Food=Mom, Money=Dad

Yesterday I got thinking about the following.

I have two what I would consider major addictions in my life right now; food chowing and money spending. As I was driving in to work yesterday, I got thinking about that.

I've felt for many years that I'm carrying extra weight around as a sort of tribute to my mom's weight struggles. Like a physical representation that I feel for her and understand her, that I'm not judgemental about her weight - and to prove it, I carry extra weight, too. Doesn't do much for me on a personal level, but somehow, deep down, it seems very important to me to do that.

Then, I was thinking about my money situation. I get very angry with credit card companies - for example, I feel like they entice me in to use their card, they love me, they cajole me, they stroke me in. Then, when I agree, when I use the card as much as they want me to, it feels like they turn on me. They won't change the payment date for me, so I have trouble paying on time because their due dates are due j u s t after the first of the month, when rent is due also. So I need to get a paycheck ahead which never seems to happen. I feel like I give them what they want. But I don't feel they give me what I want. If it were a relationship, they are doing all the taking, and I am struggling to do my end to continue the giving.

So I get mad at them. And I start doing late payments. And I get this, "fuck you," attitude towards them. And I feel angry and betrayed because I did for them - what the fuck are they doing for me? So I - I think, mind you, I think i'm doing this - I withold payment from them as a protest and a punishment. You want you're payment, huh? Oh yeah? Well, fuck you. You don't work with me - I don't work with you. That's right. Fuck you up your ass.

I'm driving and I'm letting these thoughts tumble around in my head, and I realize - my Dad and I are very similar in this way. Publicly, we are oh so nice and fun and amiable! But when it comes to paying bills, it's a whole nother peronsality.

A bill would come due, and my dad would get completely indignant - like, yeah. I know I owe you the money. I don't have it. What the fuck are you going to do about it? Oh. That's right. Not a fucking thing. Cuz I don't fucking have the money to pay you right now. I don't know when I'm going to have the money. Well, I guess that's your problem then, isn't it. So go to hell you money grubbing fuck. Go. To. Hell.

Only, my Dad never said that to them. He'd grumble, never really swearing but the fuck yous were evident in his actions. Mom took care of the bills, made the arrangements to pay them or what have you. My Mom didn't like paying bills late. Dad never said it, but it seemed to me that Mom's approach was considered a sign of weakness in my Dad's mind. Keep in mind - I don't really know what my Dad thought of this. I would think he'd be grateful to Mom's fiscal abilities. But, I always kind of felt my Dad resented my Mom's responsibility with money. She was the saver; he the spender. Spend he did. Save she couldn't - anytime she got a little money, he'd spend it. They must have really loved each other, because to me that sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I really hardly ever remember them fighting. I think they fought more silently, through subtle jabs and resentments, but that's another blog entry.

Back to the revelation. I've always had this feeling that those who pay their bills on time are annoying little kiss-asses. Oh! Do what they tell you! Don't think on your own! Don't acknowledge that those fucking companies are just taking your money from you! Act like the good kid! Go to hell!

I do this often with my credit card bills ... or any bill in general. The company will provide me their service, and I'll get the bill, and it makes me physically angry. Not so much that I have to pay them - I'm fine with paying them. It's that they have the nerve to tell me when. You don't tell me when to pay my bills. They are *MY* bills and I will pay them when *I* want! You want my money, right? Well, then *****I***** *****will***** *****give***** *****you***** *****my***** *****money***** *****when***** *****I***** *****am***** *****good***** *****and***** *****ready*****. *****Fuck***** *****you****. *****Don't***** *****you***** *****tell***** *****me***** *****what***** *****I***** *****should***** *****or***** *****shouldn't***** *****be***** *****doing***** *****with***** *****my***** *****money.***** *****Go.***** *****To.***** *****Hell.*****

So, the due dates are like goals, right? The goal is to pay by this date. Fuck that goal. Just like setting weight-loss goals. X number of pounds lost by this date is a goal. Well, I have generally had a feeling of fuck that goal, too. Anything in my life - if there is a date attached to it, I instantly feel like that person is trying to cramp my style by setting a completion date for it. The only other person I know who is just as resistant to due dates and pre-planning is... my dad.

And it occured to me - a lot of times in psychology, they say how the kids pick up on their parents need for achievement - this tends to be the job of the oldest child. Not always, I know, different families work differently, but generally, the oldest child gets the job of being the achiever in the family. Or maybe it's the boy. Either way, in every family, I would say one child either as a conscious decision or a subconscious decision, takes on that positive role. It might give them stress or a lot of pressure. But generally we view the role of "achiever" as a positive role to take on.

OK - so if one of the kids gets assigned to do the positive things in life the parent may be afraid to fully attempt ... maybe one of the kids takes on the task of doing the negative things the parent would love to attempt but won't. I know a lot of psychology talks about the troubled kid doing negative actions to draw attention to the trouble in the family, becoming the scapegoat for the families dirty secrets. But maybe that trouble-making kid is doing the things on behalf of the parent who wants to do those actions but can't now that the society expects the parent to act like a grown up. But the kid isn't a grown up. So the kid could do that stuff.

I don't know if there is psychological evidence on this or not, but suddenly, it felt true to me that I was living out some of the negative behavior wishes of both my parents. I don't have any kids to suffer from my fiscal mis-behaving. So I can mis-behave all I want. I no longer live in a small town - I live in the Big City, where hiding your financial Fuck Yous is very easy. That's not so easy a task in a small town, where you personally know everyone not only at the bank, but at the businesses you do business with. You can't tell these people to fuck off. They will tell others. No, in a small town you can't do those things. But in the Big City you can. In a Big City it's expected. And I happen to, and have always wanted to, live in a Big City.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I think I'm the one who's living the life doing some of the negative actions that my parents maybe wanted to do but couldn't do outright.

I'm thinking it might be time for me to lay their issues on their own altars. I'm thinking it's time for me to decide how I want to live my own life ... and to go ahead and live it that way.

Thanks for listening. Until next time.