Rib Cage

Within the last 24 hours I have become hyper aware of my ribs. Also of my core muscles - or lack there of.

Yesterday at work a customer needed a sink carried to a cart. I lifted the sink easily, it was stainless steel and they are fairly light - in the box, it maybe weighed 20 or 30 pounds. As I carried it to her cart, I became aware of the muscles that were working below the layers of fat that surround them.

I've always felt that to be strong I had to have physical substance; some bulk or mass to prove I am phsyically capable. I've taken that to the extreme in my current incarnation. It was crystal clear to me yesterday that I could carry that same box if I were thin - my muscles are my muscles, and are not related to my fat stores.

Onto my rib cage.

I can't see or feel my ribs from the outside of my body as of yet - I weigh 228 pounds - but I have been feeling them lately. Like, I feel them from the inside, almost like they are pushing to get out, or wanting most of the layers of fat I have covering them now removed.

There is a spot where my bra pulls my body in, just below my breasts. This is the spot closest to being able to feel my ribs. I have been very aware of this spot, almost like it's a crack in my mountain of flesh, and the life below is trying to push it's way out.

Here's a silly add, but it's true. When I saw Avatar the other night, I was enthralled by the female lead character. She was strong and thin - her thinness was not weakness, it was being in tune with her body and her body's needs. It allowed her the most access to her strength. I realized I could be that way too. I'm just currently not. We all have our inprirations, and yes, I was inspired by an imaginary blue creature.

Prior to all of this, and maybe triggering the desires outlined in this entry, I was "caught" eating ice cream at lunch the other day by my manager.

By any other standards, nothing wrong occurred. I was at Dunkin Donuts having a single scoop Peanut Butter Chocolate waffle cone. However, to me, I felt I was binging. My manager walked past the building, and saw me inside. We did not acknowledge each other. I felt embarrassed, I felt like he saw me making out with my ice cream cone. I don't know if he thought much of it, except maybe an, "Oh, Amy - now I see why none of your weight is coming off." But I felt like I was a homeless drug addict, who had scraped up enough money for a hit of ice cream. It felt very insidious.

And one other note: yesterday I was walking in to work, and I was greeted happily by a couple of the attractive Department Heads. I note their attractiveness because I have always felt that I had to be attractive for people, but men especially, to want to talk to me. They both greeted me with Happy To See You! smiles, and each gave me a personal greeting - one was like playful gunshots at me, the other was a high five with a squeeze. I felt so ... surprised. They like me, the really like me. And I realized - there are going to be people who like me, and there are going to be people who don't, regardless of how I look. And there will be people who feel I'm in their club just because of how I look - this is true for being fat or thin. I think I'm getting enough of a sense of that to be able to decipher the difference when I do take the weight off.

On that note, I'm off to have French Toast for breakfast. Not so much helping the weight loss mission.

Oh - and here's an update on the 40 day fast that I blabbed my mouth about. Yesterday I got thinking about this again, and I'm not gonna lie, I think it's extreme and it's too much and I don't know what i was thinking thinking that a two-week fast was enough to prepare me for a 40 fucking day lenten sacrifice. So, I'm seriously asking for patience and allowance on that one. I know I can certainly do raw foods for that time period, so I again, ask for the out that if I feel my health is in jeopardy, that I can discontinue the fast but keep on a raw food diet. This is my plan. I will fast as long as I feel good, and then move onto raw foods.

Now, it's time for some French Toast. Thanks for listening. Until next time.