is not the same. The field corn we grow is grown to feed the cows and pigs that become our meat. Humans don't eat the corn we grow.
That didn't make sense to me. How can we produce fields and fields of stuff that we can't eat? How come there aren't fields and fields and fields of broccoli? Cauliflower? Carrots? For me, this "King Corn" movie came along and easily put the pieces in that were missing in my picture.
Corn.
As I've tried to do this latest fast, I've been realizing that there are certain foods that I am having an especially hard time letting go of. Corn is one of them.
I have eaten and consider a Raw Foods diet eating nirvana. I have eaten sugar in comparison. Raw foods made me feel clear, clean, calm, and in tune with my intuition and divine connection. Sugared foods create a feeling much like that of being drunk to me - foggy, sloppy, and blocked. I generally was pretty happy when I was drunk - and while sugar gives me that feeling for about 30 minutes to an hour, once it runs its course, I am left feeling angry and full of rage.
How this relate to the Corn movie:
In the movie, it showed them refining the corn to corn syrup. It showed how we feed cattle, pigs and chickens corn, and that becomes part of their biomass - and therefore ours. They showed the two guys who made the movie enjoying a typical meal of burgers, fries, and a soft drink ... and how the entire meal boiled down to one thing: corn. Even the fries, fried in probably corn oil. And even though they are still potatoes, they are a starch. Which boils down in our system to ... sugar.
I will be getting a bonus this month, and with it I am planning on buying a dehydrator, so I can prepare some healthy foods that I can take on the go. As I've been contemplating and looking forward to starting a self-made raw foods diet, I've been trying to figure out how I can do one food in particular: Corn Chips.
I have gotten over my love of potato chips. I don't crave chocolate chip cookies so much any more. Even brownies have lost their luster during this past year of experimenting with foods and their effects on my system.
And as I've started eating my beloved avocado and grapefruit salad, I've been scooping it up into me on a Frito's Scoop corn chip. I've been researching how to make raw corn chips. They can be made - just have to dehydrate them and they are now "healthy" instead of "unhealthy".
The movie last night made me realize that maybe there is a reason corn is not used that much in raw cooking.
It made me realize that maybe for me, I need to drop the corn for a while. I'm not interested in living a life of never eating corn again. But i do think my body probalby has enough of it for a while. I think things need to get balanced out in there.
So. There it is. It all goes back to the addiction, and it all makes sense. And it also made me realize that those days when I am ready to kill someone for a hamburger, french fries and soda, that I'm really craving my drug. That even that "protein" is not really protein. It's a disguised form of sugar.
Now that I have properly identified my adversary, I can appropriately fight him.
Overall, I am feeling so much better. I can deal with that. It has taken the last couple years to really pull apart and inspect my foods, to determine which are drugs and which are nourishment. But I feel it's paying off - even if the scale isn't saying so yet.
I have a recent blog about going to lunch with a co-worker, and how the "Drunken Noodles" did, in fact, make me feel drunk. Aside from that revelation, the good thing that happened during that lunch was that my co-worker ordered some crab rangoon. A former favorite dish of mine, the plate landed on the table, and he offered me some. And although I had fond memories of the creamy inside with the crispy outer shell, and the sweet sauce mixing with the salty rangoon - at that moment, all I saw was me having a slight asthmatic attack after consuming it. And I had no desire to experience that. I told my co-worker, oh, thank you. They look really good, but I really have bad allergic reaction to the dairy filling in them. He said, oh, yeah? OK. he said. And just like that, I chose my health. Slowly, oh so slowly, I am getting there. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
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