Good morning! As of 9:00 this morning, I will have completed my first 14 day water fast. I missed reporting on Thanksgiving Day, so let's cover that and then get into a wrap up of what's changed, what hasn't, and what's going to happen next.
Thanksgiving Day. I currently live in Chicago, and just found out that they have a Thanksgiving Day parade, very similar to Macy's in New York. I really wanted to go this year. Maybe it was my subconcious helping me get through Thanksgiving without being drilled about why I'm not eating, but I decided I really wanted to go.
It went from 8 - 11 am. I didn't feel the need to stay for the whole thing, but I did want to go down and see a little bit of it. My family all live in south central Wisconsin, and this year's Thanksgiving was rather loose since we had just seen each other the Saturday before at my Dad's big birthday bash.
I call my sister-in-law, tell her I want to go check out the parade for a bit, and then I will be up. They were eating at 12:30. I knew I would not get there in time for that. I said to go ahead and eat without me - I'll be up after that.
It worked out great - Mick went to the parade with me - just to touch on this, I realized that morning that all my girlfriends either live out of town, or simply are not up for the same early morning activities that I am. I saw other girls together down there, and I felt a little envious - I just couldn't think of a single other friend who'd be willing or available to get up that early. I also operate pretty last minute, just finding out about things before they happen. Just a side note.
So we go to the parade, stay a good half and hour. On my way onto the road to Wisconsin, I stop at a grocery store and pick up some pie for dessert. I am trying to make myself appear as normal as possible. Then, I was on my way.
Traffic was light, I was up there quickly. I walked in and they had just cleared off the table from eating. I was so relieved - 15 minutes earlier, and it would have been here Ann have this here Ann have that you must eat! They are all at healthy weights, its not like we're this obese family. I just am trying to break my patterns.
Anyway, the day was nice. Nobody cared I didn't eat. If anything, I think they were glad I wasn't at the table; I don't eat meat any more, and I never really made an announcement about it, I just passed the meat plate, and my brother called me out. So I told them I have a hard time eating meat now. They find it strange and annoying.
So I got through Thanksgiving just fine. The pie I got, I have to admit, looked amazing when I cut into it to serve. But, being so close to the finish line on this fast, I didn't feel overly compelled to eat it. I got through the day, got back home, and all was well.
I just want to touch on the ease with which this fast has gone for me. I think it's gone easy simply because I was ready for it. I have attempted getting back on the wagon with healthful eating, and they failed. I knew I wasn't ready. I've always kind of known that it's never worth forcing myself to do something when it's been my experience that when I'm ready to do it, I just do it. I think maybe my body chose this time of year, this holiday season, to get me back into health is because it's ready. I am realizing that it's the people at the holiday parties I want to be around; not just the food. It used to be reversed. I'm now getting more into relationship with others as I break my dependency on food as company.
Wrap up of Physical Changes
-Skin on my face is for the most part clear. I have a few last small blemishes, but overall, I have pink in my cheeks and no longer need to where face make up. I haven't worn it since that day I felt it was coating my face.
-My peeling fingers. I thought I had it licked, but no - last night I was at a movie and absent-mindedly was picking at my fingers and sure enough, a huge layer peeled off from my middle finger. Maybe that's symbolic of whatever was growing in me giving me a final "Eff you!"
-My left foot. It, too, pretty much healed up and then this morning I noticed kind of another surge of the armies. Nothing major, but it's interesting to me.
- My tongue. Gross gross and more gross. It's still covered in white. I just can't imagine how long I will have to go before that thing clears up. Yuck is all I have to say. I am not dating anyone right now, and I can tell you, I have no desire to swap spit until that thing is clear.
- My weight. I am officialy down 20 pounds. 22 pounds to be exact. As I've said, once I start eating food again, we'll see how that fluctuates.
Overall, I feel super good. My plans now are to eat for two weeks, and then see how I feel about a 21-28 day fast. I just know I've got a lot of gunk still in me, and want to keep clearing it out. I admit, I don't mind the weight loss, but please don't think I am naive enough to think that this will be something that won't change after my eating changes. I just want to see what happens.
Today I am hosting a little gingerbread party. I break the fast today, and bought almost all raw foods for the spread; guacamole, salsa, a black bean salsa. Some of the items are not raw - I got corn tortilla chips and Fritos. I made those selections on them not containing yeast. The witch doctor I went to who diagnosed me with candida said you can eat whatever you like as long as it does not contain yeast. So while I'm not completely raw today, I will be yeast free.
I should be drinking juices. I am going to run a couple errands this morning, and am going to stop at Jamba Juice to get some wheatgrass, but I am afraid that's probably all the juice I will drink today.
Tonight, we are going out for pizza. Yeast, yes, I know, and all the things I've been craving. I am hoping I can do the trick Barbara Walters was talking about one day; how women who don't want to eat will simply cut their food into very small bites, kind of push the food around on their plates, mess it up like they've done something, and have put maybe two bites in their mouths. That's the game plan for tonight. I don't plan on never eating pizza again - I'm just in a spot where I can see (my tongue) how not good it is for me right now. Once I get that base of health, an occasional piece won't hurt me. I quit smoking that way, I quit drinking that way - I never said I was quitting, I just stopped craving them. But I always gave myself the option to have some. Some people work the other way, this is how I work.
well, gotta get my stuff ready for the party. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Through Day Ten of Fasting; Next Steps Coming into View
OK - I made it! Ten days on just water. My body feels clean and light inside. I know that I am doing good for myself; my mood is stable, my mental clarity is fantastic, my physical energy is amazing. While I'm definitely not attempting to bench press 200 pounds, I am walking and lifting the things I normally do with no ill side effects. I just make sure I take a swig of water before and after, and I'm good.
This morning I woke up and it was very clear what my next steps should be: continue the fast through Saturday morning, which will make it 14 days. I will go to juices after that point and build up solid food for a two-week period. We'll see what will take place after that. I would like to build up to doing a 21-28 day fast, as well as a 40 day fast. I'm not saying that's going to happen right this minute, or right after this experience for that matter. I'm just saying that those are things I'd like to experience.
As far as long-term health goals go, it also became clear to me this morning that I have three phases of weight loss to go through; The first, which is now almost over, is shedding the pounds that I intentionally gained as part of another experiment (more on that later). The second will be shedding the pounds in the range of weight that I have been fluctuating between for the last 15 years of my life - I have had a 30 pound swing that I have hovered in; lose it, gain it back, lose it, gain it back. I'll get more into that later as well. And then the third phase; down into the 130s and 120s. I've not seen 125 on my scale since 6th grade.
For any of you worrying about anorexia - this is not my goal or intention. For those of you thinking this is a form of anorexia hiding as a healthy fast - I could see your argument. All I know is that long-term, I see myself sitting down to a healthy meal with friends and feeling OK about whatever I eat in front of them. I currently feel shame and fear around food. I no longer want to live a life avoiding eating food in public and then scarfing it down in private. I am no longer willing to let food run my life. I simply desire good health. Food has run my life up until this point, and breaking free of it is opening up my time, my finances, and my efficiency. This fast has been a great experience. I thank you for listening.
This morning I woke up and it was very clear what my next steps should be: continue the fast through Saturday morning, which will make it 14 days. I will go to juices after that point and build up solid food for a two-week period. We'll see what will take place after that. I would like to build up to doing a 21-28 day fast, as well as a 40 day fast. I'm not saying that's going to happen right this minute, or right after this experience for that matter. I'm just saying that those are things I'd like to experience.
As far as long-term health goals go, it also became clear to me this morning that I have three phases of weight loss to go through; The first, which is now almost over, is shedding the pounds that I intentionally gained as part of another experiment (more on that later). The second will be shedding the pounds in the range of weight that I have been fluctuating between for the last 15 years of my life - I have had a 30 pound swing that I have hovered in; lose it, gain it back, lose it, gain it back. I'll get more into that later as well. And then the third phase; down into the 130s and 120s. I've not seen 125 on my scale since 6th grade.
For any of you worrying about anorexia - this is not my goal or intention. For those of you thinking this is a form of anorexia hiding as a healthy fast - I could see your argument. All I know is that long-term, I see myself sitting down to a healthy meal with friends and feeling OK about whatever I eat in front of them. I currently feel shame and fear around food. I no longer want to live a life avoiding eating food in public and then scarfing it down in private. I am no longer willing to let food run my life. I simply desire good health. Food has run my life up until this point, and breaking free of it is opening up my time, my finances, and my efficiency. This fast has been a great experience. I thank you for listening.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Should I Even Ever Eat Again?
Everything's rolling just fine on this fast. I'm feeling an overall "clean" feeling inside, my skin looks good, my energy is great, my mental clarity is all there. It makes me wonder how I can put food back into me ever again?
Don't get me wrong, I know I will eat. But over the last few years, as I've dabbled with raw food, with meatless food, with carbs and veggies and surgars and fruits, I'm just wondering how to navigate all that once the fast is over.
Last night I was with my friend Mick again, and I was telling him about that concern. And then I was like, "Fuck this fast. Let's just go get something to eat and be done with it."
Of course, this is not how I plan to break my fast. I mean it sincerely that I equate being with him with eating. Not that we're these two gigantic pigs of people; it's just what we did together.
I am at this point where I feel like all my relationships are changing, where I'm really looking at whether or not it is a reciprical friendship. I can complain if I wish, but I am seeing how non-reciprical I have been towards them. Is that because I'm a shitty person, or because I never felt truly connected with them? That's another blog, and not to be answered right now.
Otherwise, the fast is getting so easy for me, yesterday I didn't drink all my water requirements. I only drank about 65 per cent of what I should be drinking. This morning I woke up with a tight hamstring and my mouth like paper. Drank some water, and *poof* alleviated.
Here's my physical changes:
- I am down 15 pounds. Easy-peasy.
- My face is totally clear and bright except for a few small blemishes that refuse to leave. I wonder if my body is so busy clearing out the shit from the inside that it's like, yeah, yeah, those can wait...
- No bowel movements in two days.
- Bottom of my left foot; still not completely cleared up. It's almost like another camp tried to set up and do a resurge attack, but it's just not strong enough.
- Here's something I haven't mentioned before. My teeth feel stronger. The edges of my molars feel sharper, and my teeth look whiter. They used to feel ... mushy ... sometimes. Sometimes it would even feel like one would want to fall out. My gums look pinker and healthier.
- My tongue is still coated white. I wonder how long it will take me to get a pink tongue.
- My fingers - I can still peel a little bit of skin, but not like I used to. They are immensely better than before. I wonder on that, too, how long it would take for them to get clear. It isn't looking like a 10 - 14 day fast will cut it.
- Still uber efficient at work. I'm even able to chit chat with co-workers AND get my work done. I used to not be able to do this. It was all or nothing before - all chatting or all working. Seems I'm learning to blend the two. I like to attribute this to my overall good mood.
- Got my period yesterday. OK, guys, cover your ears and eyes: where as before, it was a very thick, mucus-y flow, it now feels like water. Never had it feel like this before.
Ok, that's it for today. Today I work and then am going of to a support meeting. It's not a support meeting on fasting, but I wish it were. The problem with me and support groups - I like to think I am on the leading edge, the first one doing something. At first the group is great, and then I feel like I'm not doing anything new (who is, right?) and I get all bummed out and don't feel as motivated. That's something I'm working on, but anyway. Gotta run for today. Thanks for listening. Talk with you tomorrow.
Don't get me wrong, I know I will eat. But over the last few years, as I've dabbled with raw food, with meatless food, with carbs and veggies and surgars and fruits, I'm just wondering how to navigate all that once the fast is over.
Last night I was with my friend Mick again, and I was telling him about that concern. And then I was like, "Fuck this fast. Let's just go get something to eat and be done with it."
Of course, this is not how I plan to break my fast. I mean it sincerely that I equate being with him with eating. Not that we're these two gigantic pigs of people; it's just what we did together.
I am at this point where I feel like all my relationships are changing, where I'm really looking at whether or not it is a reciprical friendship. I can complain if I wish, but I am seeing how non-reciprical I have been towards them. Is that because I'm a shitty person, or because I never felt truly connected with them? That's another blog, and not to be answered right now.
Otherwise, the fast is getting so easy for me, yesterday I didn't drink all my water requirements. I only drank about 65 per cent of what I should be drinking. This morning I woke up with a tight hamstring and my mouth like paper. Drank some water, and *poof* alleviated.
Here's my physical changes:
- I am down 15 pounds. Easy-peasy.
- My face is totally clear and bright except for a few small blemishes that refuse to leave. I wonder if my body is so busy clearing out the shit from the inside that it's like, yeah, yeah, those can wait...
- No bowel movements in two days.
- Bottom of my left foot; still not completely cleared up. It's almost like another camp tried to set up and do a resurge attack, but it's just not strong enough.
- Here's something I haven't mentioned before. My teeth feel stronger. The edges of my molars feel sharper, and my teeth look whiter. They used to feel ... mushy ... sometimes. Sometimes it would even feel like one would want to fall out. My gums look pinker and healthier.
- My tongue is still coated white. I wonder how long it will take me to get a pink tongue.
- My fingers - I can still peel a little bit of skin, but not like I used to. They are immensely better than before. I wonder on that, too, how long it would take for them to get clear. It isn't looking like a 10 - 14 day fast will cut it.
- Still uber efficient at work. I'm even able to chit chat with co-workers AND get my work done. I used to not be able to do this. It was all or nothing before - all chatting or all working. Seems I'm learning to blend the two. I like to attribute this to my overall good mood.
- Got my period yesterday. OK, guys, cover your ears and eyes: where as before, it was a very thick, mucus-y flow, it now feels like water. Never had it feel like this before.
Ok, that's it for today. Today I work and then am going of to a support meeting. It's not a support meeting on fasting, but I wish it were. The problem with me and support groups - I like to think I am on the leading edge, the first one doing something. At first the group is great, and then I feel like I'm not doing anything new (who is, right?) and I get all bummed out and don't feel as motivated. That's something I'm working on, but anyway. Gotta run for today. Thanks for listening. Talk with you tomorrow.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Fast Gets Easier
Just finishing day eight and embarking upon day nine of my fourteen day fast.
It's getting easier, that's all there is to it.
I spent yesterday driving back home from a party in Wisconsin. Hm, I didn't talk about that at all yesterday. A big birthday party for my Dad Saturday night; friends, family - all told, there was about 140 people there.
The party was nice. I avoided the food line and actually interacted with people. I made it all the way around the party, talking with everyone I knew. Normally at a party like that, I am at first anxious to get some food in me, like it's all I can think about is that plate of food. Then, when I get my food, I'm worried about how much I'm putting on my plate. If people knew how much I could really cram into my stomach ... oh boy. So I have to fill up as best I can to satisfy me, without looking like an over-indulgent pig. It always kills me when an overweight person is at a party, and they have like 3 olives and a carrot stick on their plate, and then say, Oh! I just couldn't eat any more. I always think, really? Looks like your eating more some other time then, cuz those 100 extra pounds your carrying had to have gotten there somewhere. I usually fill my plate, not heaping like the men will, but there is no white space on my plate.
Then, once I'm done eating, I want to go eat more. It just occured to me how much like and alcohol this behavior is. In fact, I used to think I wish I were just alcoholic. At least with alcoholism, you can eliminate going to bars, which I know doesn't eliminate your own internal cravings. But it is an easier item to eliminate from your world than say something like food is.
So I used to hide in food. This time, in order to avoid eating, I was up and out and socializing. Which is how I would rather be. I never realized until that night how much of a comforter and companion food truly is to me.
So that was good. I had some realizations about the dynamic of my family that night, too. I'll get into family frustrations another time. Let's just sum it up that there were a few things that happened that in the past I would have been seething over, and now they were rolling right over me. I don't know if that's good or bad.
As I mentioned in earlier posts, my mood is so even. I feel mellow and serene. I have had things happen that made me flare internally and did get me mad, but they passed quickly and I was soon back to serene. And that's my concern - am I just that even tempered now that I'm regulating my internal system? Or am I just that shut down emotionally that I am still showing nothing? We'll find that out as we go.
Physical Changes
-The scale this morning shows 14 pounds down. The weight is simply falling off. I am happy yet concerned about how much will slap back on once food is re-introduced.
-I am still broken out a little bit on my face. I wore foundation and powder yesterday, and I think it reacted with my skin because by the time I got home my face had that coated feeling on it. So, candida or Cover Girl? (No offense Cover Girl - you just fit into the alliteration)
- Tongue still coated in white moss-looking substance.
-Fingers are better still every day. I don't have any new skin to peel but they are still red from the skin that has been.
-Bottom of my left foot looked really good and almost looks like another batch brewed.
-I only drank half of the water I am supposed to be drinking. I am simply so sick of putting the same thing into me all the time, I just didn't feel raising that bottle to my lips yesterday.
- Energy is great. I could lift items easily yesterday. I did go have to have a drink of water soon thereafter, but as far as getting around goes, I feel like I'm well nourished.
- Mind is totally clear.
- I feel efficient all the time. Last night I came home and did some things around the house that I've been putting off. I just decided I had nothing else to do, so I did it. Normally, I would have filled that time ritualistic making myself a pizza or some other great-tasting but not-so-great-for-me food item and taking up a good one to two hours of my life in prep and consumption mode, and then passing out. So, I'm experiencing a big improvement in what's getting done.
- The cravings are lessening. I still had visions of pizza and spaghetti marinara yesterday, but not as intensely as the day before.
Now that I'm at this point, it makes me wonder how long I could go without food. I like the energy and efficiency that I'm experiencing. We'll see what I think at the 14 day mark.
Thanks for listening.
It's getting easier, that's all there is to it.
I spent yesterday driving back home from a party in Wisconsin. Hm, I didn't talk about that at all yesterday. A big birthday party for my Dad Saturday night; friends, family - all told, there was about 140 people there.
The party was nice. I avoided the food line and actually interacted with people. I made it all the way around the party, talking with everyone I knew. Normally at a party like that, I am at first anxious to get some food in me, like it's all I can think about is that plate of food. Then, when I get my food, I'm worried about how much I'm putting on my plate. If people knew how much I could really cram into my stomach ... oh boy. So I have to fill up as best I can to satisfy me, without looking like an over-indulgent pig. It always kills me when an overweight person is at a party, and they have like 3 olives and a carrot stick on their plate, and then say, Oh! I just couldn't eat any more. I always think, really? Looks like your eating more some other time then, cuz those 100 extra pounds your carrying had to have gotten there somewhere. I usually fill my plate, not heaping like the men will, but there is no white space on my plate.
Then, once I'm done eating, I want to go eat more. It just occured to me how much like and alcohol this behavior is. In fact, I used to think I wish I were just alcoholic. At least with alcoholism, you can eliminate going to bars, which I know doesn't eliminate your own internal cravings. But it is an easier item to eliminate from your world than say something like food is.
So I used to hide in food. This time, in order to avoid eating, I was up and out and socializing. Which is how I would rather be. I never realized until that night how much of a comforter and companion food truly is to me.
So that was good. I had some realizations about the dynamic of my family that night, too. I'll get into family frustrations another time. Let's just sum it up that there were a few things that happened that in the past I would have been seething over, and now they were rolling right over me. I don't know if that's good or bad.
As I mentioned in earlier posts, my mood is so even. I feel mellow and serene. I have had things happen that made me flare internally and did get me mad, but they passed quickly and I was soon back to serene. And that's my concern - am I just that even tempered now that I'm regulating my internal system? Or am I just that shut down emotionally that I am still showing nothing? We'll find that out as we go.
Physical Changes
-The scale this morning shows 14 pounds down. The weight is simply falling off. I am happy yet concerned about how much will slap back on once food is re-introduced.
-I am still broken out a little bit on my face. I wore foundation and powder yesterday, and I think it reacted with my skin because by the time I got home my face had that coated feeling on it. So, candida or Cover Girl? (No offense Cover Girl - you just fit into the alliteration)
- Tongue still coated in white moss-looking substance.
-Fingers are better still every day. I don't have any new skin to peel but they are still red from the skin that has been.
-Bottom of my left foot looked really good and almost looks like another batch brewed.
-I only drank half of the water I am supposed to be drinking. I am simply so sick of putting the same thing into me all the time, I just didn't feel raising that bottle to my lips yesterday.
- Energy is great. I could lift items easily yesterday. I did go have to have a drink of water soon thereafter, but as far as getting around goes, I feel like I'm well nourished.
- Mind is totally clear.
- I feel efficient all the time. Last night I came home and did some things around the house that I've been putting off. I just decided I had nothing else to do, so I did it. Normally, I would have filled that time ritualistic making myself a pizza or some other great-tasting but not-so-great-for-me food item and taking up a good one to two hours of my life in prep and consumption mode, and then passing out. So, I'm experiencing a big improvement in what's getting done.
- The cravings are lessening. I still had visions of pizza and spaghetti marinara yesterday, but not as intensely as the day before.
Now that I'm at this point, it makes me wonder how long I could go without food. I like the energy and efficiency that I'm experiencing. We'll see what I think at the 14 day mark.
Thanks for listening.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
End of week one, Start of Week Two
I feel confident that I will be able to complete this fast. My energy is good, my skin is noticibly better every day. I am seeing actual results, which is helping me stay motivated.
As I look to this week ahead, I am wondering how I am going to break it, because my cravings for the very foods that got me into this predicament are strong.
I mentioned in earlier posts how I've done a little game of pretending to eat the foods I'm craving. It's working in the respect that I don't feel like I'm denying myself the want - I'm denying the actual eating of the food, but not the desire to eat it. I've noticed a definite trend in the foods I'm craving: I keep craving anything that combines tomatoe sauce, cheese, and a crust or pasta.
I want spaghetti with marinara sauce, parmesan cheese, and a lot of salt. I want a Lou Malnati's Cheese and Tomatoe Pizza, deep dish, with a lot of salt. I'd like some ravioli with vodka sauce. I want tortilini in tomatoe sauce. All topped with a (not-so) healthy dousing of salt.
It's the texture of the spaghetti noodles melting in my mouth that I miss. The squish of the ravioli sweetly releasing the cheese inside. The little bit of resistance that tortilini gives before it lets you into its cheesy center. The gooey on the inside yet crispy on the outside crust of the pizza. All all of them accompanied by the sweet acid of the tomatoe sauce.
I used to love brownies, ice cream, cookies, chocolate candy bars of all kinds, too - but what I would kill someone right now for is a simple plate of spaghetti. This is the last food that I thought would be first on my list.
Overall, I'm overcoming these cravings because I know that after seven days, I can go back to solid food. I mean, I have to start with some vegetable soups before I can work back up to foods with yeasts or sugars. But I have not said that I can never eat these foods again.
The reality is that the clearing of my skin, my peelable fingers, the infection on my left foot, the infection in my nose - all of which have cleared up and are almost gone at this point - are forms of internal overgrowth of yeast, or Candida. From a medical stand point, this is not diagnosed as such. I am told I need to lose weight, but no mention of clearing myself of the things causting these problems. It has become clear that my love of sugary, yeasty, white-floured foods is not beneficial to my health. I am in full agreement with the concept that no food is that bad for you if eaten in moderation. However, what defines moderation?
Yesterday I realized this: If I am eating a diet primarily of fruits and vegetables, as any dietician will advise us is best for the function of our bodies and organs, then no, treating myself to the occasional pizza or pasta won't be problematic. BUT THIS IS BASED UPON THE PREMISE THAT I AM EATING A DIET THAT PRIMARILY CONSISTS OF HEALTHFUL FOODS.
I don't currently do that. What's more fun to eat - a salad, or some deep dish pizza? A juice drink, or a big plate of pasta?
I've touched on the experiment I've been doing with my body - seeing how I feel feeding myself everything from all health food to all junk food. The results are indesputable - my body has much more energy from eating an orange over a donut. Water is more effective in energizing me than coffee. I don't crash from oranges or water. I do with donuts and coffee.
And here's the rub - what do I love more - my health? Or pasta primavera?
I think this next week will be even more intersting. Will the cravings subside? Will I come out of this week no longer dreaming of eating and ready to commit to a lifestlye of raw pizza and spirulinied veggie pasta with sauce? We will find out.
Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamt that I was in a convenience shop. There were donuts, fresh, beautiful glazed donuts sparkling in the bakery case. There was a box of a dozen, tantalizingly waiting to be purchased. In the dream, I was buying something else, not food related - like it was a gas station and I was paying for gas, and saw the donuts out of the corner of my eye. I grabbed them, and ate half of one before going, Shit! I ruined the fast! And over some crappy convenience store donut? This is not what I wanted to break my fast with!
Again, I woke up relieved that my indescrestion was not part of my reality.
Check in with you tomorrow. Thanks for listening.
As I look to this week ahead, I am wondering how I am going to break it, because my cravings for the very foods that got me into this predicament are strong.
I mentioned in earlier posts how I've done a little game of pretending to eat the foods I'm craving. It's working in the respect that I don't feel like I'm denying myself the want - I'm denying the actual eating of the food, but not the desire to eat it. I've noticed a definite trend in the foods I'm craving: I keep craving anything that combines tomatoe sauce, cheese, and a crust or pasta.
I want spaghetti with marinara sauce, parmesan cheese, and a lot of salt. I want a Lou Malnati's Cheese and Tomatoe Pizza, deep dish, with a lot of salt. I'd like some ravioli with vodka sauce. I want tortilini in tomatoe sauce. All topped with a (not-so) healthy dousing of salt.
It's the texture of the spaghetti noodles melting in my mouth that I miss. The squish of the ravioli sweetly releasing the cheese inside. The little bit of resistance that tortilini gives before it lets you into its cheesy center. The gooey on the inside yet crispy on the outside crust of the pizza. All all of them accompanied by the sweet acid of the tomatoe sauce.
I used to love brownies, ice cream, cookies, chocolate candy bars of all kinds, too - but what I would kill someone right now for is a simple plate of spaghetti. This is the last food that I thought would be first on my list.
Overall, I'm overcoming these cravings because I know that after seven days, I can go back to solid food. I mean, I have to start with some vegetable soups before I can work back up to foods with yeasts or sugars. But I have not said that I can never eat these foods again.
The reality is that the clearing of my skin, my peelable fingers, the infection on my left foot, the infection in my nose - all of which have cleared up and are almost gone at this point - are forms of internal overgrowth of yeast, or Candida. From a medical stand point, this is not diagnosed as such. I am told I need to lose weight, but no mention of clearing myself of the things causting these problems. It has become clear that my love of sugary, yeasty, white-floured foods is not beneficial to my health. I am in full agreement with the concept that no food is that bad for you if eaten in moderation. However, what defines moderation?
Yesterday I realized this: If I am eating a diet primarily of fruits and vegetables, as any dietician will advise us is best for the function of our bodies and organs, then no, treating myself to the occasional pizza or pasta won't be problematic. BUT THIS IS BASED UPON THE PREMISE THAT I AM EATING A DIET THAT PRIMARILY CONSISTS OF HEALTHFUL FOODS.
I don't currently do that. What's more fun to eat - a salad, or some deep dish pizza? A juice drink, or a big plate of pasta?
I've touched on the experiment I've been doing with my body - seeing how I feel feeding myself everything from all health food to all junk food. The results are indesputable - my body has much more energy from eating an orange over a donut. Water is more effective in energizing me than coffee. I don't crash from oranges or water. I do with donuts and coffee.
And here's the rub - what do I love more - my health? Or pasta primavera?
I think this next week will be even more intersting. Will the cravings subside? Will I come out of this week no longer dreaming of eating and ready to commit to a lifestlye of raw pizza and spirulinied veggie pasta with sauce? We will find out.
Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamt that I was in a convenience shop. There were donuts, fresh, beautiful glazed donuts sparkling in the bakery case. There was a box of a dozen, tantalizingly waiting to be purchased. In the dream, I was buying something else, not food related - like it was a gas station and I was paying for gas, and saw the donuts out of the corner of my eye. I grabbed them, and ate half of one before going, Shit! I ruined the fast! And over some crappy convenience store donut? This is not what I wanted to break my fast with!
Again, I woke up relieved that my indescrestion was not part of my reality.
Check in with you tomorrow. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
One Whole Week on Water Alone!
Allright, I've got to keep this entry short - which is probably a blessing compared to my rambling earlier ones. But the fast is still going fine. Going for the ten-day mark and then fourteen days, and then I ... well, we'll figure out what to do as we get closer.
Recap of Last 24 Hours
Yesterday was a day off from work. I got up and blogged, got ready, ran some errands. Oh, I went to check out a support meeting - not for fasting, for some other things I'm working on in this life of mine. Tried to go shopping after that. Didn't buy anything again. Came home and cleaned a little - Hey! Finally put that laundry away! The dishes are still waiting, and I hope I can get those done before I leave this morning.
My friend Mick came over last night and helped me with a desk I was building and some other minor construction things around my place. He was there for about three hours. He left at ten p.m., I fell asleep by eleven.
The fast is getting easier in some respects, but as I was saying yesterday about it being boring ... it is boring compared to what I knew before. As in eating, and the choices that come with eating.
For example:
When I was driving to the meeting, it was about noon, and it was in the heart of a very restaurant-heavy area of the city. I drove past a pizza place I used to love and haven't had in years - Oh! It flashed in my head that just one piece would hurt! Luckily, I didn't have time to stop before the meeting; I wonder if I had been early, would I have broken? Then, the other restuarants. So many great choices!
I got thinking about how much I look forward to food most of the time. At work, I think about lunch: What should I have today? Pizza? Burrito? Sub? Salad? It's like this great mid-day personal treat and diversion. But, not for the next week.
I am also surprised again at how emotionally OK I am. Although, at the support meeting I went to - it was my first time there and I am just exploring whether or not I think this program is for me - other people were sharing their experiences. Their experiences weren't all that tear-jerking; I just felt so relieved that I was in a place that I felt could help me with that issue that I was in and out of tears the whole meeting. This is not all that unusual from my prior behavior, though.
Anyway, that night when Mick came over, I went to meet him at the El stop, and again, we were walking past all these restaurants. A lot of what Mick and I did together was going out to eat, I was experiencing this Pavlovian response. I told him this, that just being around him made me want to say, "Forget this stupid fast. We haven't tried this Indian place yet!" But, we didn't.
He said to me last night, "You know, isn't there some TuPac song about how if you imagine it in your mind your body thinks it happened?" I'm not down with TuPac - neither is he for that matter. But I know what he was saying - if I imagine eating the food, my mind will be satisfied. So, I did that last night for a minute, imagined eating one of the foods I'd been missing. It really does work. This morning I woke up, SO WANTING that eggplant parmesean that I was planning on having for my birthday meal tomorrow night. So, I laid in bed, and just imagined the whole eating ritual I have with that meal - cutting the eggplant, spearing it on my fork, twirling some spaghetti onto the fork, salting it, and letting it melt in my mouth. I ate the whole thing in my imagination. I gottta say, it sounds simple-minded and silly I know, but it worked. I feel satiated on my eggplant parmesean craving.
Physical Changes
-I've mentioned my ability to peel the skin off from around my fingers; not down to the quick, of course, just a layer or two down. That has stopped. They are still repairing themselves, but no knew fungus laden skin is forming.
-I had great energy yesterday. I couldn't even tell I haven't eaten food. I was alert and ready to go. Physical exercise is still done lightly, but as Mick and I were doing the construction, there was no light headednes, no need to take it easy per se. Except for:
- I was getting massive acid reflux yesterday. I never got acid reflux before. Mick and I tried to hypothosize on it - is it because I am eating less than my body is used to, but it's still generating the acid needed to process all the food I'd been eating before? I'll have to look that up.
- MY TONGUE - ick. That sums it up. But to give you a visual picture, it's been white coated for a while, even before I started this fast, due to the candida overgrowth in me. Yesterday I looked at it ... Let's see. If my tongue were to be used in a movie, it would be pulsating and bubbling with the white coating, popping up like when spaghetti sauce gets to hot and the bubble explodes. It's coated with a thick, white ... moss-looking substance. That's what it looks like, very fine grain but feathery white moss. It's gross. I can't wait until that clears out.
- No bowel movement yesterday.
What the next 24 Hours Holds
I am working and then driving the approximately three hours from Chicago to my hometown in Wisconsin for my Dad's 70th birthday party. I have to work today, then drive up, drive back, and work tomorrow. It's going to be exhausting, I think, but doable.
Final note: Last night I had a dream that I was at a wedding, and in the dream I had been doing this fast as well. There was food out and it wasn't the most gourmet or even good quality food, it was more fast food convenience store fare. I absent-mindedly picked up a muffin. I took the muffin partly because I was internally justifying eating something - I haven't eaten in a week! I deserve to eat SOMETHING! But I also took the muffin so people wouldnt' think I was starving myself, since it had been so long since anyone had seen me eat anything. I did my ritual with the muffin, taking the top off and eating that first. I got three bites in, and I was like, what have I done? I'm ingesting yeast and sugar - there very things that caused all that gross fungus in me in the first place! And I did that over a MUFFIN? Muffins are fine, but they are not on my top ten list of things I look forward to eating when I start eating again. Fuck. I'm so pissed I did this.
Then I woke up, happy that I really hadn't. I can get through one more week. See you tomorrow.
Recap of Last 24 Hours
Yesterday was a day off from work. I got up and blogged, got ready, ran some errands. Oh, I went to check out a support meeting - not for fasting, for some other things I'm working on in this life of mine. Tried to go shopping after that. Didn't buy anything again. Came home and cleaned a little - Hey! Finally put that laundry away! The dishes are still waiting, and I hope I can get those done before I leave this morning.
My friend Mick came over last night and helped me with a desk I was building and some other minor construction things around my place. He was there for about three hours. He left at ten p.m., I fell asleep by eleven.
The fast is getting easier in some respects, but as I was saying yesterday about it being boring ... it is boring compared to what I knew before. As in eating, and the choices that come with eating.
For example:
When I was driving to the meeting, it was about noon, and it was in the heart of a very restaurant-heavy area of the city. I drove past a pizza place I used to love and haven't had in years - Oh! It flashed in my head that just one piece would hurt! Luckily, I didn't have time to stop before the meeting; I wonder if I had been early, would I have broken? Then, the other restuarants. So many great choices!
I got thinking about how much I look forward to food most of the time. At work, I think about lunch: What should I have today? Pizza? Burrito? Sub? Salad? It's like this great mid-day personal treat and diversion. But, not for the next week.
I am also surprised again at how emotionally OK I am. Although, at the support meeting I went to - it was my first time there and I am just exploring whether or not I think this program is for me - other people were sharing their experiences. Their experiences weren't all that tear-jerking; I just felt so relieved that I was in a place that I felt could help me with that issue that I was in and out of tears the whole meeting. This is not all that unusual from my prior behavior, though.
Anyway, that night when Mick came over, I went to meet him at the El stop, and again, we were walking past all these restaurants. A lot of what Mick and I did together was going out to eat, I was experiencing this Pavlovian response. I told him this, that just being around him made me want to say, "Forget this stupid fast. We haven't tried this Indian place yet!" But, we didn't.
He said to me last night, "You know, isn't there some TuPac song about how if you imagine it in your mind your body thinks it happened?" I'm not down with TuPac - neither is he for that matter. But I know what he was saying - if I imagine eating the food, my mind will be satisfied. So, I did that last night for a minute, imagined eating one of the foods I'd been missing. It really does work. This morning I woke up, SO WANTING that eggplant parmesean that I was planning on having for my birthday meal tomorrow night. So, I laid in bed, and just imagined the whole eating ritual I have with that meal - cutting the eggplant, spearing it on my fork, twirling some spaghetti onto the fork, salting it, and letting it melt in my mouth. I ate the whole thing in my imagination. I gottta say, it sounds simple-minded and silly I know, but it worked. I feel satiated on my eggplant parmesean craving.
Physical Changes
-I've mentioned my ability to peel the skin off from around my fingers; not down to the quick, of course, just a layer or two down. That has stopped. They are still repairing themselves, but no knew fungus laden skin is forming.
-I had great energy yesterday. I couldn't even tell I haven't eaten food. I was alert and ready to go. Physical exercise is still done lightly, but as Mick and I were doing the construction, there was no light headednes, no need to take it easy per se. Except for:
- I was getting massive acid reflux yesterday. I never got acid reflux before. Mick and I tried to hypothosize on it - is it because I am eating less than my body is used to, but it's still generating the acid needed to process all the food I'd been eating before? I'll have to look that up.
- MY TONGUE - ick. That sums it up. But to give you a visual picture, it's been white coated for a while, even before I started this fast, due to the candida overgrowth in me. Yesterday I looked at it ... Let's see. If my tongue were to be used in a movie, it would be pulsating and bubbling with the white coating, popping up like when spaghetti sauce gets to hot and the bubble explodes. It's coated with a thick, white ... moss-looking substance. That's what it looks like, very fine grain but feathery white moss. It's gross. I can't wait until that clears out.
- No bowel movement yesterday.
What the next 24 Hours Holds
I am working and then driving the approximately three hours from Chicago to my hometown in Wisconsin for my Dad's 70th birthday party. I have to work today, then drive up, drive back, and work tomorrow. It's going to be exhausting, I think, but doable.
Final note: Last night I had a dream that I was at a wedding, and in the dream I had been doing this fast as well. There was food out and it wasn't the most gourmet or even good quality food, it was more fast food convenience store fare. I absent-mindedly picked up a muffin. I took the muffin partly because I was internally justifying eating something - I haven't eaten in a week! I deserve to eat SOMETHING! But I also took the muffin so people wouldnt' think I was starving myself, since it had been so long since anyone had seen me eat anything. I did my ritual with the muffin, taking the top off and eating that first. I got three bites in, and I was like, what have I done? I'm ingesting yeast and sugar - there very things that caused all that gross fungus in me in the first place! And I did that over a MUFFIN? Muffins are fine, but they are not on my top ten list of things I look forward to eating when I start eating again. Fuck. I'm so pissed I did this.
Then I woke up, happy that I really hadn't. I can get through one more week. See you tomorrow.
Friday, November 20, 2009
No Food Since Last Saturday and Going Strong
So, I have officially gotten through 5 complete days of ingesting nothing but water.
It's been relatively easy - don't get me wrong, I've had the desire to eat. But the desire to clean out my body has been stronger. And, I know I can eat again in the future. So I've been managing the short term desires with the long term goal with relative ease.
Recap of the Last 24 Hours
Yesterday morning I woke up really hungry and really wanted to eat. I am drinking my water one 20 oz bottle at a time. This is a mental game for me; it's easier for me to drink six little 20 oz bottles than it is to drink one big ol' gallon of water. I went to get one of my bottles, drank it down - I'm finding I'm really really dehydrated in the mornings, makes sense I haven't given any water to my body while I was sleeping but my body was still working. Anyway, I drank the water in a quick gulp. Hunger was gone. Just like that.
I always heard that whole thing about if you're hungry it's probably just thirst, but I never believed it. But it seems to be true. True or not, when you're used to eating food, eating something is way more fun than just drinking a glass of water.
I did some light stretching yesterday, but I didn't have any desire to exert myself any more than that. I didn't work yesterday, thankfully, because man I was S O O O O W E A K. I mean, like how little old ladies get all whispy voiced, "Can you get that for me. Wooh..." I was in slow motion.
What did I do? I got up, I puttered around the house. OH! Funny. I reorganized my medicine cabinet. I wanted to clean but didn't have much energy ... so. this was the most I could accomplish. It makes me even laugh. I have dishes to do and laundry to put away, but sorting the medicine cabinet ... that's done.
A co-worker had invited me to go shopping with her yesterday afternoon. I wasn't sure I was up for it when I accepted the invitation, and as the afternoon approached, it became pretty clear that shopping was the last thing I wanted to do that day. But, I thought, well, maybe it will be good for me to get out of the house. I called her at our agreed upon time of 2 pm. and asked if she still wanted to go. The gods were with me - she had forgotten she had another obligation that night, and it would be too tight to do both. I said that's fine. Danger averted!
But then I was left with just myself. I credit my having to work during these first days of this fast as being a blessing because I have had other things to occupy me instead of just going to get some food. However - now here I am. Alone. With two boxes of Golden Grahams and some chocolate chips and marshmallows that I was going to make S'mores treats with before I started this fast. My cupboards are chock full of food. Good God, I'm in a land mine field!
I drank more water. Water just instantly dissipates any feelings of hunger. It's really amazing. It's really boring, just water, but it is amazing.
I puttered around the apartment some more. Avoided doing dishes or putting my laundry away some more.
The friend I told about my fast, Mick, called at about this time. We talked for a while. I told him how the fast was going. He told me that he's gotta do the same, he's looking at gyms to join and getting back on his own health track, too. It was a good conversation. I told him how grateful I was that he's not like, "You're STARVING yourself! You'll become ANOREXIC! You're going to DIE!!!!!!!" He laughed and said, "Well, we've both got enough body fat that I know either one of us would be fine without food for a while without being in danger." He manages the dietary department of three hospitals. He's a moderately credible source.
At this point, you might be asking, "Aren't you going to check in with your doctor?" Excellent question. The answer: no. The reason: I think there's two fields of medicine out there, holistic and medicinal. I know those aren't the proper terms, but I think traditional medical doctors are just treating symptoms and aren't really getting people down into the root cause. Holistic medicine is about getting down to the root. Holistic pulls the root - it might take more time and more digging, but my experience has been that they get to the root and pull the sickness from there. And once the root is pulled - it's gone. Medicinal medicine gives you medicine to treat the symptoms, aleviate the pain, but it does not correct the cause. So to me, going to my doctor for guidance on this fast is like going to an accountant when I'm trying to figure out what to do next on a painting. I think there is a place for both, and I think there are people who feel they get more help medicinally and those who feel they get more help holistically. I am in the holistic camp. Just my preference, not saying it has to be yours.
On that note, I'll get into the continual physical changes shortly. But let me just wrap up the day. After my friend and I decided we were not going shopping, I decided I needed to get out of the house for a bit. So what did I do? Go shopping. I got home around 6. At about this time, my friend called and said she was done with her other obligation, did I want to go chat for a while at a coffe shop or something? I said sure. So, we did that. It was really nice.
A note about that: We get to the coffee shop. I get two bottles of water. She gets a salad. Quick side note on being around people eating: She does not know I am water fasting. She offers me some of her salad. I say, Oh, thank you, but I'm OK. And just like that, the conversation was over. People just don't care that much whether I eat or not. Which to me is refreshing. I think when I was growing up, I was told to eat and had to eat at that time whether I was hungry or not, or told to try this! and they would be offended if I didn't want to. So I just learned to eat to appease others. As an adult, friends want to go out to eat, and if they wanted fried food and I wanted a salad, I was mocked for being healthy. So, to appease them, I would eat the fried food. Let me be clear here: I am not blaming others for these things. I'm just realizing that people like hanging out with me because I am open to doing what they like to do. Let's suffice it to say that I am learning that I am the only one who will do for me what I need done for me. We're all in it for ourselves. I am just learning to honor what I need for my own self.
The coffee shop closed at 9. Came home, feeling pretty good on energy now. Cleaned out my fridge. It's totally empty right now except for some condiments on the door. Considered doing dishes and putting laundry away. Put in a movie instead. Fell asleep for the day.
Oh! One last thought. Before my friend called for going to the coffee shop, I sat for a while and just wanted to be still. I have read in those books to tune in to your body, it will tell you what it needs and wants. Sounds a little kooky, but hey, I'm up for anything. I calm my mind and tune in to my body, and ask how each organ and body part is feeling. This was pretty funny; I had the image of this very Queeny Gay Foreman talking to me and saying, "OK. Here's the deal. You needed this cleanse immensely! Your organs are sooooo glad you finally did this." I won't get to into the detal of this, but each organ had it's own voice and personality, and each reported on how they were doing and how long they wanted me to continue the fast. Think what you will - overactive imagination, hallucination from lack of food ... I'll buy either of those. It was an interesting experience. All I can legitimately confirm is that physically, I feel immensely better than I did before starting this fast.
Physical Changes
-Yesterday when I was showering, I am washing my hair, and I suddenly became very aware of my skull. I have never really been aware of my skull; as in, the bones that comprise my skull. I thought, was there fat there before that was keeping me from feeling this? It was a strange experience - I became more aware of all my bones. They've been buried for a long time.
- Still have blemishes on the face that are still taking their time healing. My cheeks look more flush and rosy, and my skin would be looking really good if it weren't for these few last spots. Still have blackheads on my nose. That's more from outside dirt than inside cleansing, though.
- Yesterday I touched on having pussy postules on my nose as part of my nostril yeast camps. I have a scab on my nose residual from one of those that is; again, slow to heal. The yeast inside my nose seems to be almost gone. The front corners are still tender. There is a wound inside my right nostrtil, not sure what this has to do with the yeast, but it's still working on healing. My left nostril seems pretty clear. My right nostril is the one with the wound, and still has some yeast hangers on. But it's getting clearer.
- I am officially down 10 pounds. I truly did not expect this rapid weight loss. I've fasted before, and didn't lose anything. I take this as a sign that my body is throwing the excess out!
- And speaking of throwing things out - I POOPED yesterday! Isn't that great? Oh, lord. It wasn't much, and it wasn't the huge mucoid rope that is the holy grail of fasting shits. But hey, there's things being done in there at least.
-Yesterday afternoon, after my shower/bone experience, I was getting dressed and sat down for a minute. I suddenly felt that my chest felt very open and light; like a physical manifisation of having gotten something off my chest. I'm not sure what it was that got off my chest - could be just excess fat, could be that that tricky heart chakra of mine finally opened up. Whatever caused it, my chest felt free and light.
-I haven't talked about emotions yet. Every fast book or article I've read said that as your body eliminates toxins and fats, emotions come out too. I haven't had any emotional outbursts in the way they make it sound I would. I've been expecting these dramatic, jagged crying weeping sessions. Or lashing out at people, in a moment of feeling starved for food and/or love. I've had neither. In fact, I've felt on a very even keel emotionally. Much more stable than before. I've had a few feelings of anger, but nothing any more than I would occassionally feel before. I've had a couple moments of sadness, but I expressed them right away, so they were taken care of. I don't know.
- Yesterday, I felt mentally foggy. I think I was just so damned tired.
- My legs have lost their cellulite. They are still carrying extra pounds; but they are smooth and young looking. The bumps and lumps I had five days ago are gone. I noticed they looked better about two days ago. Yesterday I looked at them and thought, those are the legs of a much younger woman than I. There's some weight to get rid of on them, but: Hallelujah!
-I looked at my body as a whole. I am seeing my waist again. I can see each day where the fat came off. It's interesting to see that the body has a process; when I gained the weight, I could see where it was deposited. Those same deposits are coming off in the same order.
-The bottom of my left foot. The big I'm-pretty-certain-it-was-another-candida-camp-on-the -pad-of -my -left -foot is pretty much healed up. There is a little bit left on the pinky toe, but overall, healing is that foots general direction.
That's all I have to report on physical changes. What I'm finding the most interesting on the changes is that the books say, yes, you should fast anywhere from one day a week to a few days every month to on and on and on with theories and postulations. They say you should do this to give your body a break from constantly having to process and digest your food.
I always dismissed those concepts. After all, what they hell else would my body do if it wasn't digesting food? Sorry, but isn't that what it's supposed to be doing? I eat. It digests what I eat. I poop and pee out the leftovers. We do it again. I'm finding out that filling my body food it doesn't need is like a manager giving her employees a ton of busy work. It might look like like everything is operating just fine, but it doesn't allow the employees any time to act on the things that could change and benefit the company as a whole.
The Next 24 Hours
So, I'm just gonna say it. Water fasting is pretty boring. I mean, I get a hunger pang, I drink water, it's gone. I tell people no thank you to the food they offer me, they say ok. Whoopdeedoo. While the physical changes I'm experiencing are interesting - it's not like it's EXCITING. You know. EXCITING is getting a group of friends together to try out a new restaurant. EXCITING is seeing a plate of beautiful, delicious food float out from the restaurant kitchen onto your table. EXCITING is what those delicious flavors jumping around on your tongue; the textures creating a dance that is so fulfilling. That's EXCITING. EXCITING is not filling up six 20-oz. water bottles a day and setting it as your goal to drink them. EXCITING is not telling people how your gross yeast overgrowths, which you're not proud of anyway, are clearing up. EXCITING is not going out to eat with other people and watching them, in apparently good health, eat food that you know you cannot currently ingest.
So, I sit here and think - ok, do I continue this completely boring and un-exciting fast? Jesus Christ, how long will it be before I can even have a bowl of soup again? The deal is this - like I said, I think I need to keep going until I know the yeast has cleared out of me. On a water fast, since I'm not feeding it anything, I like to think that that won't take too long. So far, on the outside of me, anyway, it seems to be clearing out somewhat quickly. It just doesn't make sense to me to quit before I've killed as much of it as I can.
The fast will continue. Ugh. Seriously, it's not that it's that hard. It's just that it's so repetitive. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Oh! I know! Drink Water. Yippee. There's just no any variety on a water fast, you know? I did buy some Spring Water and some Purified Water, so that's my shaking it up. Want to get some distilled as well. But, for the most part, I am boringly going to continue on until I feel I have gone as long as I need to. Hope it's not boring you too much. Talk with you tomorrow.
It's been relatively easy - don't get me wrong, I've had the desire to eat. But the desire to clean out my body has been stronger. And, I know I can eat again in the future. So I've been managing the short term desires with the long term goal with relative ease.
Recap of the Last 24 Hours
Yesterday morning I woke up really hungry and really wanted to eat. I am drinking my water one 20 oz bottle at a time. This is a mental game for me; it's easier for me to drink six little 20 oz bottles than it is to drink one big ol' gallon of water. I went to get one of my bottles, drank it down - I'm finding I'm really really dehydrated in the mornings, makes sense I haven't given any water to my body while I was sleeping but my body was still working. Anyway, I drank the water in a quick gulp. Hunger was gone. Just like that.
I always heard that whole thing about if you're hungry it's probably just thirst, but I never believed it. But it seems to be true. True or not, when you're used to eating food, eating something is way more fun than just drinking a glass of water.
I did some light stretching yesterday, but I didn't have any desire to exert myself any more than that. I didn't work yesterday, thankfully, because man I was S O O O O W E A K. I mean, like how little old ladies get all whispy voiced, "Can you get that for me. Wooh..." I was in slow motion.
What did I do? I got up, I puttered around the house. OH! Funny. I reorganized my medicine cabinet. I wanted to clean but didn't have much energy ... so. this was the most I could accomplish. It makes me even laugh. I have dishes to do and laundry to put away, but sorting the medicine cabinet ... that's done.
A co-worker had invited me to go shopping with her yesterday afternoon. I wasn't sure I was up for it when I accepted the invitation, and as the afternoon approached, it became pretty clear that shopping was the last thing I wanted to do that day. But, I thought, well, maybe it will be good for me to get out of the house. I called her at our agreed upon time of 2 pm. and asked if she still wanted to go. The gods were with me - she had forgotten she had another obligation that night, and it would be too tight to do both. I said that's fine. Danger averted!
But then I was left with just myself. I credit my having to work during these first days of this fast as being a blessing because I have had other things to occupy me instead of just going to get some food. However - now here I am. Alone. With two boxes of Golden Grahams and some chocolate chips and marshmallows that I was going to make S'mores treats with before I started this fast. My cupboards are chock full of food. Good God, I'm in a land mine field!
I drank more water. Water just instantly dissipates any feelings of hunger. It's really amazing. It's really boring, just water, but it is amazing.
I puttered around the apartment some more. Avoided doing dishes or putting my laundry away some more.
The friend I told about my fast, Mick, called at about this time. We talked for a while. I told him how the fast was going. He told me that he's gotta do the same, he's looking at gyms to join and getting back on his own health track, too. It was a good conversation. I told him how grateful I was that he's not like, "You're STARVING yourself! You'll become ANOREXIC! You're going to DIE!!!!!!!" He laughed and said, "Well, we've both got enough body fat that I know either one of us would be fine without food for a while without being in danger." He manages the dietary department of three hospitals. He's a moderately credible source.
At this point, you might be asking, "Aren't you going to check in with your doctor?" Excellent question. The answer: no. The reason: I think there's two fields of medicine out there, holistic and medicinal. I know those aren't the proper terms, but I think traditional medical doctors are just treating symptoms and aren't really getting people down into the root cause. Holistic medicine is about getting down to the root. Holistic pulls the root - it might take more time and more digging, but my experience has been that they get to the root and pull the sickness from there. And once the root is pulled - it's gone. Medicinal medicine gives you medicine to treat the symptoms, aleviate the pain, but it does not correct the cause. So to me, going to my doctor for guidance on this fast is like going to an accountant when I'm trying to figure out what to do next on a painting. I think there is a place for both, and I think there are people who feel they get more help medicinally and those who feel they get more help holistically. I am in the holistic camp. Just my preference, not saying it has to be yours.
On that note, I'll get into the continual physical changes shortly. But let me just wrap up the day. After my friend and I decided we were not going shopping, I decided I needed to get out of the house for a bit. So what did I do? Go shopping. I got home around 6. At about this time, my friend called and said she was done with her other obligation, did I want to go chat for a while at a coffe shop or something? I said sure. So, we did that. It was really nice.
A note about that: We get to the coffee shop. I get two bottles of water. She gets a salad. Quick side note on being around people eating: She does not know I am water fasting. She offers me some of her salad. I say, Oh, thank you, but I'm OK. And just like that, the conversation was over. People just don't care that much whether I eat or not. Which to me is refreshing. I think when I was growing up, I was told to eat and had to eat at that time whether I was hungry or not, or told to try this! and they would be offended if I didn't want to. So I just learned to eat to appease others. As an adult, friends want to go out to eat, and if they wanted fried food and I wanted a salad, I was mocked for being healthy. So, to appease them, I would eat the fried food. Let me be clear here: I am not blaming others for these things. I'm just realizing that people like hanging out with me because I am open to doing what they like to do. Let's suffice it to say that I am learning that I am the only one who will do for me what I need done for me. We're all in it for ourselves. I am just learning to honor what I need for my own self.
The coffee shop closed at 9. Came home, feeling pretty good on energy now. Cleaned out my fridge. It's totally empty right now except for some condiments on the door. Considered doing dishes and putting laundry away. Put in a movie instead. Fell asleep for the day.
Oh! One last thought. Before my friend called for going to the coffee shop, I sat for a while and just wanted to be still. I have read in those books to tune in to your body, it will tell you what it needs and wants. Sounds a little kooky, but hey, I'm up for anything. I calm my mind and tune in to my body, and ask how each organ and body part is feeling. This was pretty funny; I had the image of this very Queeny Gay Foreman talking to me and saying, "OK. Here's the deal. You needed this cleanse immensely! Your organs are sooooo glad you finally did this." I won't get to into the detal of this, but each organ had it's own voice and personality, and each reported on how they were doing and how long they wanted me to continue the fast. Think what you will - overactive imagination, hallucination from lack of food ... I'll buy either of those. It was an interesting experience. All I can legitimately confirm is that physically, I feel immensely better than I did before starting this fast.
Physical Changes
-Yesterday when I was showering, I am washing my hair, and I suddenly became very aware of my skull. I have never really been aware of my skull; as in, the bones that comprise my skull. I thought, was there fat there before that was keeping me from feeling this? It was a strange experience - I became more aware of all my bones. They've been buried for a long time.
- Still have blemishes on the face that are still taking their time healing. My cheeks look more flush and rosy, and my skin would be looking really good if it weren't for these few last spots. Still have blackheads on my nose. That's more from outside dirt than inside cleansing, though.
- Yesterday I touched on having pussy postules on my nose as part of my nostril yeast camps. I have a scab on my nose residual from one of those that is; again, slow to heal. The yeast inside my nose seems to be almost gone. The front corners are still tender. There is a wound inside my right nostrtil, not sure what this has to do with the yeast, but it's still working on healing. My left nostril seems pretty clear. My right nostril is the one with the wound, and still has some yeast hangers on. But it's getting clearer.
- I am officially down 10 pounds. I truly did not expect this rapid weight loss. I've fasted before, and didn't lose anything. I take this as a sign that my body is throwing the excess out!
- And speaking of throwing things out - I POOPED yesterday! Isn't that great? Oh, lord. It wasn't much, and it wasn't the huge mucoid rope that is the holy grail of fasting shits. But hey, there's things being done in there at least.
-Yesterday afternoon, after my shower/bone experience, I was getting dressed and sat down for a minute. I suddenly felt that my chest felt very open and light; like a physical manifisation of having gotten something off my chest. I'm not sure what it was that got off my chest - could be just excess fat, could be that that tricky heart chakra of mine finally opened up. Whatever caused it, my chest felt free and light.
-I haven't talked about emotions yet. Every fast book or article I've read said that as your body eliminates toxins and fats, emotions come out too. I haven't had any emotional outbursts in the way they make it sound I would. I've been expecting these dramatic, jagged crying weeping sessions. Or lashing out at people, in a moment of feeling starved for food and/or love. I've had neither. In fact, I've felt on a very even keel emotionally. Much more stable than before. I've had a few feelings of anger, but nothing any more than I would occassionally feel before. I've had a couple moments of sadness, but I expressed them right away, so they were taken care of. I don't know.
- Yesterday, I felt mentally foggy. I think I was just so damned tired.
- My legs have lost their cellulite. They are still carrying extra pounds; but they are smooth and young looking. The bumps and lumps I had five days ago are gone. I noticed they looked better about two days ago. Yesterday I looked at them and thought, those are the legs of a much younger woman than I. There's some weight to get rid of on them, but: Hallelujah!
-I looked at my body as a whole. I am seeing my waist again. I can see each day where the fat came off. It's interesting to see that the body has a process; when I gained the weight, I could see where it was deposited. Those same deposits are coming off in the same order.
-The bottom of my left foot. The big I'm-pretty-certain-it-was-another-candida-camp-on-the -pad-of -my -left -foot is pretty much healed up. There is a little bit left on the pinky toe, but overall, healing is that foots general direction.
That's all I have to report on physical changes. What I'm finding the most interesting on the changes is that the books say, yes, you should fast anywhere from one day a week to a few days every month to on and on and on with theories and postulations. They say you should do this to give your body a break from constantly having to process and digest your food.
I always dismissed those concepts. After all, what they hell else would my body do if it wasn't digesting food? Sorry, but isn't that what it's supposed to be doing? I eat. It digests what I eat. I poop and pee out the leftovers. We do it again. I'm finding out that filling my body food it doesn't need is like a manager giving her employees a ton of busy work. It might look like like everything is operating just fine, but it doesn't allow the employees any time to act on the things that could change and benefit the company as a whole.
The Next 24 Hours
So, I'm just gonna say it. Water fasting is pretty boring. I mean, I get a hunger pang, I drink water, it's gone. I tell people no thank you to the food they offer me, they say ok. Whoopdeedoo. While the physical changes I'm experiencing are interesting - it's not like it's EXCITING. You know. EXCITING is getting a group of friends together to try out a new restaurant. EXCITING is seeing a plate of beautiful, delicious food float out from the restaurant kitchen onto your table. EXCITING is what those delicious flavors jumping around on your tongue; the textures creating a dance that is so fulfilling. That's EXCITING. EXCITING is not filling up six 20-oz. water bottles a day and setting it as your goal to drink them. EXCITING is not telling people how your gross yeast overgrowths, which you're not proud of anyway, are clearing up. EXCITING is not going out to eat with other people and watching them, in apparently good health, eat food that you know you cannot currently ingest.
So, I sit here and think - ok, do I continue this completely boring and un-exciting fast? Jesus Christ, how long will it be before I can even have a bowl of soup again? The deal is this - like I said, I think I need to keep going until I know the yeast has cleared out of me. On a water fast, since I'm not feeding it anything, I like to think that that won't take too long. So far, on the outside of me, anyway, it seems to be clearing out somewhat quickly. It just doesn't make sense to me to quit before I've killed as much of it as I can.
The fast will continue. Ugh. Seriously, it's not that it's that hard. It's just that it's so repetitive. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Oh! I know! Drink Water. Yippee. There's just no any variety on a water fast, you know? I did buy some Spring Water and some Purified Water, so that's my shaking it up. Want to get some distilled as well. But, for the most part, I am boringly going to continue on until I feel I have gone as long as I need to. Hope it's not boring you too much. Talk with you tomorrow.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tired But Energetic????
Made it through another 24 hours.
I'm taking this fast one 24-hour-period at a time. I would, however, like to make it to the 10-14 day mark. I'd even like to go longer, just to test my own limits. However, I feel like my body told me when it wanted to start fasting, and I also feel like it will tell me when its done. So, I will report as long as it honestly goes.
I feel like I slipped into this fast. By the second day of just drinking water I said to myself, hm, maybe I should just run with this. When I said that, the day Thursday popped into my head. So, after I got past the three day mark, I said, yeah, OK, maybe I need to make it till Thursday. I've got only the next 24 hours to go and I will have accomplished that mental goal. So, maybe I'll get through this next day and report back - Thanks everybody for listening, but this fast is OVER!
However, as I read about how others have accomplished 14 and 21 day fasts, and even longer, I think - well, let's see what we can do. I'm feeling really good so I'd like to keep it rolling as long as possible.
In fact, I'm feeling so good that yesterday I was beginning to worry how I would ever eat food again. Right now, at this point, the thought of eating food does nothing for me. Let me assure you, this is COMPLETELY opposite of how I felt before.
I went to the grocery store last night to get more water. The store entrance opens directly into the produce section. I've avoided being around food alone so far, but I've been without it for a while, too. Although I was afraid I would be tempted to eat, I really wasn't. I was, however, excited to see all these great things I could eat after my fast was complete. Natural soups. Apple slices, maybe dehydrated a touch and cinnamon put on them. Healthy apple or berry pies. Pesto sauce on spiroolinied yellow squash. Just a good old hunk of watermelon. There was so much to be had! (See that right there? That's the good mood caused by this way of living. Irritating, isn't it? I'll get into that a little bit further down) Point is, I felt reassured me that I would once again join the land of the eating after my fast is through.
In a related story, my birthday is Sunday. I have been stressing about this. I had been planning on going out to eat at this restaurant that serves what I consider to be the BEST Eggplant Parmesean on the planet. Crunchy crust, gooey middle ... it's super good. Again, I wasn't planning on starting this fast until after the holidays. But I would feel crappy if I stopped now just for one meal. I know Thanksgiving is coming up, but I think I can get through that just fine - more on that closer to Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll still be fasting at Christmas, but who knows.
So, my birthday - I had told one of my friends that I wanted to go to this restaurant. He said sounds good.
Last night, I talked with him and told him that while I want to go there, I started this water fast and I don't want to stop it just for that meal. I was expecting him to be like, "WHAT?! YOU'RE NOT INGESTING ANYTHING BUT WATER? WHAT? STOP! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
To my shock and surprise, he sounded relieved. "That's great," he said. "If you think it's working, I think you should run with your fast. We can go eat there after your fast is through."
After I did a mental brpbrpbrp, I was instantly relieved. I now have that to look forward to, and it made me feel valid and understood. Like, he trusts that I know what I'm doing. I haven't felt that from others.
I haven't shared that I am on a water fast with my other friends yet. Partly because I haven't seen them, but partly because I haven't felt sure they'd support it. But, maybe I should, and I'd be surprised with them, too.
I facebooked them last night and told them I was thinking Karaoke. I didn't say that I don't want to do dinner - it just occured to me that I need to qualify that. I mean, we can go out to dinner. I just don't want to eat. I don't know how to do that without them telling me I need to knock it off and not be silly, we need to EAT! It's your BIRTHDAY after all! We'll see how that goes.
What I do know is that I don't want to break the fast at least until my nail fungus situation clears up. It's getting visibly better each day. Also, I don't think I touched on this as part of my physical status yesterday, but I had little ... I'm not sure what they were, I had my doctor look at them and she just told me to use some prescription antifungal cream on them. She didn't say if it was a yeast infection or not, I asked her but she said she wasn't sure and left it at that. But that's the consistency of what was there. There were little yeast camps in the front corner of each nostril in my nose, which would get red and painful on occasion -
Wati. I need to clarify something else here - for the last three years, I have been experiementing with the effects food and exercise has on my mood. So, I started exercising. I felt better. I went raw. I felt better. Almost too good - more on that later. I quit raw. Went back on raw. Went all junk. My experience: What we eat greatly effects our mood. But to get back to this doctor's visit part of the tale, I had been on a junkfood experiement at that point in time. So my body was, adn most likely is, pretty full of gunk. It seemed obvious to me based on what I had been putting into me that it would be a yeast overgrowth. The doctor didn't seem interested in exploring it as much as I was. Here' s some anti-fungal cream. Next patient!
I tried to clear those little camps away with the anti-fungal medication she prescribed. They just came back. I hadn't stopped eating junk food. The infection in my nose held strong. It was almost like the yeast was the stronger of the two armies, and when the anti-fungal medication tried to attack, the yeast had a few of it's soldiers put up the appearance of being captured and caught, and then came right back as soon as the anti-fungal medication left.
Long story still long: The prescription medication couldn't cure it. This water fast is. My nose no longer hurts. I'm not breaking out with pussy postules of puss. It's getting cleaner in there.
The last 24 hours I have experienced an interesting juxtapostion in energy. Mentally, I was on it. I was taking calls, following up, and getting things done. When I would feel a little tweaked, I would go in the bathroom and close my eyes for ten minutes. I did this maybe twice. And then I was ready to go again.
Physically, I felt tired and weak. I'm not gonna lie. Yesterday I was glad to be able to be primarily in my chair all day long. I did have to do a little lifting, I was able to do it just fine without being all, Oh! I'm SO exhAUSTED! But I was glad that it wasn't much. The information I've read on fasting said that it's about this stage of the game that you need to slow down physically. It's apparently true.
Another effect of cleaning out the insides is being unabashadly happy. And I gotta tell you, I got to this point on two previous detoxes (not water fasts, nutritionally aided detox programs), and each time this unending happiness was what made me stop. Sounds crazy, but its hard to believe that just the food I'm putting into me affects my mental mood that much. But I'm telling you, it does. At least on me - I'm not about to say what it would do to you, but for me, I'M JUST PLAIN HAPPY. To the point of I'm almost afraid it's annoying.
Examples: Things at work that used to piss me off don't anymore. People came to me to bitch about something, and I was like, Oh, that's too bad, but I didn't bitch with them. I was giggly and playful yesterday in a way that I have not been except after I eat three candy bars or a large coffee. It took me comparing the mental high I get on with sugar and coffee with the mental high of being on all natural foods. They're very similar feelings. The sugar and coffee high ends in a crash. The natural food just keeps steady.
It has also taken those previous experiences of being in a good mood to realize how much bonding I think takes place over bitching. We bitch about The Job. The Boss. The Company. The Family. The Things Our Friends or Spouses Do That Piss Us Off. We bitch a lot. Maybe you don't - I didn't think I did, but man, seeing that part of relating to others fade away was really disturbing for me the first couple times I experienced it.
What I found yesterday is that I now know that we're all just trying to relate. So, while I didn't feel like bitching, I wasn't all Polyanna and "Turn that frown upside down, Mister Sad Pants!" I just let them bitch. We're all trying to connect the best way we know how to.
I've got a few more physical changes to report on, and then this post is done for the day:
- In yesterday's post I was worried that my intestines are no longer doing anything. I'm going on three days with no poo. Yesterday I got excited - I felt my intestines rumble a little, and that old familiar feelilng came back, and I said, Yes! I'm going to poop today! Went up to the bathroom, and as the old saying goes, Here I sit all broken hearted/Came to shit and only farted. But, at least there was some action going on down there.
-I talked about the nails and other yeast clearing out. Oh, since we're in potty talk, this is TMI I know, but my urine is now very watery. Before, I would often have a white mucus come out with the urine. Must have been yeast overgrowth, because I don't have that now. I've never had a yeast infection, per se. But I must have had yeast. It's strange, my urine doesn't have the same meat to it that it used to and I almost missed it. Gross, I know. But it's what I was used to my entire life. Even if what you know is bad or painful, it's what you know and there's safety in that.
- And just to finish off the gassy potty talk: I realized that they chest pains I was feeling the day before are burps trying to get out. I think I'm gulping down air with my water. Have to figure out how to drink differently.
-The weight: I'm an official ten pounds down. I don't feel excited about this as I thought I would. I have a lot of weight to lose, and while it's a great jump start, in some respects it's a drop in the bucket. I also know that eating solid food will cause some of that to come back. We'll see on that, too.
- The most working out I did yesterday was walking down the 20 flights of stairs from my apartment to the ground level. I did not want to do anything else yesterday at all.
- My tongue is coated white like they say it will be during a fast. I don't think I have bad breath. I haven't gotten any offers for gum, so I take that as I'm good.
- I feel juicy inside. Juicy and vibrant like a peach or a raspberry, just bursting with ... juice. It feels nice. Not all dried out and tired like before.
-My face is taking a while to clear up. A couple tiny tiny blemishes have formed, I take those to be the last clearing out of what's in me. The other blemishes I had are taking their time to heal, much to my chagrin. Overall, though, my skin feels and looks much clearer and brighter.
-Oh. I didn't mention this before. I have had a case of athletes foot on my left foot for months. That also would not clear up with the doctor prescribed anti-fungal. It is not gone, but I can tell it's healing itself.
I think my body is pretty busy actually, trying to clean up all the damage I have done to it over the years. I've got years of drinking, cigaretters, pot, pizza ... it all adds up. I know this one fast ain't gonna fix it. But my overall trajectory is health, so it's a step.
Final note: I agreed to go shopping today with a co-worker. I think I was afraid to stay home; that I'd eat something if left alone. I don't want to go. I just want to sleep. I will go, though, because I am also working on this thing I've heard of called honoring your committments. I think I should be fine. I'm bringing plenty of water, so it shouldn't be a problem.
Thanks for listening, all none of you out there listening! Talk with you tomorrow.
I'm taking this fast one 24-hour-period at a time. I would, however, like to make it to the 10-14 day mark. I'd even like to go longer, just to test my own limits. However, I feel like my body told me when it wanted to start fasting, and I also feel like it will tell me when its done. So, I will report as long as it honestly goes.
I feel like I slipped into this fast. By the second day of just drinking water I said to myself, hm, maybe I should just run with this. When I said that, the day Thursday popped into my head. So, after I got past the three day mark, I said, yeah, OK, maybe I need to make it till Thursday. I've got only the next 24 hours to go and I will have accomplished that mental goal. So, maybe I'll get through this next day and report back - Thanks everybody for listening, but this fast is OVER!
However, as I read about how others have accomplished 14 and 21 day fasts, and even longer, I think - well, let's see what we can do. I'm feeling really good so I'd like to keep it rolling as long as possible.
In fact, I'm feeling so good that yesterday I was beginning to worry how I would ever eat food again. Right now, at this point, the thought of eating food does nothing for me. Let me assure you, this is COMPLETELY opposite of how I felt before.
I went to the grocery store last night to get more water. The store entrance opens directly into the produce section. I've avoided being around food alone so far, but I've been without it for a while, too. Although I was afraid I would be tempted to eat, I really wasn't. I was, however, excited to see all these great things I could eat after my fast was complete. Natural soups. Apple slices, maybe dehydrated a touch and cinnamon put on them. Healthy apple or berry pies. Pesto sauce on spiroolinied yellow squash. Just a good old hunk of watermelon. There was so much to be had! (See that right there? That's the good mood caused by this way of living. Irritating, isn't it? I'll get into that a little bit further down) Point is, I felt reassured me that I would once again join the land of the eating after my fast is through.
In a related story, my birthday is Sunday. I have been stressing about this. I had been planning on going out to eat at this restaurant that serves what I consider to be the BEST Eggplant Parmesean on the planet. Crunchy crust, gooey middle ... it's super good. Again, I wasn't planning on starting this fast until after the holidays. But I would feel crappy if I stopped now just for one meal. I know Thanksgiving is coming up, but I think I can get through that just fine - more on that closer to Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll still be fasting at Christmas, but who knows.
So, my birthday - I had told one of my friends that I wanted to go to this restaurant. He said sounds good.
Last night, I talked with him and told him that while I want to go there, I started this water fast and I don't want to stop it just for that meal. I was expecting him to be like, "WHAT?! YOU'RE NOT INGESTING ANYTHING BUT WATER? WHAT? STOP! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
To my shock and surprise, he sounded relieved. "That's great," he said. "If you think it's working, I think you should run with your fast. We can go eat there after your fast is through."
After I did a mental brpbrpbrp, I was instantly relieved. I now have that to look forward to, and it made me feel valid and understood. Like, he trusts that I know what I'm doing. I haven't felt that from others.
I haven't shared that I am on a water fast with my other friends yet. Partly because I haven't seen them, but partly because I haven't felt sure they'd support it. But, maybe I should, and I'd be surprised with them, too.
I facebooked them last night and told them I was thinking Karaoke. I didn't say that I don't want to do dinner - it just occured to me that I need to qualify that. I mean, we can go out to dinner. I just don't want to eat. I don't know how to do that without them telling me I need to knock it off and not be silly, we need to EAT! It's your BIRTHDAY after all! We'll see how that goes.
What I do know is that I don't want to break the fast at least until my nail fungus situation clears up. It's getting visibly better each day. Also, I don't think I touched on this as part of my physical status yesterday, but I had little ... I'm not sure what they were, I had my doctor look at them and she just told me to use some prescription antifungal cream on them. She didn't say if it was a yeast infection or not, I asked her but she said she wasn't sure and left it at that. But that's the consistency of what was there. There were little yeast camps in the front corner of each nostril in my nose, which would get red and painful on occasion -
Wati. I need to clarify something else here - for the last three years, I have been experiementing with the effects food and exercise has on my mood. So, I started exercising. I felt better. I went raw. I felt better. Almost too good - more on that later. I quit raw. Went back on raw. Went all junk. My experience: What we eat greatly effects our mood. But to get back to this doctor's visit part of the tale, I had been on a junkfood experiement at that point in time. So my body was, adn most likely is, pretty full of gunk. It seemed obvious to me based on what I had been putting into me that it would be a yeast overgrowth. The doctor didn't seem interested in exploring it as much as I was. Here' s some anti-fungal cream. Next patient!
I tried to clear those little camps away with the anti-fungal medication she prescribed. They just came back. I hadn't stopped eating junk food. The infection in my nose held strong. It was almost like the yeast was the stronger of the two armies, and when the anti-fungal medication tried to attack, the yeast had a few of it's soldiers put up the appearance of being captured and caught, and then came right back as soon as the anti-fungal medication left.
Long story still long: The prescription medication couldn't cure it. This water fast is. My nose no longer hurts. I'm not breaking out with pussy postules of puss. It's getting cleaner in there.
The last 24 hours I have experienced an interesting juxtapostion in energy. Mentally, I was on it. I was taking calls, following up, and getting things done. When I would feel a little tweaked, I would go in the bathroom and close my eyes for ten minutes. I did this maybe twice. And then I was ready to go again.
Physically, I felt tired and weak. I'm not gonna lie. Yesterday I was glad to be able to be primarily in my chair all day long. I did have to do a little lifting, I was able to do it just fine without being all, Oh! I'm SO exhAUSTED! But I was glad that it wasn't much. The information I've read on fasting said that it's about this stage of the game that you need to slow down physically. It's apparently true.
Another effect of cleaning out the insides is being unabashadly happy. And I gotta tell you, I got to this point on two previous detoxes (not water fasts, nutritionally aided detox programs), and each time this unending happiness was what made me stop. Sounds crazy, but its hard to believe that just the food I'm putting into me affects my mental mood that much. But I'm telling you, it does. At least on me - I'm not about to say what it would do to you, but for me, I'M JUST PLAIN HAPPY. To the point of I'm almost afraid it's annoying.
Examples: Things at work that used to piss me off don't anymore. People came to me to bitch about something, and I was like, Oh, that's too bad, but I didn't bitch with them. I was giggly and playful yesterday in a way that I have not been except after I eat three candy bars or a large coffee. It took me comparing the mental high I get on with sugar and coffee with the mental high of being on all natural foods. They're very similar feelings. The sugar and coffee high ends in a crash. The natural food just keeps steady.
It has also taken those previous experiences of being in a good mood to realize how much bonding I think takes place over bitching. We bitch about The Job. The Boss. The Company. The Family. The Things Our Friends or Spouses Do That Piss Us Off. We bitch a lot. Maybe you don't - I didn't think I did, but man, seeing that part of relating to others fade away was really disturbing for me the first couple times I experienced it.
What I found yesterday is that I now know that we're all just trying to relate. So, while I didn't feel like bitching, I wasn't all Polyanna and "Turn that frown upside down, Mister Sad Pants!" I just let them bitch. We're all trying to connect the best way we know how to.
I've got a few more physical changes to report on, and then this post is done for the day:
- In yesterday's post I was worried that my intestines are no longer doing anything. I'm going on three days with no poo. Yesterday I got excited - I felt my intestines rumble a little, and that old familiar feelilng came back, and I said, Yes! I'm going to poop today! Went up to the bathroom, and as the old saying goes, Here I sit all broken hearted/Came to shit and only farted. But, at least there was some action going on down there.
-I talked about the nails and other yeast clearing out. Oh, since we're in potty talk, this is TMI I know, but my urine is now very watery. Before, I would often have a white mucus come out with the urine. Must have been yeast overgrowth, because I don't have that now. I've never had a yeast infection, per se. But I must have had yeast. It's strange, my urine doesn't have the same meat to it that it used to and I almost missed it. Gross, I know. But it's what I was used to my entire life. Even if what you know is bad or painful, it's what you know and there's safety in that.
- And just to finish off the gassy potty talk: I realized that they chest pains I was feeling the day before are burps trying to get out. I think I'm gulping down air with my water. Have to figure out how to drink differently.
-The weight: I'm an official ten pounds down. I don't feel excited about this as I thought I would. I have a lot of weight to lose, and while it's a great jump start, in some respects it's a drop in the bucket. I also know that eating solid food will cause some of that to come back. We'll see on that, too.
- The most working out I did yesterday was walking down the 20 flights of stairs from my apartment to the ground level. I did not want to do anything else yesterday at all.
- My tongue is coated white like they say it will be during a fast. I don't think I have bad breath. I haven't gotten any offers for gum, so I take that as I'm good.
- I feel juicy inside. Juicy and vibrant like a peach or a raspberry, just bursting with ... juice. It feels nice. Not all dried out and tired like before.
-My face is taking a while to clear up. A couple tiny tiny blemishes have formed, I take those to be the last clearing out of what's in me. The other blemishes I had are taking their time to heal, much to my chagrin. Overall, though, my skin feels and looks much clearer and brighter.
-Oh. I didn't mention this before. I have had a case of athletes foot on my left foot for months. That also would not clear up with the doctor prescribed anti-fungal. It is not gone, but I can tell it's healing itself.
I think my body is pretty busy actually, trying to clean up all the damage I have done to it over the years. I've got years of drinking, cigaretters, pot, pizza ... it all adds up. I know this one fast ain't gonna fix it. But my overall trajectory is health, so it's a step.
Final note: I agreed to go shopping today with a co-worker. I think I was afraid to stay home; that I'd eat something if left alone. I don't want to go. I just want to sleep. I will go, though, because I am also working on this thing I've heard of called honoring your committments. I think I should be fine. I'm bringing plenty of water, so it shouldn't be a problem.
Thanks for listening, all none of you out there listening! Talk with you tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Made Another Day But Depression Has Snuck In
As of today at 9 a.m, I will have successfully completed my (Sat-Sun, Sun-Mon, Mon-Tues, Tues-Wed) fourth day of fasting.
The potluck we had at work yesterday was successfully averted thanks to what I like to think is a little divine intervention. Just as everyone was putting the food out and I was playing my part by attempting to microwave the TGIFriday's Spinach Artichoke Dip that I had lovingly purchased the night before, a customer said they needed some help.
In truth, I was hoping it was going to be just a quick question, because part of me felt like I needed to face up to what the reactions would be to me being with them, but not engaging in the ritual of eating with them.
However, the customer needed an in-depth quote on some products, so I was with them for an hour. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the party my co-workers were having build and slowly end. I realized what an offering it was - almost everyone cooked something from scratch, and they were connecting with each other by trying everyone else's dishes. I saw how much we bond and connect through food. I wondered how I could bond and connect without it.
After I was done with the customer, I came over to find almost everyone scattered and back to work. A couple people had set dishes aside for me - they all know that I've been dabbling in eating unprocessed foods, they know that I don't like meat - so some salad and mac and cheese were held for me. I said thank you for thinking of me. I was thankful - they were concerned about me being a part of the party and wanted to make sure I felt included. Again, via food. But the thought it definitely there and I was grateful.
Someone asked me directly to try her cheesey onion dip. Keep in mind, I am not announcing to my co-workers that I am on a fast. For me, it will be accomplished more easily if I do not have back-seat drivers advising me on how I should be operating my vehicle.
I was cornered. There was a scrap of a bite left in her dish, and she had cornered it and was saving it for me. At the time, I thought it was nice of her. But something about it felt a little ... more about her? Not that that's a bad thing, but for some reason it was very important to her for me to validate the tastiness of her dip.
And this moment right here is the moment I face all the time: eating something, doing something, agreeing to something simply because somebody else will get something out of it. What do I get out of it? I used to think I got love and attention in return. But now that I'm a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I realized that they don't really care about me - they're in it for them. Not maliciously, I know this. We all want attention and to feel like we did something good.
But there comes a point where a line has to be drawn for me to take care of me. And I realized that it was those moments, repeated over and over, where I let the other person's needs take precedence over mine. And I decided to mark my needs as being more important than hers right then.
So I said, thanks for saving that for me, it looks really good, but, no. I'm not going to try any.
She gave me a strange look, but then said, OK.
And just like that, it was over.
Other highlights of the day:
-Before work I was downstairs doing laundry. My building has a workout room, and I felt very compelled to go work my legs. I was shocked at this physical desire. Since I had time to wait between loads, I followed it. I did some v e r y l i g h t leg extensions and leg curls on the weight machines. I did five minutes on the lowest setting of the stairmaster. I had thought I could do ten, but after five minutes I was sweating profusely and felt that was enough. I got on the treadmill then and walked five minutes, starting at 1 mile per hour and working down to .5. There was a neighbor of mine in the workout room as well; I'm not sure how old he is but at least 60. He was clipping along at a brisk walk next to me. It was an interesting juxtaposition.
-My job involves light lifting of merchandise. I felt good energy wise, and did all the facing that is normally expected of me. In fact, I did more than usual. I am testing out this no-food thing as much as I can.
- By the end of my shift, I felt ready for bed. I did find that if I keep moving but without the hurry and rush I do fine, but keeping hydrated it critical. I could tell instantly when I needed more water.
- No light-headedness. I did feel my heart hurt from about 8 p.m., until I got home and fell asleep that night. I got home at about 10 and went to sleep about an hour after that. I woke up this morning and it has some residual pain in it. To be honest, if feels like emotional heartbreak more than physical damage. I had an email from a family member that hurt me, and the heart pain started shortly after that. Who knows.
- I read some other info on fasting; what to expect and the like. It seems to say that a 10-14 day fast does the most good to repair damaged organs and tissues. I would like to make it that far. I think I can from a physical stand point. Emotionally, we'll find out.
Here's where I'm at physically:
-I have lost 8 pounds so far. This is great news. Truth is, I am doing this both for the weight loss benefits, and as a personal feat of strength to demonstrate to myself what I can and cannot handle. Other people have always told me what I can and cannot handle. I am breaking that cycle, and this fast is one of many things I am doing to realize my own possibilities.
-My eyes are clear and bright. My vision is no longer fuzzing in and out.
-My skin had been broken out before the fast. It is now clearing up. A couple deep, syst-like pimples have visited me, but they are healing now.
- My face no longer feels like there is an invisible coating on it. I was told by a couple raw-food dieticians and a modern-day witch doctor that I have candida. The dietician said she could tell by looking at the skin on my face. I told my doctor this and she dismissed it. What I can verify is that my face looks and feels clean and fresh.
- My fingers. I have always - my entire life - been able to peel the skin around my nails off. A few years ago a friend, witnessing me in mid-peel, said, 'You know that's a fungus, right?" I didn't. It never occured to me that I could have fingers that didn't peel. When I started dabbling in how foods feel in my body, and what their effects are, I did a week long detox with flaxseed shakes, and then ate an unprocessed, uncooked diet for two weeks after. In that short period of time, my fingers no longer had the ability to peel. It was such a habit of mine - one day I looked, and they were healthy fingers. Fingers that other people had and I wondered why I didn't. Now I knew why; it's cuz I was filling myself with food that created this fungus.
- I have a rash on my hands. This has happened off and on over the last couple years as I have been more deeply experimenting with my eating. I'm not sure what it's from. All I know is that my palms itch, and it isn't from masturbation, sadly. Maybe I should work on that, too.
- My neck. I have had an off-and-on yet neck pain for the last ... 8 years? I've gone to physical therapy for it. The time between needing sessions is getting closer and closer. The last month, the pain has been unbearable. The last time I talked with my doctor about it, she said I might need surgery, and I was beginning to believe her. I did't like this idea, and again, seeing the results I've had in other areas from eating more healthfully, I felt I should try seeing what effects my eating had on my neck pain first before going under the knife. By the second day of the fast, my neck pain was gone. I have full mobility again and it's pain free. Unbelievable.
- My physical body overall feels ... dead, in truth. I think this is because I haven't had a bowel movement since Sunday. I don't feel like there's any activity going on in my intestines, and this is unsettling to me, because I normally evacuate my bowels at least once if not twice a day. Not sure what's going on in there. I hope it's good.
- My energy is good. I do feel depressed today, but I think that's due to some realizations I've had about other areas of my life - like, I haven't been in relationship with my friends lately. I feel like I'm changing - I no longer find going out to eat and drinking nourishing to me or to our friendship. I don't want to be all high and mighty about it. I just know I feel better without that. I don't know how to be in relationship with them without this. My family - I'll probably get into that later.
From a physical stand point, I do not feel weak, tired, or like I need to stay home and lay in bed to accomplish this fast. In fact, if anything, going to work allows me to use some of the new-found energy I am feeling. I am very clear mentally. I would dare say I am getting more done than on what I was eating before - more on that later as well.
Overall, I think I should get through today fairly easily. Thanks for listening and giving me an outlet to express what I'm experiencing on this journey. Talk with you tomorrow.
The potluck we had at work yesterday was successfully averted thanks to what I like to think is a little divine intervention. Just as everyone was putting the food out and I was playing my part by attempting to microwave the TGIFriday's Spinach Artichoke Dip that I had lovingly purchased the night before, a customer said they needed some help.
In truth, I was hoping it was going to be just a quick question, because part of me felt like I needed to face up to what the reactions would be to me being with them, but not engaging in the ritual of eating with them.
However, the customer needed an in-depth quote on some products, so I was with them for an hour. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the party my co-workers were having build and slowly end. I realized what an offering it was - almost everyone cooked something from scratch, and they were connecting with each other by trying everyone else's dishes. I saw how much we bond and connect through food. I wondered how I could bond and connect without it.
After I was done with the customer, I came over to find almost everyone scattered and back to work. A couple people had set dishes aside for me - they all know that I've been dabbling in eating unprocessed foods, they know that I don't like meat - so some salad and mac and cheese were held for me. I said thank you for thinking of me. I was thankful - they were concerned about me being a part of the party and wanted to make sure I felt included. Again, via food. But the thought it definitely there and I was grateful.
Someone asked me directly to try her cheesey onion dip. Keep in mind, I am not announcing to my co-workers that I am on a fast. For me, it will be accomplished more easily if I do not have back-seat drivers advising me on how I should be operating my vehicle.
I was cornered. There was a scrap of a bite left in her dish, and she had cornered it and was saving it for me. At the time, I thought it was nice of her. But something about it felt a little ... more about her? Not that that's a bad thing, but for some reason it was very important to her for me to validate the tastiness of her dip.
And this moment right here is the moment I face all the time: eating something, doing something, agreeing to something simply because somebody else will get something out of it. What do I get out of it? I used to think I got love and attention in return. But now that I'm a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I realized that they don't really care about me - they're in it for them. Not maliciously, I know this. We all want attention and to feel like we did something good.
But there comes a point where a line has to be drawn for me to take care of me. And I realized that it was those moments, repeated over and over, where I let the other person's needs take precedence over mine. And I decided to mark my needs as being more important than hers right then.
So I said, thanks for saving that for me, it looks really good, but, no. I'm not going to try any.
She gave me a strange look, but then said, OK.
And just like that, it was over.
Other highlights of the day:
-Before work I was downstairs doing laundry. My building has a workout room, and I felt very compelled to go work my legs. I was shocked at this physical desire. Since I had time to wait between loads, I followed it. I did some v e r y l i g h t leg extensions and leg curls on the weight machines. I did five minutes on the lowest setting of the stairmaster. I had thought I could do ten, but after five minutes I was sweating profusely and felt that was enough. I got on the treadmill then and walked five minutes, starting at 1 mile per hour and working down to .5. There was a neighbor of mine in the workout room as well; I'm not sure how old he is but at least 60. He was clipping along at a brisk walk next to me. It was an interesting juxtaposition.
-My job involves light lifting of merchandise. I felt good energy wise, and did all the facing that is normally expected of me. In fact, I did more than usual. I am testing out this no-food thing as much as I can.
- By the end of my shift, I felt ready for bed. I did find that if I keep moving but without the hurry and rush I do fine, but keeping hydrated it critical. I could tell instantly when I needed more water.
- No light-headedness. I did feel my heart hurt from about 8 p.m., until I got home and fell asleep that night. I got home at about 10 and went to sleep about an hour after that. I woke up this morning and it has some residual pain in it. To be honest, if feels like emotional heartbreak more than physical damage. I had an email from a family member that hurt me, and the heart pain started shortly after that. Who knows.
- I read some other info on fasting; what to expect and the like. It seems to say that a 10-14 day fast does the most good to repair damaged organs and tissues. I would like to make it that far. I think I can from a physical stand point. Emotionally, we'll find out.
Here's where I'm at physically:
-I have lost 8 pounds so far. This is great news. Truth is, I am doing this both for the weight loss benefits, and as a personal feat of strength to demonstrate to myself what I can and cannot handle. Other people have always told me what I can and cannot handle. I am breaking that cycle, and this fast is one of many things I am doing to realize my own possibilities.
-My eyes are clear and bright. My vision is no longer fuzzing in and out.
-My skin had been broken out before the fast. It is now clearing up. A couple deep, syst-like pimples have visited me, but they are healing now.
- My face no longer feels like there is an invisible coating on it. I was told by a couple raw-food dieticians and a modern-day witch doctor that I have candida. The dietician said she could tell by looking at the skin on my face. I told my doctor this and she dismissed it. What I can verify is that my face looks and feels clean and fresh.
- My fingers. I have always - my entire life - been able to peel the skin around my nails off. A few years ago a friend, witnessing me in mid-peel, said, 'You know that's a fungus, right?" I didn't. It never occured to me that I could have fingers that didn't peel. When I started dabbling in how foods feel in my body, and what their effects are, I did a week long detox with flaxseed shakes, and then ate an unprocessed, uncooked diet for two weeks after. In that short period of time, my fingers no longer had the ability to peel. It was such a habit of mine - one day I looked, and they were healthy fingers. Fingers that other people had and I wondered why I didn't. Now I knew why; it's cuz I was filling myself with food that created this fungus.
- I have a rash on my hands. This has happened off and on over the last couple years as I have been more deeply experimenting with my eating. I'm not sure what it's from. All I know is that my palms itch, and it isn't from masturbation, sadly. Maybe I should work on that, too.
- My neck. I have had an off-and-on yet neck pain for the last ... 8 years? I've gone to physical therapy for it. The time between needing sessions is getting closer and closer. The last month, the pain has been unbearable. The last time I talked with my doctor about it, she said I might need surgery, and I was beginning to believe her. I did't like this idea, and again, seeing the results I've had in other areas from eating more healthfully, I felt I should try seeing what effects my eating had on my neck pain first before going under the knife. By the second day of the fast, my neck pain was gone. I have full mobility again and it's pain free. Unbelievable.
- My physical body overall feels ... dead, in truth. I think this is because I haven't had a bowel movement since Sunday. I don't feel like there's any activity going on in my intestines, and this is unsettling to me, because I normally evacuate my bowels at least once if not twice a day. Not sure what's going on in there. I hope it's good.
- My energy is good. I do feel depressed today, but I think that's due to some realizations I've had about other areas of my life - like, I haven't been in relationship with my friends lately. I feel like I'm changing - I no longer find going out to eat and drinking nourishing to me or to our friendship. I don't want to be all high and mighty about it. I just know I feel better without that. I don't know how to be in relationship with them without this. My family - I'll probably get into that later.
From a physical stand point, I do not feel weak, tired, or like I need to stay home and lay in bed to accomplish this fast. In fact, if anything, going to work allows me to use some of the new-found energy I am feeling. I am very clear mentally. I would dare say I am getting more done than on what I was eating before - more on that later as well.
Overall, I think I should get through today fairly easily. Thanks for listening and giving me an outlet to express what I'm experiencing on this journey. Talk with you tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Just Finished My First Three Day Fast
Hi. I just finished a three-day fast. While I've been thinking about doing a fast for a while, I didn't plan on starting it when it started. It just happened - I worked during it, I took care of my errands during it, and I didn't tell anyone I was doing it while I was doing it. And no one noticed any difference in my energy levels. If anything, I had more energy, which I will get into in the next entry.
I just wanted to report that I did it, I feel really proud, I like how i feel, it was easier than I thought it would be, and I would like to continue it.
Temptation awaits, however. We are having a potluck at work today. And I am nervous. I think I can be OK with not eating - it's other people's reactions that I am worried about. I am not telling anyone that I am on a fast. I'm simply not eating. I'm finding people dont' pay attention to my eating habits as much as I think they do. It hasn't been a problem so far, but we're all going to be together for this potluck, and if I don't eat, it will be obvious. So, we'll see if I can get through it without partaking. I am bringing food. But I hope I don't eat it. I'll let you know how it went.
I just wanted to report that I did it, I feel really proud, I like how i feel, it was easier than I thought it would be, and I would like to continue it.
Temptation awaits, however. We are having a potluck at work today. And I am nervous. I think I can be OK with not eating - it's other people's reactions that I am worried about. I am not telling anyone that I am on a fast. I'm simply not eating. I'm finding people dont' pay attention to my eating habits as much as I think they do. It hasn't been a problem so far, but we're all going to be together for this potluck, and if I don't eat, it will be obvious. So, we'll see if I can get through it without partaking. I am bringing food. But I hope I don't eat it. I'll let you know how it went.
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