Soft Addict

I am waiting for my dehydrator.

Nothing can happen until I get my dehydrator.

I've been eating mini Home Run Inn cheese pizzas, Dunkin Donuts Dunkacinos, and my truffly mouse cake from Jewel. That's been my diet for at least the last week.

It's pretty much apparent to me that I am addicted to these foods. It's not just a matter of not eating them - if it were that simple, I'd have been not eating them this whole time.

So the dehydrator will fill in something for me when i get it. It will allow me to fill in the need to eat little pizzas and desserts with healthy little pizzas and desserts. Replace the bad with the good. And i'm not doing a thing until I get the thing that can make the things I eat good.

I've been feeling rather bad about my inability to do the fast that I'd been talking about for so long. A couple things have happened in the last couple days to assuage my guilt and remind me maybe there is a reason for my ineffectiveness.

I have been reminded of these studies out there that say for you to effectively give up one habit, you need to replace it with another. We know how this works - you give up smoking and start chewing tobacco. Or you give up drinking and replace it with pot. Ideally we'd replace it with ... exercise! Or kicking tin cans in an angry rage ... whatever you decide to be your replacement, you need it - or you will feel empty and not know what to do when you do stress out and really want to go do your old stress relief habit.

Ok. My favorite, end all be all, love of my life stress reduction habit is eating. Drinks don't do it for me like a big piece of cake does. Exercise does work, but it lacks the soothing muscle-memory of chew, swallow, repeat until you pass out from a food coma for me.

The point of this blog, to me, is not to just talk and laugh about my inability to stop these habits. I am back up to 237 pounds thanks to my ha!ha!ha! resistance to stop these habits. My health truly is on the line. I've been seeing my eating in a different light, noticing signs of the problem instead of acting like everything is fine. It's not. I've got to make the changes, and I've got to do it in a way that can stick with me.

And it's all on the dehydrator now. No pressure, dehydrator. You are the baby that's being born to save Mommy's marriage. Make it happen, little dehydrator. Make it happen.

This must be why when people are going through major changes like this they write about it after the fact so all the stumbles and falls along the way are seen as just stumbles and falls that lead to the goal. Right now, I feel like I fell, and reporting that feeling in real time is very uncomfortable.

So, I am waiting not-so-patiently until I get this year's bonus check. And with it, I am buying a dehydrator. Also, I'm going to treat myself to a colonic. It's going to be one of the most rocking ways I've ever spent $400 in my life! Woo!

That's all I have for today. No - wait. One last thing. I have to get this off my chest: last night I hung out with a friend of mine from a self-help group I used to do work with. I no longer do work with this group, and she keeps asking me if I'm going to come back to it whenever I see her. Quite honestly, this drives me nuts. And I know that I used to do that when I was doing work there, too. So that's been a great mirror for me to see how it makes people feel to get that treatment. It really pissed me off. Like nothing that you discover about yourself is valid unless it is discovered through them. It's just a little much.

Ok. That's all I have for today. Thanks for listening - until next time.