I have not resumed fasting.
I have been eating every day.
I've also been shopping everyday.
Last night, as I was walking into my apartment building with shopping bags in tow, I had a slight feeling of dread that the doorman would make a comment. He commented once how I never walk into the building without some type of shopping bag in my hand - whether grocery, convenience store, or department store. I've always got my hands full.
Last night it occured to me that that concept translates into the other parts of my life.
I work as a kitchen designer during the day. We generally have our days "booked"; either I have an appointment for which I work my day around. Or, I have to work on preparing for a design meeting. Or wrapping up after one. I generally always have some specific task that needs to get done.
There are days, however, when I have no appointments and I do not have any prep work to do on my other appointments.
These days used to fill me with dread. The still make me uncomfortable.
Because they are open. And that leaves me to just accept what develops over the course of my work day.
I used to (no lie) call in sick on these days. Nothing planned - how could I possibly be of use? Now, I just exhale and say, "Ok. Let's see what develops."
This is just like the fasting. I have been extremely uncomfortable with the empty stomach concept for this fast.
I feel most safe when I am stuffing and filling - stuffing and filling my task list, stuffing and filling my calendar, stuffing and filling my stomach. Meditation unnerves me because I am to just open and allow? Allow ... what??? WHAT am I allowing. You're just allowing. Hm. Really. Well, you're just a fool.
This morning I got up and I attempted to meditate. Rather, I got up and allowed 30 minutes for whatever to come into my mind. I kept it as open and clear as possible. But for the most part, I kept it ... open.
Thoughts came. I had an idea for a piece of artwork I'd like to try. The details on how to make that happen became more clear. I meditated on whether or not I should accept the request to go to London with my sister this summer. I want to go so badly, but financially, this is not the best time for me. I considered my options there. I saw the cats goof off wrestling, which is always nothing if not funny.
And then it was over. No harm came to me. I was not given instructions to go blow up a building. I just calmly allowed my thoughts to rollover a couple ideas. It was rather pleasant and comfortable.
So. Can I translate that into the rest of the day? Can I allow myself to fast? I just don't want to I have such huge resistance I think it's because I said I was going to and now I'm destroying my own well-laid plans.
Well, we'll see how I do. I am not going to worry about food as much as I am going in to today with the allowance of "Open."
Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
I Can't Do It
Hi, non-existent blog audience. It's me.
I embarked on doing a 40 day fast. I can't. I won't. I don't know why I even said I would.
I am crabby. I am angry. I am crabby because I really think that the food - nothing really bad this time, I've had a couple vegetarain burritos from Chipotle. A couple brownies. Some marshmallow cereal treats.
OK, but those are sugar-heavy meals. And I'm telling you, I think sugar makes me a stark raving angry fucking cunt. Oh. My. God. I was in a TYRRANICAL mood yesterday. I wanted to kill everyone and everything around me. Maybe it's time for my period? Because holy shit, I am taking names and wanting to come back and destroy.
I can't stand the job today. Maybe that's why I am afraid of the fast - I get in a really good mood, and everything seems OK. Like a naive little girl who doesn't know that she should be angry.
Which way is right? Is the angry way the right, smarter way? Or is the happy way the right, smarter way?
I feel generally happy and of good will when I do not eat foods with refined sugar in them. I generally get punch-drunk on the refined sugar, really happy and hyper, and then I crash and get into a bad mood.
Oh, I officially don't believe in ADD anymore. I am a grown adult, more than capable of knowing my moods, and I realized the other day that I was hyper from the sugar in my system. I think before we throw these kids on Ritalin, we need to first rid their diet of the refined sugar. Cuz that, I am quite certain, is what's causing their moods.
So, I'm still in angry mode. I don't want to fast. I'm trying to do the "Just For This Day" philosophy. But fuck that. I don't want to do it. I know I can do 14 days. Yesterday I thought, Oh, all I have to do is three back-to-back 14 day fasts. I can do that!
I DON"T WANT TO! NOBODY PUT THIS UP TO ME BUT ME, AND I'M TELLING ME NO!!!!!!
I am clearly seeing how I react to goal setting, that much is sure.
I'm just saying, when I did the fast the last time, I just kind of did it. No announcements, no big hey everybody, here I go. I just started it and then ended it. It felt right.
This does not feel right. I keep trying to get myself to do it, and I can't. I don't know. Maybe I just want to stay fat forever.
That's all I'm writing today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
I embarked on doing a 40 day fast. I can't. I won't. I don't know why I even said I would.
I am crabby. I am angry. I am crabby because I really think that the food - nothing really bad this time, I've had a couple vegetarain burritos from Chipotle. A couple brownies. Some marshmallow cereal treats.
OK, but those are sugar-heavy meals. And I'm telling you, I think sugar makes me a stark raving angry fucking cunt. Oh. My. God. I was in a TYRRANICAL mood yesterday. I wanted to kill everyone and everything around me. Maybe it's time for my period? Because holy shit, I am taking names and wanting to come back and destroy.
I can't stand the job today. Maybe that's why I am afraid of the fast - I get in a really good mood, and everything seems OK. Like a naive little girl who doesn't know that she should be angry.
Which way is right? Is the angry way the right, smarter way? Or is the happy way the right, smarter way?
I feel generally happy and of good will when I do not eat foods with refined sugar in them. I generally get punch-drunk on the refined sugar, really happy and hyper, and then I crash and get into a bad mood.
Oh, I officially don't believe in ADD anymore. I am a grown adult, more than capable of knowing my moods, and I realized the other day that I was hyper from the sugar in my system. I think before we throw these kids on Ritalin, we need to first rid their diet of the refined sugar. Cuz that, I am quite certain, is what's causing their moods.
So, I'm still in angry mode. I don't want to fast. I'm trying to do the "Just For This Day" philosophy. But fuck that. I don't want to do it. I know I can do 14 days. Yesterday I thought, Oh, all I have to do is three back-to-back 14 day fasts. I can do that!
I DON"T WANT TO! NOBODY PUT THIS UP TO ME BUT ME, AND I'M TELLING ME NO!!!!!!
I am clearly seeing how I react to goal setting, that much is sure.
I'm just saying, when I did the fast the last time, I just kind of did it. No announcements, no big hey everybody, here I go. I just started it and then ended it. It felt right.
This does not feel right. I keep trying to get myself to do it, and I can't. I don't know. Maybe I just want to stay fat forever.
That's all I'm writing today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Um ... Alchoholic?
So ... as I've mentioned before in this blog, I've been watching my eating patterns like a scientist conducting an experiment with monkeys.
I've had weeks were all I've wanted is junk food, sugared food, pizza. And then other weeks where I just want pure juices ... blah blah, I'm bascially getting in touch with what my body wants and desires.
I start this fast on Wednesday, and things in my life, next steps, actions I should take, start getting really clear to me. I see a posting for a part time job, and I think, yes, I am going to apply for that. The implication of that becomes much bigger to me right away - it is a starting step to breaking my long-term, 10-year stretch with my current employer.
Saturday morning I woke up for work, and I simply felt ... awake. Like I've been in a coma or hybernating for the last five years. Now it's time to get up and out and live my life.
However, I've been hanging out with Mike a lot the last few days as well. I am feeling lonely - I don't have money to go out, and I feel isolated. I think this is of my own doing, but another time for that. Right now, I am just realizing that I want to LIVE! I want to see things and do things and meet people
And I've not been doing that the last few years. My social life has been grinding to halt. I think I'm changing paths, changing friends. I just don't know where it's going yet.
How this relates to my eating.
Yesterday, I was off my fast as I mentioned I was doing. I had eaten avocado and grapefruit as I've been craving like a mad woman for the last couple weeks.
A coworker invited me out for lunch. We went to an asian noodle place.
I ordered a dish called "Drunken Noodles." Who knew the name would be so appropriate.
On the surface, the dish was a good choice - it was vegetarian, and the noodles were rice. So, no wheat or dairy. I thought I was making a good, smart decision. I knew the sauce on this particular dish was sweet, so I knew there was some sugar going in to this. I have been thinking that sugar is something I need to avoid, as kind of a self-righteous healthy decision. I know it makes me a little hyper, but it's just sugar. It's not like it's booze or heroin. What does it hurt?
I'm starting to think that, maybe, for me, it is. And the following is my reasoning why...
I need this next part to be read like a slow motion scene in a movie: Fade in to me and my lunch date on the down escalator, chatting amiably as we go out the door for lunch. Ahead of us, one of our co-workers turns in slow motion, and says some funny comment. Again, picture slow motion. The comment he says comes out slow motion too, it was one word, like, "B l e n d e r s ".
Picture the guy who spoke slow motion turning back to the face the direction of the escaltor. Picture my co-worker and I at first slow motion laughing, and then both of us slow motion getting a confused, somewhat serious look on our faces. Slow motion Close up of the other co-workers mouth. Slow motion close up of me and my lunchdate getting a push of air onto our faces. Slow motion close up of us noticing a smell on that breath of air. Picture a live-action shot of the other co-worker having a lively drink with others at the bar on his lunch.
His breath reeked of booze. I couldn't quite place it, it wasn't beer. But it was booze. He turned and chatted to us one more time on the escalator down; and this time, I saw him. I saw his read eyes, his hazy demeanor, his trying very hard to keep it in check, but the inability to let some of the drunkeness slip out. He was drunk. Not just slightyly buzzed. Full. On. Drunk. At work. Working with the lovely homeowners of Chicago's Lincoln Park.
Neither my lunchdate or I said anything about what we smelled. It felt wrong to do that, more like gossip. But it struck me - couldn't customers smell that? Other co-workers? Management? And his actions were so manic - couldn't anyone else see this other than me?
I had an urge to go tell a manager about it. And then I decided that no, it wasn't going to help him if I did that. He's got to figure out he needs help. Me trying to tattle and jeopordize his job was not the solution.
Fast forward to us coming out of lunch. I had eaten all of my dish. My "Drunken Noodles." I remember laughing to myself at the title, how appropriate, they are sugary noodles and they call them "Drunken". I downed that whole plate. My lunchdate, a male I work with, ate only half of his entree.
We are walking back to work, and I can feel the lunch I just ate start to affect my system. I feel a shiver run through me. I feel my heart rate picking up. Could be from the walking, although we aren't walking that fast. But the bigger thing is, I feel myself getting gigglier and more animated.
It's about a ten minute walk back to the store. We somehow were talking about drinking, my co-worker asked if I was a happy drunk or a sad drunk. I said a happy drunk, and then told a story about one of my exploits.
I'm retelling the story, a story pin-pointing a problem with how I got when I was drinking ... and I felt like how I felt when I was drinking. I felt happy and animated and a little loud and that everything I said was brilliantly funny!!! Ha! HA! WOOOO!
I could feel it, I was getting ... drunk. Lunch is over and I get back out onto the sales floor. Some customers I had talked to the week prior were there, and grabbed me to ask me a question. I answer, but I was feeling a little foggy, and I misunderstood the question. They asked, "Do you have birdseed?" Of course meaning, does this store carry birdseed. I, however, answered, well, no, I don't have a backyard to have a bird feeder oh you mean do we carry birdseed! Yes, it's back here. The couple laughs heartily, the husband says, "Good one!" with a smile. Oh, yes. I certainly used to make people smile when I was drinking. I was charming and fun and funny and everybody just LOVED ME when I was drunk. I was feeling so much like that right now. I felt happy and good.
Then I went upstairs to my area. A couple of my coworkers were there, and I came upstairs and immediately made some grand, brillant comment. My co-workers kind of laugh. I take that ball and run with it. I start making more brilliant comments to one of my female co-workers.
Here's an interesting break in the story line: she and I have worked together for many years. I always felt like she just b a r e l y tolerated me. She'd smile and be nice, but I felt it was all she could muster. We didn't talk easily.
Since I've been doing my experiments with my eating, as well with just my own growth as a human being, she has warmed up to me a lot. I never really sought her friendship or approval. But I could feel that as I got a little more genuine with her, she simply felt better being around me.
Now we are back to my post lunch Drunken Noodle high. I can feel the sugars kicking in, and I am talking faster and am more animated. At first, my female co-worker comes over to hear my story that I'm sharing. But within a couple words, I see her eyes darken, and she kind of shuts off, and goes to help a customer.
And I see ... that she sees. She can tell when I'm "me," and she can tell when I'm "drunk". She would never call it that. She might call it hyper, or acting loud and obnoxious. But it became clear to me that others see it. They can see the difference.
That's when something hit me like a punch in the jaw: I've been still "drinking" all these years. I thought I quit, but all i did was switch from cigarettes to chewing tobbacco. Takes a little bit longer for the chewing tobacco to work, and it's nasty and it's gross. But it generates the same hit on a physiolgical level.
The punch landed squarely. I reeled a little bit.
I instantly brought it down a notch. I was very concerned about how I was acting. I quieted down. I brought down the bigness of my actions.
It was quite a revelation. I always thought that people just LOVED ME when I got like that. Suddenly I saw that they really didn't.
And I saw me. That isn't me. It's me hiding behind the armour of some chemical effect.
So here's the bigger question: is the alcohol the addiction, or the sugar? Cuz I can tell you, I was binge eating since I was a littel kid, it was my soothing comfort starting at about third grade. Maybe sooner, when my dad would have us sit and eat ice cream together at night when I was three and four. Sugar starts super early. Cuz. it's. harmless.
Only, I don't think it's harmless for me. I get really angry and mean when I come off from it. Sounds so silly, but it true. I think it's a real problem for me.
So I got thinking: do I go to an alcoholics anonymous meeting for this, or overeaters anonymous? Alcoholics Anonymous feels more right, but it also feels more dramatic. Like "Oh!!!! I'm ! An ! ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!!! OOOOaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Not sure how to get help on this. I think I'm going to check out on of each and see which feels more true.
The strange thing here is this: I was told my a spiritual advisor that she was getting alcoholism from my energy. I said, well, I overeat, I have an eating problem. She said, No. IT's not that that I'm getting. I'm getting alcoholism.
So am I trying to be a self-fulfiling prophecy; or am I admitting to the problem? We'll find out. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
I've had weeks were all I've wanted is junk food, sugared food, pizza. And then other weeks where I just want pure juices ... blah blah, I'm bascially getting in touch with what my body wants and desires.
I start this fast on Wednesday, and things in my life, next steps, actions I should take, start getting really clear to me. I see a posting for a part time job, and I think, yes, I am going to apply for that. The implication of that becomes much bigger to me right away - it is a starting step to breaking my long-term, 10-year stretch with my current employer.
Saturday morning I woke up for work, and I simply felt ... awake. Like I've been in a coma or hybernating for the last five years. Now it's time to get up and out and live my life.
However, I've been hanging out with Mike a lot the last few days as well. I am feeling lonely - I don't have money to go out, and I feel isolated. I think this is of my own doing, but another time for that. Right now, I am just realizing that I want to LIVE! I want to see things and do things and meet people
And I've not been doing that the last few years. My social life has been grinding to halt. I think I'm changing paths, changing friends. I just don't know where it's going yet.
How this relates to my eating.
Yesterday, I was off my fast as I mentioned I was doing. I had eaten avocado and grapefruit as I've been craving like a mad woman for the last couple weeks.
A coworker invited me out for lunch. We went to an asian noodle place.
I ordered a dish called "Drunken Noodles." Who knew the name would be so appropriate.
On the surface, the dish was a good choice - it was vegetarian, and the noodles were rice. So, no wheat or dairy. I thought I was making a good, smart decision. I knew the sauce on this particular dish was sweet, so I knew there was some sugar going in to this. I have been thinking that sugar is something I need to avoid, as kind of a self-righteous healthy decision. I know it makes me a little hyper, but it's just sugar. It's not like it's booze or heroin. What does it hurt?
I'm starting to think that, maybe, for me, it is. And the following is my reasoning why...
I need this next part to be read like a slow motion scene in a movie: Fade in to me and my lunch date on the down escalator, chatting amiably as we go out the door for lunch. Ahead of us, one of our co-workers turns in slow motion, and says some funny comment. Again, picture slow motion. The comment he says comes out slow motion too, it was one word, like, "B l e n d e r s ".
Picture the guy who spoke slow motion turning back to the face the direction of the escaltor. Picture my co-worker and I at first slow motion laughing, and then both of us slow motion getting a confused, somewhat serious look on our faces. Slow motion Close up of the other co-workers mouth. Slow motion close up of me and my lunchdate getting a push of air onto our faces. Slow motion close up of us noticing a smell on that breath of air. Picture a live-action shot of the other co-worker having a lively drink with others at the bar on his lunch.
His breath reeked of booze. I couldn't quite place it, it wasn't beer. But it was booze. He turned and chatted to us one more time on the escalator down; and this time, I saw him. I saw his read eyes, his hazy demeanor, his trying very hard to keep it in check, but the inability to let some of the drunkeness slip out. He was drunk. Not just slightyly buzzed. Full. On. Drunk. At work. Working with the lovely homeowners of Chicago's Lincoln Park.
Neither my lunchdate or I said anything about what we smelled. It felt wrong to do that, more like gossip. But it struck me - couldn't customers smell that? Other co-workers? Management? And his actions were so manic - couldn't anyone else see this other than me?
I had an urge to go tell a manager about it. And then I decided that no, it wasn't going to help him if I did that. He's got to figure out he needs help. Me trying to tattle and jeopordize his job was not the solution.
Fast forward to us coming out of lunch. I had eaten all of my dish. My "Drunken Noodles." I remember laughing to myself at the title, how appropriate, they are sugary noodles and they call them "Drunken". I downed that whole plate. My lunchdate, a male I work with, ate only half of his entree.
We are walking back to work, and I can feel the lunch I just ate start to affect my system. I feel a shiver run through me. I feel my heart rate picking up. Could be from the walking, although we aren't walking that fast. But the bigger thing is, I feel myself getting gigglier and more animated.
It's about a ten minute walk back to the store. We somehow were talking about drinking, my co-worker asked if I was a happy drunk or a sad drunk. I said a happy drunk, and then told a story about one of my exploits.
I'm retelling the story, a story pin-pointing a problem with how I got when I was drinking ... and I felt like how I felt when I was drinking. I felt happy and animated and a little loud and that everything I said was brilliantly funny!!! Ha! HA! WOOOO!
I could feel it, I was getting ... drunk. Lunch is over and I get back out onto the sales floor. Some customers I had talked to the week prior were there, and grabbed me to ask me a question. I answer, but I was feeling a little foggy, and I misunderstood the question. They asked, "Do you have birdseed?" Of course meaning, does this store carry birdseed. I, however, answered, well, no, I don't have a backyard to have a bird feeder oh you mean do we carry birdseed! Yes, it's back here. The couple laughs heartily, the husband says, "Good one!" with a smile. Oh, yes. I certainly used to make people smile when I was drinking. I was charming and fun and funny and everybody just LOVED ME when I was drunk. I was feeling so much like that right now. I felt happy and good.
Then I went upstairs to my area. A couple of my coworkers were there, and I came upstairs and immediately made some grand, brillant comment. My co-workers kind of laugh. I take that ball and run with it. I start making more brilliant comments to one of my female co-workers.
Here's an interesting break in the story line: she and I have worked together for many years. I always felt like she just b a r e l y tolerated me. She'd smile and be nice, but I felt it was all she could muster. We didn't talk easily.
Since I've been doing my experiments with my eating, as well with just my own growth as a human being, she has warmed up to me a lot. I never really sought her friendship or approval. But I could feel that as I got a little more genuine with her, she simply felt better being around me.
Now we are back to my post lunch Drunken Noodle high. I can feel the sugars kicking in, and I am talking faster and am more animated. At first, my female co-worker comes over to hear my story that I'm sharing. But within a couple words, I see her eyes darken, and she kind of shuts off, and goes to help a customer.
And I see ... that she sees. She can tell when I'm "me," and she can tell when I'm "drunk". She would never call it that. She might call it hyper, or acting loud and obnoxious. But it became clear to me that others see it. They can see the difference.
That's when something hit me like a punch in the jaw: I've been still "drinking" all these years. I thought I quit, but all i did was switch from cigarettes to chewing tobbacco. Takes a little bit longer for the chewing tobacco to work, and it's nasty and it's gross. But it generates the same hit on a physiolgical level.
The punch landed squarely. I reeled a little bit.
I instantly brought it down a notch. I was very concerned about how I was acting. I quieted down. I brought down the bigness of my actions.
It was quite a revelation. I always thought that people just LOVED ME when I got like that. Suddenly I saw that they really didn't.
And I saw me. That isn't me. It's me hiding behind the armour of some chemical effect.
So here's the bigger question: is the alcohol the addiction, or the sugar? Cuz I can tell you, I was binge eating since I was a littel kid, it was my soothing comfort starting at about third grade. Maybe sooner, when my dad would have us sit and eat ice cream together at night when I was three and four. Sugar starts super early. Cuz. it's. harmless.
Only, I don't think it's harmless for me. I get really angry and mean when I come off from it. Sounds so silly, but it true. I think it's a real problem for me.
So I got thinking: do I go to an alcoholics anonymous meeting for this, or overeaters anonymous? Alcoholics Anonymous feels more right, but it also feels more dramatic. Like "Oh!!!! I'm ! An ! ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!!! OOOOaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Not sure how to get help on this. I think I'm going to check out on of each and see which feels more true.
The strange thing here is this: I was told my a spiritual advisor that she was getting alcoholism from my energy. I said, well, I overeat, I have an eating problem. She said, No. IT's not that that I'm getting. I'm getting alcoholism.
So am I trying to be a self-fulfiling prophecy; or am I admitting to the problem? We'll find out. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Hold On
Hi. Just wanted to post that I am going to break the fast for a day and resume again tomorrow.
After I counted out the actual days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday, and realized it was 47 and not 40, I got concerned. I do feel confident I can do the forty days - but not 47. I then thought, well, I could end the fast on Palm Sunday. But ending it on Easter Sunday feels better to me.
So, today I am what feels like uploading enough avocado and grapefruit in me to last me nutritionally until Easter Sunday. I will continue my fast on Sunday. Just wanted to clarify that I am interrupting the fast to get it more in synch with the Easter Sunday end date.
Thank you. Until tomorrow.
After I counted out the actual days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday, and realized it was 47 and not 40, I got concerned. I do feel confident I can do the forty days - but not 47. I then thought, well, I could end the fast on Palm Sunday. But ending it on Easter Sunday feels better to me.
So, today I am what feels like uploading enough avocado and grapefruit in me to last me nutritionally until Easter Sunday. I will continue my fast on Sunday. Just wanted to clarify that I am interrupting the fast to get it more in synch with the Easter Sunday end date.
Thank you. Until tomorrow.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Futility Sets in ... I Should Just Quit
Good Morning.
So this is the third day of my Lenten fast.
I gotta just say it: I'm not as excited about this fast as I was about my stumbled-upon two-week fast last fall. It was so scary and adventurous and could I do it? And I did it! And the blog helped me face my fears every day! And I loved it!!!!!
But now, I feel like ... this whole fasting thing ... I think it's a little extreme. I mean, 40 days? That's a really fucking long time, in case you hadn't already thought that same thought. And, it seems so severe. So harsh. It doesn't necessarily feel like I'm really loving myself. It feels more like I'm a masochist who has been given an AWESOME excuse to beat up on herself for a month or so.
The hunger pangs have not been bad, the initial feeling of sickness and the withdrawal headaches weren't so bad, either; mostly because I knew to expect them. I'm not even that frantic about drinking water this time; if I get thirsty, I drink. I'm not as proactive about the water and that could be the most dangerous part about this endeavor.
About half way through yesterday, I got thinking about this whole fasting thing, this whole "prove I'm as tough as Jesus" mentality, and I thought, "Well, this is just stupid. It's not loving to myself or my body. It's mean. It's harsh and mean and there's simply no point to it.
"I should just quit.
"Who even cares if I do it or not? It's not like I've got money riding on this thing. In truth, no one would be the wiser if I followed through on this or not."
But then I thought about how I'd feel if I did quit. I've been talking with you guys about this fast - I haven't been talking with people in my circle about it, just my blog audience - since last fall. But also, I've been talking with ME about it. And I realized, if I did just give up, I would totally hate myself. I would have really disappointed ... me.
As I do all of this self-exploration, I am realizing more and more that those random little thoughts that pop into my head, "You should do this now, you should do that now," are really little guided instructions. From my higher power, from my higher self - I don't know. I don't know that it matters from what or who they come. What I do know, is that there are times when I walk past someone, and in my head I hear like a line whispered to me, I have started to say those lines. And they have always ended up leading me to a fun, happy moment.
Now that I am starting to trust those little cues, I'm starting to believe the other cues I get internally - for example, last year I wanted to take a vacation to Connecticut, and when I said that, I got an image of the dates I should go in my head. I hemmed and hawed on asking off, I waited on getting my train tickets. But I did it. And it was great - the weather was wonderful, the fall leaves were gorgeous, as if they were at the peak of the season. The trip was so lovely. There were other elements of it that I got little suggestions to do that I ignored, that I realize now I was probably be guided to do, but didn't. It makes me wonder what I possibly missed out on.
These little instructions are carrying through with other parts of my life, too. With bigger decisions. With my job, for example. I keep getting this little whisper to interview at places that I just can't believe I'd be qualified for. But the whisper keeps prompting. And I know if it's something I need to do, it'll persist until I do it. Sounds a little kooky, I suppose; but it has proven to be true, also. I guess it would be good to just go with it, right when I hear it, just trust it and do it. But I don't. I let it beg me, in a way. I don't act until I am absolutely certain that it really wants me to do what it's telling me to do.
That might be a little masochistic, too.
Anyway, how all this relates to the fast is this: I have had it in my head to do this fast. Maybe the point of doing it is just that: that it's not as tough as I think. Or that the goal I set isn't ultimately important; it's that I set a goal and followed through. Or, that I can trust a planned execution of a project. I mean, really; if I can get through a 40 day fast, I really do feel I can get through just about anything. I can plan and execute anything. It's an important feat for me to do.
Yesterday, as I was contemplating quitting the fast after seeing some A-ma-zing looking dishes on line, it occured to me that I do not need to live a life in fasting mode. That's been a concern for me - how do I go back to eating normally? One of the stories I was reading on fasting said that fasting can lead to eating disorders, kind of a blending of anorexia and bulimia in that the faster is starving themselves (anorexia) for a specifice period of time. Like the binge mentality with bulimics, except its binging on nothing instead of something.
I read another article, one in which a guy fasted "for 30 odd days." He posted a blog bitching about fasting, how stupid it was, how he wasted away to nothing. He was already thin when he started, and posted a picture of how skinny he got. He lives on a raw food diet, and felt that fasting was just taking things too far.
His ideas pissed me off. At the same time, his preachy demeanor hit home. Afterall, isn't there a little part inside of me that feels superior for doing this? That I'm tough enough, where as others are not? That maybe I'm just like him, just with slightly differing viewpoints? He sounded like he was trying to convert people to his way of life. Well... I guess it's probably true that I'm trying to do that with this blog too.
What did bother me, is all this info that's on the web about fasting, or about nutrition, seems to me to be primarily theory. Afterall, the old-fashioned nutrition pyramid ... was invented by two guys who were healthy who said, well, everybody should just eat like us. All the stories on fasting - they were all "reporting," they all sounded like the reporter found a previous article and reiterated that info.
I was internally screaming, "Where is YOUR evidence??? What is YOUR experience with it?" Like the pudgy priest the other night, it enfuriated me. What is YOUR KNOWLEDGE BASE??? IS IT FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE? HAVE YOU TRIED IT????
Wow, I've really got some anger on that. I think to me, having grown up being told I don't need to know or experience certain things, I get a little riled up when someone tells me "fact" based on bullshit. To me, fact is personal experience.
So maybe I'll do this fast and wind up like that guy, proclaiming it to be bullshit. Well. Ok. Then at least I have a personal experience to back up my opinion. Maybe I'll come out of this feeling amazing and preaching the wonders of fasting to everyone. After all, I've been dabbling in this for the last few years now. I didn't just wake up and decide to do a two-week and now a forty-day fast without having had smaller realizations around the amount of food I really need to be consuming in the year or two prior.
If I may get on my soapbox (that's what these blogs should really be called; a BlogBox) here's my opinion having not yet completed the fast: everyone comes to everything when they are ready. And that's all there is to it. And it's not for me or anyone else to judge. So while it made me angry that that guy was bitching about a fast that (oops, a judgements coming) he couldn't even stay on for the complete 30 days, I also feel he shouldn't judge those who do find fasting helpful. He pissed me off because he said in the blog that he ate pretty healthily all the time, and he was already thing. Well, no shit you're going to get emaciated looking after 30 days without much food.
My opinion is that fasting can be a good way to break patterns or identify patterns. I do see the point about exacerbating eating disorder tendencies; I definitely went off the fast and right back to the shitting eating I was doing before. Although, that's just part of my experiment. :)
Bottom line is this: I am doing this fast in the name of setting a goal and honoring it. And - I am curious to see what 40 days looks like on just water. If nothing else, the good thing that came was that yesterday, when I found those recipes online, I was looking at it, and I said, "I think it would be good to just eat moderately." If we look at how I do things, I don't do anything steadily. Every aspect of my life is big, wide swings from one extreme to another. Stuffing myself full of food to fasting. Paying my bills on time to incurring debt. Being close with people and then pulling away.
Yesterday afternoon, when I realized that I do want to commit to this fast to which I promised myself, I thought, "Besides, I've only got 37 more days to go." And saying it like that, "37 days," seemed to me to be the equivalent of 37 minutes. Like, Oh, that's not much time; it's just a little over half an hour over the course of a lifetime. Nothing. I can wait half an hour to eat those delicious looking recipes.
Maybe this fast, for me, is to show me that a middle ground is OK. By the way, I actually counted the days until Easter, and it's 47. I grew up Catholic and never realized that the 40 days ended the week prior, with Palm Sunday. So, I'm clarifying it here: I have committed to the 40 days. I will do the 40 days. I might decide at that point, what's one more week, let's go til Easter. But my commitment was and is for only 40 days. Guess we'll see how it goes. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
So this is the third day of my Lenten fast.
I gotta just say it: I'm not as excited about this fast as I was about my stumbled-upon two-week fast last fall. It was so scary and adventurous and could I do it? And I did it! And the blog helped me face my fears every day! And I loved it!!!!!
But now, I feel like ... this whole fasting thing ... I think it's a little extreme. I mean, 40 days? That's a really fucking long time, in case you hadn't already thought that same thought. And, it seems so severe. So harsh. It doesn't necessarily feel like I'm really loving myself. It feels more like I'm a masochist who has been given an AWESOME excuse to beat up on herself for a month or so.
The hunger pangs have not been bad, the initial feeling of sickness and the withdrawal headaches weren't so bad, either; mostly because I knew to expect them. I'm not even that frantic about drinking water this time; if I get thirsty, I drink. I'm not as proactive about the water and that could be the most dangerous part about this endeavor.
About half way through yesterday, I got thinking about this whole fasting thing, this whole "prove I'm as tough as Jesus" mentality, and I thought, "Well, this is just stupid. It's not loving to myself or my body. It's mean. It's harsh and mean and there's simply no point to it.
"I should just quit.
"Who even cares if I do it or not? It's not like I've got money riding on this thing. In truth, no one would be the wiser if I followed through on this or not."
But then I thought about how I'd feel if I did quit. I've been talking with you guys about this fast - I haven't been talking with people in my circle about it, just my blog audience - since last fall. But also, I've been talking with ME about it. And I realized, if I did just give up, I would totally hate myself. I would have really disappointed ... me.
As I do all of this self-exploration, I am realizing more and more that those random little thoughts that pop into my head, "You should do this now, you should do that now," are really little guided instructions. From my higher power, from my higher self - I don't know. I don't know that it matters from what or who they come. What I do know, is that there are times when I walk past someone, and in my head I hear like a line whispered to me, I have started to say those lines. And they have always ended up leading me to a fun, happy moment.
Now that I am starting to trust those little cues, I'm starting to believe the other cues I get internally - for example, last year I wanted to take a vacation to Connecticut, and when I said that, I got an image of the dates I should go in my head. I hemmed and hawed on asking off, I waited on getting my train tickets. But I did it. And it was great - the weather was wonderful, the fall leaves were gorgeous, as if they were at the peak of the season. The trip was so lovely. There were other elements of it that I got little suggestions to do that I ignored, that I realize now I was probably be guided to do, but didn't. It makes me wonder what I possibly missed out on.
These little instructions are carrying through with other parts of my life, too. With bigger decisions. With my job, for example. I keep getting this little whisper to interview at places that I just can't believe I'd be qualified for. But the whisper keeps prompting. And I know if it's something I need to do, it'll persist until I do it. Sounds a little kooky, I suppose; but it has proven to be true, also. I guess it would be good to just go with it, right when I hear it, just trust it and do it. But I don't. I let it beg me, in a way. I don't act until I am absolutely certain that it really wants me to do what it's telling me to do.
That might be a little masochistic, too.
Anyway, how all this relates to the fast is this: I have had it in my head to do this fast. Maybe the point of doing it is just that: that it's not as tough as I think. Or that the goal I set isn't ultimately important; it's that I set a goal and followed through. Or, that I can trust a planned execution of a project. I mean, really; if I can get through a 40 day fast, I really do feel I can get through just about anything. I can plan and execute anything. It's an important feat for me to do.
Yesterday, as I was contemplating quitting the fast after seeing some A-ma-zing looking dishes on line, it occured to me that I do not need to live a life in fasting mode. That's been a concern for me - how do I go back to eating normally? One of the stories I was reading on fasting said that fasting can lead to eating disorders, kind of a blending of anorexia and bulimia in that the faster is starving themselves (anorexia) for a specifice period of time. Like the binge mentality with bulimics, except its binging on nothing instead of something.
I read another article, one in which a guy fasted "for 30 odd days." He posted a blog bitching about fasting, how stupid it was, how he wasted away to nothing. He was already thin when he started, and posted a picture of how skinny he got. He lives on a raw food diet, and felt that fasting was just taking things too far.
His ideas pissed me off. At the same time, his preachy demeanor hit home. Afterall, isn't there a little part inside of me that feels superior for doing this? That I'm tough enough, where as others are not? That maybe I'm just like him, just with slightly differing viewpoints? He sounded like he was trying to convert people to his way of life. Well... I guess it's probably true that I'm trying to do that with this blog too.
What did bother me, is all this info that's on the web about fasting, or about nutrition, seems to me to be primarily theory. Afterall, the old-fashioned nutrition pyramid ... was invented by two guys who were healthy who said, well, everybody should just eat like us. All the stories on fasting - they were all "reporting," they all sounded like the reporter found a previous article and reiterated that info.
I was internally screaming, "Where is YOUR evidence??? What is YOUR experience with it?" Like the pudgy priest the other night, it enfuriated me. What is YOUR KNOWLEDGE BASE??? IS IT FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE? HAVE YOU TRIED IT????
Wow, I've really got some anger on that. I think to me, having grown up being told I don't need to know or experience certain things, I get a little riled up when someone tells me "fact" based on bullshit. To me, fact is personal experience.
So maybe I'll do this fast and wind up like that guy, proclaiming it to be bullshit. Well. Ok. Then at least I have a personal experience to back up my opinion. Maybe I'll come out of this feeling amazing and preaching the wonders of fasting to everyone. After all, I've been dabbling in this for the last few years now. I didn't just wake up and decide to do a two-week and now a forty-day fast without having had smaller realizations around the amount of food I really need to be consuming in the year or two prior.
If I may get on my soapbox (that's what these blogs should really be called; a BlogBox) here's my opinion having not yet completed the fast: everyone comes to everything when they are ready. And that's all there is to it. And it's not for me or anyone else to judge. So while it made me angry that that guy was bitching about a fast that (oops, a judgements coming) he couldn't even stay on for the complete 30 days, I also feel he shouldn't judge those who do find fasting helpful. He pissed me off because he said in the blog that he ate pretty healthily all the time, and he was already thing. Well, no shit you're going to get emaciated looking after 30 days without much food.
My opinion is that fasting can be a good way to break patterns or identify patterns. I do see the point about exacerbating eating disorder tendencies; I definitely went off the fast and right back to the shitting eating I was doing before. Although, that's just part of my experiment. :)
Bottom line is this: I am doing this fast in the name of setting a goal and honoring it. And - I am curious to see what 40 days looks like on just water. If nothing else, the good thing that came was that yesterday, when I found those recipes online, I was looking at it, and I said, "I think it would be good to just eat moderately." If we look at how I do things, I don't do anything steadily. Every aspect of my life is big, wide swings from one extreme to another. Stuffing myself full of food to fasting. Paying my bills on time to incurring debt. Being close with people and then pulling away.
Yesterday afternoon, when I realized that I do want to commit to this fast to which I promised myself, I thought, "Besides, I've only got 37 more days to go." And saying it like that, "37 days," seemed to me to be the equivalent of 37 minutes. Like, Oh, that's not much time; it's just a little over half an hour over the course of a lifetime. Nothing. I can wait half an hour to eat those delicious looking recipes.
Maybe this fast, for me, is to show me that a middle ground is OK. By the way, I actually counted the days until Easter, and it's 47. I grew up Catholic and never realized that the 40 days ended the week prior, with Palm Sunday. So, I'm clarifying it here: I have committed to the 40 days. I will do the 40 days. I might decide at that point, what's one more week, let's go til Easter. But my commitment was and is for only 40 days. Guess we'll see how it goes. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day One of Forty Complete
I have just completed one 24-hour period on the fast.
Yesterday, I meant to blog quick about more fear about embarking on this undertaking. I meant to cry and whine and flail and scream about going without food for 40 days.
Truth is, once I decided I was doing it, I was doing it. No going back. No doubts.
I did really want food yesterday. I made myself some tea. I think tea is going to be my salvation for this fast; it feels like I'm eating soup. It's warm in my tummy, there are spices and flavors. So, I think I'm going to allow that out. If I need to drink tea, I will.
Overall, the day went fine. There was one major irritation for me:
I decided I was going to go to Catholic Lenten services as well. Since I'm doing this for health as well as spiritual/scientic research, I thought observing the Catholic Lenten season in this way would be healing. For one, if I get through this, this will heal all those past Lents of my childhood where I would say what I'm giving up for Lent, try for maybe a week, tire of it, and forget about it.
The other, and this is what got me during the mass last night, is that I truly believe Jesus' actions were meant to be just as guiding to us as his words. So, his fasting for 40 days ... well, I think we should be able to do that. I think he did what he did to show us that if he could do it, we could too. Well, except for that whole getting nailed on a cross thing - but other than that, I think Jesus was giving us tips and ideas the whole way.
On a personal level, I grew up with older siblings, and with well-meaning friends and family members who would react to things I'd share with them with a "Well, you can't do that." or a "No. Not Possible." So therefore I couldn't try. Or so I used to think.
Last night in the Ash Wednesday services - which, for those of you who aren't Catholic, Ash Wednesday kicks off the entire Lenten Season, which ... maybe we'll leave that explanation to our friends at Wikipedia - the priest was talking about fasting.
My main problem with the church is it's hypocracy. So this priest is talking about fasting, and how noble it is, and how it helps you relate to the starving children of the world. And it made me so fucking angry. I wanted to stand up and shout to the priest, "Um, have you fasted? Are you fasting now?" Cuz if he has fasted or if he is fasting, he could maybe relate that to his congregation members. You know - maybe admit that this morning he woke up and REALLY wanted to go get a Dunkacino and egg and cheese croissant sandwich, but chose not to - didn't "sacrifice" as much as "made a decision" - because he realized that he could just have one again in 39 days. And 39 days is not that long a time, it's six weeks we've gone much longer without things like vacations and time off for ourselves and the like. So I wish he would have personalized it, related a struggle he was experiencing, so we as the congregation members would feel like we are in the experience together, not being told what to do.
The beautiful thing that I got out of the service was that he related hearing some radio djs talking about what they were going to "give up" for Lent. The priest said, "And I just wanted to shout at them, 'It's not about giving up! It's about baptism and making room for new life! Everybody thinks it about giving things up that they love. It's about taking some time to pause, analyze, and reflect on where we are in our lives. It's about taking time to slow down."
I thought that was quite lovely, and I felt it fit where I am in my life's journey very well.
This morning I woke up and noted how good I felt just from 24 hours without food. The layer under my skin felt ... happy. My body felt lighter. I have a massive headache, withdrawl from the sugar and caffeine I'd been happily eating every day up until this point. But I know that that will clear within a day or so. I feel glad I am doing this for my body, for clearing some room for spirit to be able to play. If anyone is reading this out there, I wouldn't mind posts about your own spiritual awakening, or links to blogs on the topic of fasting and the effect that it has had on you as a person. I think we all can learn from each other.
Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Yesterday, I meant to blog quick about more fear about embarking on this undertaking. I meant to cry and whine and flail and scream about going without food for 40 days.
Truth is, once I decided I was doing it, I was doing it. No going back. No doubts.
I did really want food yesterday. I made myself some tea. I think tea is going to be my salvation for this fast; it feels like I'm eating soup. It's warm in my tummy, there are spices and flavors. So, I think I'm going to allow that out. If I need to drink tea, I will.
Overall, the day went fine. There was one major irritation for me:
I decided I was going to go to Catholic Lenten services as well. Since I'm doing this for health as well as spiritual/scientic research, I thought observing the Catholic Lenten season in this way would be healing. For one, if I get through this, this will heal all those past Lents of my childhood where I would say what I'm giving up for Lent, try for maybe a week, tire of it, and forget about it.
The other, and this is what got me during the mass last night, is that I truly believe Jesus' actions were meant to be just as guiding to us as his words. So, his fasting for 40 days ... well, I think we should be able to do that. I think he did what he did to show us that if he could do it, we could too. Well, except for that whole getting nailed on a cross thing - but other than that, I think Jesus was giving us tips and ideas the whole way.
On a personal level, I grew up with older siblings, and with well-meaning friends and family members who would react to things I'd share with them with a "Well, you can't do that." or a "No. Not Possible." So therefore I couldn't try. Or so I used to think.
Last night in the Ash Wednesday services - which, for those of you who aren't Catholic, Ash Wednesday kicks off the entire Lenten Season, which ... maybe we'll leave that explanation to our friends at Wikipedia - the priest was talking about fasting.
My main problem with the church is it's hypocracy. So this priest is talking about fasting, and how noble it is, and how it helps you relate to the starving children of the world. And it made me so fucking angry. I wanted to stand up and shout to the priest, "Um, have you fasted? Are you fasting now?" Cuz if he has fasted or if he is fasting, he could maybe relate that to his congregation members. You know - maybe admit that this morning he woke up and REALLY wanted to go get a Dunkacino and egg and cheese croissant sandwich, but chose not to - didn't "sacrifice" as much as "made a decision" - because he realized that he could just have one again in 39 days. And 39 days is not that long a time, it's six weeks we've gone much longer without things like vacations and time off for ourselves and the like. So I wish he would have personalized it, related a struggle he was experiencing, so we as the congregation members would feel like we are in the experience together, not being told what to do.
The beautiful thing that I got out of the service was that he related hearing some radio djs talking about what they were going to "give up" for Lent. The priest said, "And I just wanted to shout at them, 'It's not about giving up! It's about baptism and making room for new life! Everybody thinks it about giving things up that they love. It's about taking some time to pause, analyze, and reflect on where we are in our lives. It's about taking time to slow down."
I thought that was quite lovely, and I felt it fit where I am in my life's journey very well.
This morning I woke up and noted how good I felt just from 24 hours without food. The layer under my skin felt ... happy. My body felt lighter. I have a massive headache, withdrawl from the sugar and caffeine I'd been happily eating every day up until this point. But I know that that will clear within a day or so. I feel glad I am doing this for my body, for clearing some room for spirit to be able to play. If anyone is reading this out there, I wouldn't mind posts about your own spiritual awakening, or links to blogs on the topic of fasting and the effect that it has had on you as a person. I think we all can learn from each other.
Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Fat Tuesday
It's Fat Tuesday.
In approximately two hours, I will officially begin my attempt at a 40 Day Lenten Fast.
I am terrified. I'm not gonna lie. I am scared I won't be able to do it. I am afraid I will hurt myslef. I am afraid I will die.
Again - if it gets to the point where it is physically dangerous, I will terminate the fast. But if it keeps going well, then I will keep going. I hope.
This biggest thing I am worried about is me. I do not do well with goal setting. This is absolutely horrifying to me. I have set a goal. I have told you I am wanting to do this goal.
Now I have to do it.
Ugh.
I hate this.
I'm feeling a temper tantrum come on here ... yeah, here we go ... I DON'T WANNA DO THIS FAST!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I SAID I WOULD DO IT!!!! THERE IS NO WAY I CAN ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT!!!! I AM FULL OF SHIT!!!! DON'T LISTEN TO ME!! DON'T BELIEVE ME!!! THERE IS NO WAY I CAN DO THIS!!! I AM ALREADY A FAILURE CUZ I DON'T BELIEVE IN ME SO WHY SHOULD YOU!!! WALK AWAY NOW!!! I WILL LET YOU DOWN!!! YOU WILL THINK I CAN PULL THIS OFF BUT I CAN'T!!! I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR LETTING YOU ALL DOWN!!! I AM ALL TALK AND NO ACTION. I AM SORRY. BUT IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
ok. Well, hopefully i have pulled a little reverse psychology on myself, and maybe now I can accomplish it.
Well, we'll find out I guess.
In other news, I attempted to eat a proper Fat Tuesday way today, but it seems rather anti-climactic. My final food choices in the last 24 hours included a Panera Brownie, a medley of sandwiches from McDonald's today, and tonight Mike and I went to Red Lobster, but it was the most unsatisfying Red Lobster meal I've ever had. The biscuits were dry like they've been sitting under a heat lamp forever. The mushroom caps were good as always, the clam chowder was good. Actually, it was just the biscuits that weren't good. I think I was just blaming my overall dissatisfaction with my last supper choices on Red Lobster. Sorry. Not fair.
Ok, so, this is the end of the world as I know it. I am about to embark on my fast, I will be going back to doing daily postings, I thank you all for reading. Until next time.
In approximately two hours, I will officially begin my attempt at a 40 Day Lenten Fast.
I am terrified. I'm not gonna lie. I am scared I won't be able to do it. I am afraid I will hurt myslef. I am afraid I will die.
Again - if it gets to the point where it is physically dangerous, I will terminate the fast. But if it keeps going well, then I will keep going. I hope.
This biggest thing I am worried about is me. I do not do well with goal setting. This is absolutely horrifying to me. I have set a goal. I have told you I am wanting to do this goal.
Now I have to do it.
Ugh.
I hate this.
I'm feeling a temper tantrum come on here ... yeah, here we go ... I DON'T WANNA DO THIS FAST!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I SAID I WOULD DO IT!!!! THERE IS NO WAY I CAN ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT!!!! I AM FULL OF SHIT!!!! DON'T LISTEN TO ME!! DON'T BELIEVE ME!!! THERE IS NO WAY I CAN DO THIS!!! I AM ALREADY A FAILURE CUZ I DON'T BELIEVE IN ME SO WHY SHOULD YOU!!! WALK AWAY NOW!!! I WILL LET YOU DOWN!!! YOU WILL THINK I CAN PULL THIS OFF BUT I CAN'T!!! I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR LETTING YOU ALL DOWN!!! I AM ALL TALK AND NO ACTION. I AM SORRY. BUT IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
ok. Well, hopefully i have pulled a little reverse psychology on myself, and maybe now I can accomplish it.
Well, we'll find out I guess.
In other news, I attempted to eat a proper Fat Tuesday way today, but it seems rather anti-climactic. My final food choices in the last 24 hours included a Panera Brownie, a medley of sandwiches from McDonald's today, and tonight Mike and I went to Red Lobster, but it was the most unsatisfying Red Lobster meal I've ever had. The biscuits were dry like they've been sitting under a heat lamp forever. The mushroom caps were good as always, the clam chowder was good. Actually, it was just the biscuits that weren't good. I think I was just blaming my overall dissatisfaction with my last supper choices on Red Lobster. Sorry. Not fair.
Ok, so, this is the end of the world as I know it. I am about to embark on my fast, I will be going back to doing daily postings, I thank you all for reading. Until next time.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The Addict
I think it's just like drinking.
I used to drink a lot back in the day. I partied and had fun and wouldn't change a lick of it.
Now, I don't party as much. I had problems with boundaries and drawing boundaries and telling boys no and having them understand me that I meant no and
Yesterday at work, some co-workers and I got talking about sex and drinking. We were regaling each other with stories of parties past, of escapades from days gone by.
As we talked, I made the comment that I use my weight as my boundary line now. They both said my weight is fine, that that wouldn't stop me from finding someone who loves me.
It struck me when they said that. Because I think it might be true; that it's not my weight keeping boys away - it's me.
The day before this, the department supervisor I have a mild crush on - actually, i should call that what it is to me - the department supervisor who I am practicing allowing intimacy with but he doesn't know it - playfully pushed into me. He t o u c h e d me.
With a smile, with playfulness, and without getting a look of horror and replusion on his face after having made contact with me.
And I'm fat!
Here's where a disclaimer is needed. The disclaimer is this - it's not that I have low self esteem. Someone with low self esteem would think they are unlovable. I believe that I am lovable; I just believe that it's only when I am in a specific weight range. Hm... ok, I'd be willing to entertain the notion that that is a form of low self esteem. Let's just say I don't act like I have low self esteem: I talk fairly easily with most people, people tell me I am easy to be around, and I laugh boisterously and fully when I laugh. I'm not a mouse. I'm more of a moderately neurotic fox.
Now for the part about how this was practicing: I smiled at him and lightly pushed back into him after he playfully pushed into me. Normally I would have not known why he did that to me, and gotten weird about it, and maybe laughed nervously and then got out of there. This time, I laughed lightly, playfully pushed back into him, and allowed the moment to happen. He laughed back. I think we even made happy eye contact. THEN I got weird and got out of there...
That's a step toward intimacy for me. You might not think so, but it was a pretty big step for me. Usually when boys do that I feel assaulted or confused. This day, I took it as a simple you-are-a-person-i-like push. No hidden anything. I lived in the moment. And it was good.
For those of you coming in late to the blog, I am currently at 230 pounds, and believe that no man would want a woman who weighs more than 130 pounds. And if a man does want a woman who weighs more than 130 pounds, then there is seriously something wrong with that man. And I, wanting to know that i am loved for me and not just for having an attractive body, want a man to fall in love with me while I weigh more ... except that if that were to happen, I'd not believe he loves me, try to figure out what's wrong with him, and it wouldn't work out anyway.
So that's part of the exploration on this blog - exploring and busting my personal beliefs. Maybe they'll resonate with some of yours. We'll co-journey together. Without every knowing each other. ... ?
The other part of this blog is about food, my relationship with it, and whether or not the "food" I am eating is actually nutrient-giving food, or - what occured to me in this last 24 hour period - just another form of booze, in another shape and consistency and in another vehicle in which to enter my bloodstream.
I've been going to Debtor's Anonymous meetings for the last week, and they reference Alcohlics Anonymous literature quite often. This week, I got angry at myself because I overdrew a couple checks - mostly because I bought food. Food that wasn't really food. Food that was really my booze. And I thought - which program do I really need - a program to stop me from messing up my money, or a program which addresses the junk I am really spending my money on - my booze food. Do I need, DA, OA or AA? Or all three?
This morning I got up, and I R E A L L Y wished I had some of this cake from Jewel that I love. This is the only cake on the planet (that I know of) that I like anymore. I had had some at Mike's two nights before. And I woke up this morning, wanting more of it. Now. BADly...
Mike came and gave me a ride to work. I asked if we could stop and get something to eat ... maybe just go to Jewel and I can get some of that cake? Mike said, No, we can just stop and get breakfast somewhere. I said, but I really want the cake. He thought I was kidding.
I wasn't. I wanted that damned cake.
I realized I was feeling crazy about it. So I stepped off, and when he suggested we stop at a pastry shop, I agreed.
They had nothing I wanted. I wanted that fucking cake. NOW. They had nothing that came close. I could have gotten a fruit cup. I just wanted that cake. So I got nothing, and accepted that I would have to wait until lunch, when I could go get some for myself. And it was gonna be a long wait til lunch.
Lunch time arrives. I immediately go to my car to drive to Jewel.
There are times when I go grocery shopping, and I feel like everyone must be able to see the homeless, scuzzoid, loser addict that I am - I dress nicely and look good with my hair fashionably styled and my make up all done, like a contributing member of society. But my feeling toward the food, and the energy I must be giving out, is that of a broke alcoholic buying their expensive, preferred bottle of booze.
It's a hit. It's a line. It's my lie.
People are just maybe starting to see that not all food is actually food. Some of it is tasty, but act like drugs in the body.
I have felt for a while that sugar may be that way in my body. But I've never had any substantial proof. Here's today's documentation:
I ate a 16-oz triple layer marble cake with layers of mouse in between. Then, I went to KFC and got a two-piece leg and thigh meal with mashed potatoes. Carbs and meat - neary a nutrient-rich fruit or vegetable in sight.
Upon eating half the cake, a mild, throbbing headache started.
After eating the chicken, I was so full I was having problems breathing.
At work, I was expecting to have more immediate reactions. However, they didn't really come until after work.
Went out to dinner, and on the way there, I could barely read the text on my phone. It was a struggle to focus on the letters. This was due to all the sugar - I've seen that repeatedly when I eat sugared foods versus when I don't. My vision goes really fuzzy. It makes me wonder how many people out there have prescriptions for glasses, and just have never known that the real culprit is that innocent looking soda they drink all day long.
Mike and I went out for dinner tonight. Pizza. Then I wanted some custard. Went and got that, and I'm still feeling the repurcusions; which is that basically, I feel drunk. I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open, which was a common side effect of the rum and colas I'd been drinking all night. I can feel my heart is racing, but I am extremely lethargic at the same time. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight. I am falling asleep as I write this.
My point is, I am ReaLLY looking forward to this fast. I think I will do well on it. Let's hope I can get through it without shaving my head bald in a dramatic "new life" ceremony.
Yesterday this revelation came to me, that my food choices are no different than a drunk's drink choices. I don't generally nutrient-giving foods. I eat junk foods.
I went a day with this thought in my head, and suddenly, the world seemed clear to me. I realized how much of the time I have spent foggy and unfocused. I went one day eating only non-breads, which turn into sugar in my system, and non-sugared foods. But that sounds depravating, so let's spin that: I spent one day eating only fresh fruits and vegetables, and only foods with all-natural ingredients.
The results? I felt great, I didn't even go "raw." I just went natural.
The scale read four pounds lighter in one night. I felt clearer and more in tune with the world around me. I got through the day applying the "just for this day" philosophy. And I got through. I felt clearer and more "me" than I have in years.
So. This is the question - How do I want to live my life? Clear and focused, with ample energy to do what I want in this life? Or, focused and crabby, wondering why I'm so tired all the time? This is the question of a lifetime. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
I used to drink a lot back in the day. I partied and had fun and wouldn't change a lick of it.
Now, I don't party as much. I had problems with boundaries and drawing boundaries and telling boys no and having them understand me that I meant no and
Yesterday at work, some co-workers and I got talking about sex and drinking. We were regaling each other with stories of parties past, of escapades from days gone by.
As we talked, I made the comment that I use my weight as my boundary line now. They both said my weight is fine, that that wouldn't stop me from finding someone who loves me.
It struck me when they said that. Because I think it might be true; that it's not my weight keeping boys away - it's me.
The day before this, the department supervisor I have a mild crush on - actually, i should call that what it is to me - the department supervisor who I am practicing allowing intimacy with but he doesn't know it - playfully pushed into me. He t o u c h e d me.
With a smile, with playfulness, and without getting a look of horror and replusion on his face after having made contact with me.
And I'm fat!
Here's where a disclaimer is needed. The disclaimer is this - it's not that I have low self esteem. Someone with low self esteem would think they are unlovable. I believe that I am lovable; I just believe that it's only when I am in a specific weight range. Hm... ok, I'd be willing to entertain the notion that that is a form of low self esteem. Let's just say I don't act like I have low self esteem: I talk fairly easily with most people, people tell me I am easy to be around, and I laugh boisterously and fully when I laugh. I'm not a mouse. I'm more of a moderately neurotic fox.
Now for the part about how this was practicing: I smiled at him and lightly pushed back into him after he playfully pushed into me. Normally I would have not known why he did that to me, and gotten weird about it, and maybe laughed nervously and then got out of there. This time, I laughed lightly, playfully pushed back into him, and allowed the moment to happen. He laughed back. I think we even made happy eye contact. THEN I got weird and got out of there...
That's a step toward intimacy for me. You might not think so, but it was a pretty big step for me. Usually when boys do that I feel assaulted or confused. This day, I took it as a simple you-are-a-person-i-like push. No hidden anything. I lived in the moment. And it was good.
For those of you coming in late to the blog, I am currently at 230 pounds, and believe that no man would want a woman who weighs more than 130 pounds. And if a man does want a woman who weighs more than 130 pounds, then there is seriously something wrong with that man. And I, wanting to know that i am loved for me and not just for having an attractive body, want a man to fall in love with me while I weigh more ... except that if that were to happen, I'd not believe he loves me, try to figure out what's wrong with him, and it wouldn't work out anyway.
So that's part of the exploration on this blog - exploring and busting my personal beliefs. Maybe they'll resonate with some of yours. We'll co-journey together. Without every knowing each other. ... ?
The other part of this blog is about food, my relationship with it, and whether or not the "food" I am eating is actually nutrient-giving food, or - what occured to me in this last 24 hour period - just another form of booze, in another shape and consistency and in another vehicle in which to enter my bloodstream.
I've been going to Debtor's Anonymous meetings for the last week, and they reference Alcohlics Anonymous literature quite often. This week, I got angry at myself because I overdrew a couple checks - mostly because I bought food. Food that wasn't really food. Food that was really my booze. And I thought - which program do I really need - a program to stop me from messing up my money, or a program which addresses the junk I am really spending my money on - my booze food. Do I need, DA, OA or AA? Or all three?
This morning I got up, and I R E A L L Y wished I had some of this cake from Jewel that I love. This is the only cake on the planet (that I know of) that I like anymore. I had had some at Mike's two nights before. And I woke up this morning, wanting more of it. Now. BADly...
Mike came and gave me a ride to work. I asked if we could stop and get something to eat ... maybe just go to Jewel and I can get some of that cake? Mike said, No, we can just stop and get breakfast somewhere. I said, but I really want the cake. He thought I was kidding.
I wasn't. I wanted that damned cake.
I realized I was feeling crazy about it. So I stepped off, and when he suggested we stop at a pastry shop, I agreed.
They had nothing I wanted. I wanted that fucking cake. NOW. They had nothing that came close. I could have gotten a fruit cup. I just wanted that cake. So I got nothing, and accepted that I would have to wait until lunch, when I could go get some for myself. And it was gonna be a long wait til lunch.
Lunch time arrives. I immediately go to my car to drive to Jewel.
There are times when I go grocery shopping, and I feel like everyone must be able to see the homeless, scuzzoid, loser addict that I am - I dress nicely and look good with my hair fashionably styled and my make up all done, like a contributing member of society. But my feeling toward the food, and the energy I must be giving out, is that of a broke alcoholic buying their expensive, preferred bottle of booze.
It's a hit. It's a line. It's my lie.
People are just maybe starting to see that not all food is actually food. Some of it is tasty, but act like drugs in the body.
I have felt for a while that sugar may be that way in my body. But I've never had any substantial proof. Here's today's documentation:
I ate a 16-oz triple layer marble cake with layers of mouse in between. Then, I went to KFC and got a two-piece leg and thigh meal with mashed potatoes. Carbs and meat - neary a nutrient-rich fruit or vegetable in sight.
Upon eating half the cake, a mild, throbbing headache started.
After eating the chicken, I was so full I was having problems breathing.
At work, I was expecting to have more immediate reactions. However, they didn't really come until after work.
Went out to dinner, and on the way there, I could barely read the text on my phone. It was a struggle to focus on the letters. This was due to all the sugar - I've seen that repeatedly when I eat sugared foods versus when I don't. My vision goes really fuzzy. It makes me wonder how many people out there have prescriptions for glasses, and just have never known that the real culprit is that innocent looking soda they drink all day long.
Mike and I went out for dinner tonight. Pizza. Then I wanted some custard. Went and got that, and I'm still feeling the repurcusions; which is that basically, I feel drunk. I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open, which was a common side effect of the rum and colas I'd been drinking all night. I can feel my heart is racing, but I am extremely lethargic at the same time. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight. I am falling asleep as I write this.
My point is, I am ReaLLY looking forward to this fast. I think I will do well on it. Let's hope I can get through it without shaving my head bald in a dramatic "new life" ceremony.
Yesterday this revelation came to me, that my food choices are no different than a drunk's drink choices. I don't generally nutrient-giving foods. I eat junk foods.
I went a day with this thought in my head, and suddenly, the world seemed clear to me. I realized how much of the time I have spent foggy and unfocused. I went one day eating only non-breads, which turn into sugar in my system, and non-sugared foods. But that sounds depravating, so let's spin that: I spent one day eating only fresh fruits and vegetables, and only foods with all-natural ingredients.
The results? I felt great, I didn't even go "raw." I just went natural.
The scale read four pounds lighter in one night. I felt clearer and more in tune with the world around me. I got through the day applying the "just for this day" philosophy. And I got through. I felt clearer and more "me" than I have in years.
So. This is the question - How do I want to live my life? Clear and focused, with ample energy to do what I want in this life? Or, focused and crabby, wondering why I'm so tired all the time? This is the question of a lifetime. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
DA, OA, AA: for Moi?
Today I realized my passing out after cake might be similar to passing out after binging on booze.
Getting free and clear of the food seems impossible.
Thanks for listening. Until next time
Getting free and clear of the food seems impossible.
Thanks for listening. Until next time
Friday, February 12, 2010
Food, Lies and Videotape
Today I got on the scale. It said 234 pounds.
How the fuck did I gain that much weight that fast? Am I eating that much in preparation/fear of the fast I plan to embark on?
A couple weeks ago I read the Loni Anderson auto-biography. Why, you ask? Well, because I remember her being It On A Stick - or, probably better named I'd Like To Have Her On My Stick - back in the 1980s. And then she disappeared. And her book was in a thrift store for a dollar, and I thought, her story might have some interesting revelations for my own.
So I read it, and here's what I'm going to relate today. In it, she is talking about how she never had any "casting couch" stories to tell. How she had even said that to a producer, and the producer said, (I'm paraphrasing) "You haven't had any because while your body says one thing, your demeanor says another. And your demeanor says you wouldn't be up for that."
This struck me. Cuz she does - she has the looks of someone who would blow half of Hollywood if it got her a decent pay rate. Sorry, Loni, but you do, you have that look.
So what's that "look?" Is it because men would want her to blow them? Is that why we think she has that look? Do we label the women pre-emptively?
I'm not going to go into that right now, but the part about how our bodies speak for us has been kicking around in my head since then. So I think I'm going to start sharing what my body is saying each day, at each gain and loss of poundage.
So, starting with today, 234 pounds, here's what I think my body is wordlessly saying:
She can't do it anymore. She has hit bottom. This person's soul I am carrying around is tired, she doesn't want to do the work we need to do and she's avoiding it by cramming all this weight onto her caravan. She needs help. She's drowning in her own pool of fat and shame. She doesn't need to carry all this weight around. In fact, she doesn't really enjoy it. But she does enjoy all the stuff it gets her out of doing. Risking herself, being around others. She has an addiction - there is no way around this, but she will not face it until she hits bottom. Today she had the thought that if she keeps going, she'll get up to 250, even 300. Is this territory she really wants to explore, or is it her way of just burying and hiding herself further and further away from the surface of her own life, her own skin. For the heavier she gets, the farther she gets from her soul, and she knows this. The lighter she gets, the more in danger she is. If she is cut then, - thin - there is no where for the knife to go but to cause her damage. If she is cut now, - fat - the fat can absorb some of the hurt and the harm. The fat is her refuge. She is in refuge in her own fat right now. She is not truly accessible. She can peer out at you from all the fat, but it's like trying to be intimate with someone in a battle tank - they can shout at you from inside, but there's no getting close to them. This is what her body is silently telling everyone around her right now. And until she's ready to change that, that's the message she will keep sending out. For she is not safe thinner - thinner means more demands from more people. Fat fewer demands from fewer people. She can only handle so much. This is the message she is proclaiming to the world via the size and shape of her body. This is what she wants them to know. Until she learns how to express that otherwise, her body will continue to hold that responsibility.
Thank you for listening. Until next time.
How the fuck did I gain that much weight that fast? Am I eating that much in preparation/fear of the fast I plan to embark on?
A couple weeks ago I read the Loni Anderson auto-biography. Why, you ask? Well, because I remember her being It On A Stick - or, probably better named I'd Like To Have Her On My Stick - back in the 1980s. And then she disappeared. And her book was in a thrift store for a dollar, and I thought, her story might have some interesting revelations for my own.
So I read it, and here's what I'm going to relate today. In it, she is talking about how she never had any "casting couch" stories to tell. How she had even said that to a producer, and the producer said, (I'm paraphrasing) "You haven't had any because while your body says one thing, your demeanor says another. And your demeanor says you wouldn't be up for that."
This struck me. Cuz she does - she has the looks of someone who would blow half of Hollywood if it got her a decent pay rate. Sorry, Loni, but you do, you have that look.
So what's that "look?" Is it because men would want her to blow them? Is that why we think she has that look? Do we label the women pre-emptively?
I'm not going to go into that right now, but the part about how our bodies speak for us has been kicking around in my head since then. So I think I'm going to start sharing what my body is saying each day, at each gain and loss of poundage.
So, starting with today, 234 pounds, here's what I think my body is wordlessly saying:
She can't do it anymore. She has hit bottom. This person's soul I am carrying around is tired, she doesn't want to do the work we need to do and she's avoiding it by cramming all this weight onto her caravan. She needs help. She's drowning in her own pool of fat and shame. She doesn't need to carry all this weight around. In fact, she doesn't really enjoy it. But she does enjoy all the stuff it gets her out of doing. Risking herself, being around others. She has an addiction - there is no way around this, but she will not face it until she hits bottom. Today she had the thought that if she keeps going, she'll get up to 250, even 300. Is this territory she really wants to explore, or is it her way of just burying and hiding herself further and further away from the surface of her own life, her own skin. For the heavier she gets, the farther she gets from her soul, and she knows this. The lighter she gets, the more in danger she is. If she is cut then, - thin - there is no where for the knife to go but to cause her damage. If she is cut now, - fat - the fat can absorb some of the hurt and the harm. The fat is her refuge. She is in refuge in her own fat right now. She is not truly accessible. She can peer out at you from all the fat, but it's like trying to be intimate with someone in a battle tank - they can shout at you from inside, but there's no getting close to them. This is what her body is silently telling everyone around her right now. And until she's ready to change that, that's the message she will keep sending out. For she is not safe thinner - thinner means more demands from more people. Fat fewer demands from fewer people. She can only handle so much. This is the message she is proclaiming to the world via the size and shape of her body. This is what she wants them to know. Until she learns how to express that otherwise, her body will continue to hold that responsibility.
Thank you for listening. Until next time.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I'm Ready
Ash Wednesday approaches, February 17.
The day before yesterday, I was doing something unimportant, when this overwhelming feeling of calm washed over me, and I thought, "Yes. I am ready to do this fast." I am. I am looking forward to giving my body 40 days to work on whatever repairs it needs to make for 40 days, looking forward to having 40 days of not worrying about what to eat for lunch, a 40 day reprieve from food spending. I think I will be able to do it. And if I can't, as I've said in previous blogs, I'll make adjustments.
In other news, the Store Manager at the Home Depot I work at called me yesterday and asked me if I'd like to be the Wellness Captain.
For those of you new to the blog, let me catch you up: I am a 5'6" tall woman who currently weighs 228 pounds. You could easily cut me in half and create two women. I work as a kitchen designer at a Home Depot, and while I enjoy what I do, I've been doing it for many years, and it's time for me to start looking at other employment options so I can increase my responsibilty and my pay.
I ask what the Wellness Captain does. She tells me that I work to bring good health and well being into the store - Maybe have a yoga teacher come in and have a Yoga day. Maybe have something like Fresh and Fruity Friday, where I ask the store manager to buy fruit for the break room.
Of course, I am aware that on one level, they are just looking for someone to do the part. But on another level, this particular manager is good at selecting people for jobs that fit their personalities best. So it does make me feel good that they see "wellness" in me, as well as "captain." And, they say we teach what we need to learn. As I look to this new year, and realize how important it is for me to seek a more challenging and higher paying job, I am grateful that they gave me this bit of responsibility. I think it should be fun. And it's great practice for me where I have strengths and weaknesses in being in charge of something. I think it will contribute to my overall wellness as well.
Thank you for listening. Until next time.
The day before yesterday, I was doing something unimportant, when this overwhelming feeling of calm washed over me, and I thought, "Yes. I am ready to do this fast." I am. I am looking forward to giving my body 40 days to work on whatever repairs it needs to make for 40 days, looking forward to having 40 days of not worrying about what to eat for lunch, a 40 day reprieve from food spending. I think I will be able to do it. And if I can't, as I've said in previous blogs, I'll make adjustments.
In other news, the Store Manager at the Home Depot I work at called me yesterday and asked me if I'd like to be the Wellness Captain.
For those of you new to the blog, let me catch you up: I am a 5'6" tall woman who currently weighs 228 pounds. You could easily cut me in half and create two women. I work as a kitchen designer at a Home Depot, and while I enjoy what I do, I've been doing it for many years, and it's time for me to start looking at other employment options so I can increase my responsibilty and my pay.
I ask what the Wellness Captain does. She tells me that I work to bring good health and well being into the store - Maybe have a yoga teacher come in and have a Yoga day. Maybe have something like Fresh and Fruity Friday, where I ask the store manager to buy fruit for the break room.
Of course, I am aware that on one level, they are just looking for someone to do the part. But on another level, this particular manager is good at selecting people for jobs that fit their personalities best. So it does make me feel good that they see "wellness" in me, as well as "captain." And, they say we teach what we need to learn. As I look to this new year, and realize how important it is for me to seek a more challenging and higher paying job, I am grateful that they gave me this bit of responsibility. I think it should be fun. And it's great practice for me where I have strengths and weaknesses in being in charge of something. I think it will contribute to my overall wellness as well.
Thank you for listening. Until next time.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Rib Cage
Within the last 24 hours I have become hyper aware of my ribs. Also of my core muscles - or lack there of.
Yesterday at work a customer needed a sink carried to a cart. I lifted the sink easily, it was stainless steel and they are fairly light - in the box, it maybe weighed 20 or 30 pounds. As I carried it to her cart, I became aware of the muscles that were working below the layers of fat that surround them.
I've always felt that to be strong I had to have physical substance; some bulk or mass to prove I am phsyically capable. I've taken that to the extreme in my current incarnation. It was crystal clear to me yesterday that I could carry that same box if I were thin - my muscles are my muscles, and are not related to my fat stores.
Onto my rib cage.
I can't see or feel my ribs from the outside of my body as of yet - I weigh 228 pounds - but I have been feeling them lately. Like, I feel them from the inside, almost like they are pushing to get out, or wanting most of the layers of fat I have covering them now removed.
There is a spot where my bra pulls my body in, just below my breasts. This is the spot closest to being able to feel my ribs. I have been very aware of this spot, almost like it's a crack in my mountain of flesh, and the life below is trying to push it's way out.
Here's a silly add, but it's true. When I saw Avatar the other night, I was enthralled by the female lead character. She was strong and thin - her thinness was not weakness, it was being in tune with her body and her body's needs. It allowed her the most access to her strength. I realized I could be that way too. I'm just currently not. We all have our inprirations, and yes, I was inspired by an imaginary blue creature.
Prior to all of this, and maybe triggering the desires outlined in this entry, I was "caught" eating ice cream at lunch the other day by my manager.
By any other standards, nothing wrong occurred. I was at Dunkin Donuts having a single scoop Peanut Butter Chocolate waffle cone. However, to me, I felt I was binging. My manager walked past the building, and saw me inside. We did not acknowledge each other. I felt embarrassed, I felt like he saw me making out with my ice cream cone. I don't know if he thought much of it, except maybe an, "Oh, Amy - now I see why none of your weight is coming off." But I felt like I was a homeless drug addict, who had scraped up enough money for a hit of ice cream. It felt very insidious.
And one other note: yesterday I was walking in to work, and I was greeted happily by a couple of the attractive Department Heads. I note their attractiveness because I have always felt that I had to be attractive for people, but men especially, to want to talk to me. They both greeted me with Happy To See You! smiles, and each gave me a personal greeting - one was like playful gunshots at me, the other was a high five with a squeeze. I felt so ... surprised. They like me, the really like me. And I realized - there are going to be people who like me, and there are going to be people who don't, regardless of how I look. And there will be people who feel I'm in their club just because of how I look - this is true for being fat or thin. I think I'm getting enough of a sense of that to be able to decipher the difference when I do take the weight off.
On that note, I'm off to have French Toast for breakfast. Not so much helping the weight loss mission.
Oh - and here's an update on the 40 day fast that I blabbed my mouth about. Yesterday I got thinking about this again, and I'm not gonna lie, I think it's extreme and it's too much and I don't know what i was thinking thinking that a two-week fast was enough to prepare me for a 40 fucking day lenten sacrifice. So, I'm seriously asking for patience and allowance on that one. I know I can certainly do raw foods for that time period, so I again, ask for the out that if I feel my health is in jeopardy, that I can discontinue the fast but keep on a raw food diet. This is my plan. I will fast as long as I feel good, and then move onto raw foods.
Now, it's time for some French Toast. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Yesterday at work a customer needed a sink carried to a cart. I lifted the sink easily, it was stainless steel and they are fairly light - in the box, it maybe weighed 20 or 30 pounds. As I carried it to her cart, I became aware of the muscles that were working below the layers of fat that surround them.
I've always felt that to be strong I had to have physical substance; some bulk or mass to prove I am phsyically capable. I've taken that to the extreme in my current incarnation. It was crystal clear to me yesterday that I could carry that same box if I were thin - my muscles are my muscles, and are not related to my fat stores.
Onto my rib cage.
I can't see or feel my ribs from the outside of my body as of yet - I weigh 228 pounds - but I have been feeling them lately. Like, I feel them from the inside, almost like they are pushing to get out, or wanting most of the layers of fat I have covering them now removed.
There is a spot where my bra pulls my body in, just below my breasts. This is the spot closest to being able to feel my ribs. I have been very aware of this spot, almost like it's a crack in my mountain of flesh, and the life below is trying to push it's way out.
Here's a silly add, but it's true. When I saw Avatar the other night, I was enthralled by the female lead character. She was strong and thin - her thinness was not weakness, it was being in tune with her body and her body's needs. It allowed her the most access to her strength. I realized I could be that way too. I'm just currently not. We all have our inprirations, and yes, I was inspired by an imaginary blue creature.
Prior to all of this, and maybe triggering the desires outlined in this entry, I was "caught" eating ice cream at lunch the other day by my manager.
By any other standards, nothing wrong occurred. I was at Dunkin Donuts having a single scoop Peanut Butter Chocolate waffle cone. However, to me, I felt I was binging. My manager walked past the building, and saw me inside. We did not acknowledge each other. I felt embarrassed, I felt like he saw me making out with my ice cream cone. I don't know if he thought much of it, except maybe an, "Oh, Amy - now I see why none of your weight is coming off." But I felt like I was a homeless drug addict, who had scraped up enough money for a hit of ice cream. It felt very insidious.
And one other note: yesterday I was walking in to work, and I was greeted happily by a couple of the attractive Department Heads. I note their attractiveness because I have always felt that I had to be attractive for people, but men especially, to want to talk to me. They both greeted me with Happy To See You! smiles, and each gave me a personal greeting - one was like playful gunshots at me, the other was a high five with a squeeze. I felt so ... surprised. They like me, the really like me. And I realized - there are going to be people who like me, and there are going to be people who don't, regardless of how I look. And there will be people who feel I'm in their club just because of how I look - this is true for being fat or thin. I think I'm getting enough of a sense of that to be able to decipher the difference when I do take the weight off.
On that note, I'm off to have French Toast for breakfast. Not so much helping the weight loss mission.
Oh - and here's an update on the 40 day fast that I blabbed my mouth about. Yesterday I got thinking about this again, and I'm not gonna lie, I think it's extreme and it's too much and I don't know what i was thinking thinking that a two-week fast was enough to prepare me for a 40 fucking day lenten sacrifice. So, I'm seriously asking for patience and allowance on that one. I know I can certainly do raw foods for that time period, so I again, ask for the out that if I feel my health is in jeopardy, that I can discontinue the fast but keep on a raw food diet. This is my plan. I will fast as long as I feel good, and then move onto raw foods.
Now, it's time for some French Toast. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Physical Update
Hi, I haven't told you what's going on with me physically in a while.
My neck is hurting again. The pain that left so quickly, within three days of my water fast, has been creeping back in and is full blown neck pain, constant and dull, again.
I am back up to 230 pounds. This is utterly depressing. Yesterday, I was sick and coudn't keep anything down. I got back down to 226. That felt good. Then today I went and got some oranges and grapefruits to make juice. Made the juice - it was YUMMY! And ate an entire pizza over the course of the day, too. Back up to 230. NIce.
My fingers are peeling. My skin is dry. I am not drinking enough water and there seems to be nothing at this point to make me. I am either fasting or feasting no matter what i do - either fasting without water or feasting on water. No such thing as middle ground. i wonder how to balance this.
I think that's about it. There is no new growth of the left-foot fungal infection, so at least that seems to have stayed away. The toungue is white. My face breaks out regularly.
I'm physically a mess. I have some things I'd like to record on video, but I'm so bothered by how I look, that I can't imagine that happening right now.
I really really really want to shave my head. All off. I love this idea. I just wonder - mabye i can say I did it for cancer? Cheap shot, cheap lie. Be brave enough to say I just wanted to shave my head. I don't know. But I think I need to do it, and do it now.
I'm losing it. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
My neck is hurting again. The pain that left so quickly, within three days of my water fast, has been creeping back in and is full blown neck pain, constant and dull, again.
I am back up to 230 pounds. This is utterly depressing. Yesterday, I was sick and coudn't keep anything down. I got back down to 226. That felt good. Then today I went and got some oranges and grapefruits to make juice. Made the juice - it was YUMMY! And ate an entire pizza over the course of the day, too. Back up to 230. NIce.
My fingers are peeling. My skin is dry. I am not drinking enough water and there seems to be nothing at this point to make me. I am either fasting or feasting no matter what i do - either fasting without water or feasting on water. No such thing as middle ground. i wonder how to balance this.
I think that's about it. There is no new growth of the left-foot fungal infection, so at least that seems to have stayed away. The toungue is white. My face breaks out regularly.
I'm physically a mess. I have some things I'd like to record on video, but I'm so bothered by how I look, that I can't imagine that happening right now.
I really really really want to shave my head. All off. I love this idea. I just wonder - mabye i can say I did it for cancer? Cheap shot, cheap lie. Be brave enough to say I just wanted to shave my head. I don't know. But I think I need to do it, and do it now.
I'm losing it. Thanks for listening. Until next time.
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