Made Another Day But Depression Has Snuck In

As of today at 9 a.m, I will have successfully completed my (Sat-Sun, Sun-Mon, Mon-Tues, Tues-Wed) fourth day of fasting.

The potluck we had at work yesterday was successfully averted thanks to what I like to think is a little divine intervention. Just as everyone was putting the food out and I was playing my part by attempting to microwave the TGIFriday's Spinach Artichoke Dip that I had lovingly purchased the night before, a customer said they needed some help.

In truth, I was hoping it was going to be just a quick question, because part of me felt like I needed to face up to what the reactions would be to me being with them, but not engaging in the ritual of eating with them.

However, the customer needed an in-depth quote on some products, so I was with them for an hour. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the party my co-workers were having build and slowly end. I realized what an offering it was - almost everyone cooked something from scratch, and they were connecting with each other by trying everyone else's dishes. I saw how much we bond and connect through food. I wondered how I could bond and connect without it.

After I was done with the customer, I came over to find almost everyone scattered and back to work. A couple people had set dishes aside for me - they all know that I've been dabbling in eating unprocessed foods, they know that I don't like meat - so some salad and mac and cheese were held for me. I said thank you for thinking of me. I was thankful - they were concerned about me being a part of the party and wanted to make sure I felt included. Again, via food. But the thought it definitely there and I was grateful.

Someone asked me directly to try her cheesey onion dip. Keep in mind, I am not announcing to my co-workers that I am on a fast. For me, it will be accomplished more easily if I do not have back-seat drivers advising me on how I should be operating my vehicle.

I was cornered. There was a scrap of a bite left in her dish, and she had cornered it and was saving it for me. At the time, I thought it was nice of her. But something about it felt a little ... more about her? Not that that's a bad thing, but for some reason it was very important to her for me to validate the tastiness of her dip.

And this moment right here is the moment I face all the time: eating something, doing something, agreeing to something simply because somebody else will get something out of it. What do I get out of it? I used to think I got love and attention in return. But now that I'm a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I realized that they don't really care about me - they're in it for them. Not maliciously, I know this. We all want attention and to feel like we did something good.

But there comes a point where a line has to be drawn for me to take care of me. And I realized that it was those moments, repeated over and over, where I let the other person's needs take precedence over mine. And I decided to mark my needs as being more important than hers right then.

So I said, thanks for saving that for me, it looks really good, but, no. I'm not going to try any.

She gave me a strange look, but then said, OK.

And just like that, it was over.

Other highlights of the day:

-Before work I was downstairs doing laundry. My building has a workout room, and I felt very compelled to go work my legs. I was shocked at this physical desire. Since I had time to wait between loads, I followed it. I did some v e r y l i g h t leg extensions and leg curls on the weight machines. I did five minutes on the lowest setting of the stairmaster. I had thought I could do ten, but after five minutes I was sweating profusely and felt that was enough. I got on the treadmill then and walked five minutes, starting at 1 mile per hour and working down to .5. There was a neighbor of mine in the workout room as well; I'm not sure how old he is but at least 60. He was clipping along at a brisk walk next to me. It was an interesting juxtaposition.

-My job involves light lifting of merchandise. I felt good energy wise, and did all the facing that is normally expected of me. In fact, I did more than usual. I am testing out this no-food thing as much as I can.

- By the end of my shift, I felt ready for bed. I did find that if I keep moving but without the hurry and rush I do fine, but keeping hydrated it critical. I could tell instantly when I needed more water.

- No light-headedness. I did feel my heart hurt from about 8 p.m., until I got home and fell asleep that night. I got home at about 10 and went to sleep about an hour after that. I woke up this morning and it has some residual pain in it. To be honest, if feels like emotional heartbreak more than physical damage. I had an email from a family member that hurt me, and the heart pain started shortly after that. Who knows.

- I read some other info on fasting; what to expect and the like. It seems to say that a 10-14 day fast does the most good to repair damaged organs and tissues. I would like to make it that far. I think I can from a physical stand point. Emotionally, we'll find out.

Here's where I'm at physically:
-I have lost 8 pounds so far. This is great news. Truth is, I am doing this both for the weight loss benefits, and as a personal feat of strength to demonstrate to myself what I can and cannot handle. Other people have always told me what I can and cannot handle. I am breaking that cycle, and this fast is one of many things I am doing to realize my own possibilities.
-My eyes are clear and bright. My vision is no longer fuzzing in and out.
-My skin had been broken out before the fast. It is now clearing up. A couple deep, syst-like pimples have visited me, but they are healing now.
- My face no longer feels like there is an invisible coating on it. I was told by a couple raw-food dieticians and a modern-day witch doctor that I have candida. The dietician said she could tell by looking at the skin on my face. I told my doctor this and she dismissed it. What I can verify is that my face looks and feels clean and fresh.
- My fingers. I have always - my entire life - been able to peel the skin around my nails off. A few years ago a friend, witnessing me in mid-peel, said, 'You know that's a fungus, right?" I didn't. It never occured to me that I could have fingers that didn't peel. When I started dabbling in how foods feel in my body, and what their effects are, I did a week long detox with flaxseed shakes, and then ate an unprocessed, uncooked diet for two weeks after. In that short period of time, my fingers no longer had the ability to peel. It was such a habit of mine - one day I looked, and they were healthy fingers. Fingers that other people had and I wondered why I didn't. Now I knew why; it's cuz I was filling myself with food that created this fungus.
- I have a rash on my hands. This has happened off and on over the last couple years as I have been more deeply experimenting with my eating. I'm not sure what it's from. All I know is that my palms itch, and it isn't from masturbation, sadly. Maybe I should work on that, too.
- My neck. I have had an off-and-on yet neck pain for the last ... 8 years? I've gone to physical therapy for it. The time between needing sessions is getting closer and closer. The last month, the pain has been unbearable. The last time I talked with my doctor about it, she said I might need surgery, and I was beginning to believe her. I did't like this idea, and again, seeing the results I've had in other areas from eating more healthfully, I felt I should try seeing what effects my eating had on my neck pain first before going under the knife. By the second day of the fast, my neck pain was gone. I have full mobility again and it's pain free. Unbelievable.
- My physical body overall feels ... dead, in truth. I think this is because I haven't had a bowel movement since Sunday. I don't feel like there's any activity going on in my intestines, and this is unsettling to me, because I normally evacuate my bowels at least once if not twice a day. Not sure what's going on in there. I hope it's good.
- My energy is good. I do feel depressed today, but I think that's due to some realizations I've had about other areas of my life - like, I haven't been in relationship with my friends lately. I feel like I'm changing - I no longer find going out to eat and drinking nourishing to me or to our friendship. I don't want to be all high and mighty about it. I just know I feel better without that. I don't know how to be in relationship with them without this. My family - I'll probably get into that later.

From a physical stand point, I do not feel weak, tired, or like I need to stay home and lay in bed to accomplish this fast. In fact, if anything, going to work allows me to use some of the new-found energy I am feeling. I am very clear mentally. I would dare say I am getting more done than on what I was eating before - more on that later as well.

Overall, I think I should get through today fairly easily. Thanks for listening and giving me an outlet to express what I'm experiencing on this journey. Talk with you tomorrow.