The Addict

I think it's just like drinking.

I used to drink a lot back in the day. I partied and had fun and wouldn't change a lick of it.

Now, I don't party as much. I had problems with boundaries and drawing boundaries and telling boys no and having them understand me that I meant no and

Yesterday at work, some co-workers and I got talking about sex and drinking. We were regaling each other with stories of parties past, of escapades from days gone by.

As we talked, I made the comment that I use my weight as my boundary line now. They both said my weight is fine, that that wouldn't stop me from finding someone who loves me.

It struck me when they said that. Because I think it might be true; that it's not my weight keeping boys away - it's me.

The day before this, the department supervisor I have a mild crush on - actually, i should call that what it is to me - the department supervisor who I am practicing allowing intimacy with but he doesn't know it - playfully pushed into me. He t o u c h e d me.

With a smile, with playfulness, and without getting a look of horror and replusion on his face after having made contact with me.

And I'm fat!

Here's where a disclaimer is needed. The disclaimer is this - it's not that I have low self esteem. Someone with low self esteem would think they are unlovable. I believe that I am lovable; I just believe that it's only when I am in a specific weight range. Hm... ok, I'd be willing to entertain the notion that that is a form of low self esteem. Let's just say I don't act like I have low self esteem: I talk fairly easily with most people, people tell me I am easy to be around, and I laugh boisterously and fully when I laugh. I'm not a mouse. I'm more of a moderately neurotic fox.

Now for the part about how this was practicing: I smiled at him and lightly pushed back into him after he playfully pushed into me. Normally I would have not known why he did that to me, and gotten weird about it, and maybe laughed nervously and then got out of there. This time, I laughed lightly, playfully pushed back into him, and allowed the moment to happen. He laughed back. I think we even made happy eye contact. THEN I got weird and got out of there...

That's a step toward intimacy for me. You might not think so, but it was a pretty big step for me. Usually when boys do that I feel assaulted or confused. This day, I took it as a simple you-are-a-person-i-like push. No hidden anything. I lived in the moment. And it was good.

For those of you coming in late to the blog, I am currently at 230 pounds, and believe that no man would want a woman who weighs more than 130 pounds. And if a man does want a woman who weighs more than 130 pounds, then there is seriously something wrong with that man. And I, wanting to know that i am loved for me and not just for having an attractive body, want a man to fall in love with me while I weigh more ... except that if that were to happen, I'd not believe he loves me, try to figure out what's wrong with him, and it wouldn't work out anyway.

So that's part of the exploration on this blog - exploring and busting my personal beliefs. Maybe they'll resonate with some of yours. We'll co-journey together. Without every knowing each other. ... ?

The other part of this blog is about food, my relationship with it, and whether or not the "food" I am eating is actually nutrient-giving food, or - what occured to me in this last 24 hour period - just another form of booze, in another shape and consistency and in another vehicle in which to enter my bloodstream.

I've been going to Debtor's Anonymous meetings for the last week, and they reference Alcohlics Anonymous literature quite often. This week, I got angry at myself because I overdrew a couple checks - mostly because I bought food. Food that wasn't really food. Food that was really my booze. And I thought - which program do I really need - a program to stop me from messing up my money, or a program which addresses the junk I am really spending my money on - my booze food. Do I need, DA, OA or AA? Or all three?

This morning I got up, and I R E A L L Y wished I had some of this cake from Jewel that I love. This is the only cake on the planet (that I know of) that I like anymore. I had had some at Mike's two nights before. And I woke up this morning, wanting more of it. Now. BADly...

Mike came and gave me a ride to work. I asked if we could stop and get something to eat ... maybe just go to Jewel and I can get some of that cake? Mike said, No, we can just stop and get breakfast somewhere. I said, but I really want the cake. He thought I was kidding.

I wasn't. I wanted that damned cake.

I realized I was feeling crazy about it. So I stepped off, and when he suggested we stop at a pastry shop, I agreed.

They had nothing I wanted. I wanted that fucking cake. NOW. They had nothing that came close. I could have gotten a fruit cup. I just wanted that cake. So I got nothing, and accepted that I would have to wait until lunch, when I could go get some for myself. And it was gonna be a long wait til lunch.

Lunch time arrives. I immediately go to my car to drive to Jewel.

There are times when I go grocery shopping, and I feel like everyone must be able to see the homeless, scuzzoid, loser addict that I am - I dress nicely and look good with my hair fashionably styled and my make up all done, like a contributing member of society. But my feeling toward the food, and the energy I must be giving out, is that of a broke alcoholic buying their expensive, preferred bottle of booze.

It's a hit. It's a line. It's my lie.

People are just maybe starting to see that not all food is actually food. Some of it is tasty, but act like drugs in the body.

I have felt for a while that sugar may be that way in my body. But I've never had any substantial proof. Here's today's documentation:

I ate a 16-oz triple layer marble cake with layers of mouse in between. Then, I went to KFC and got a two-piece leg and thigh meal with mashed potatoes. Carbs and meat - neary a nutrient-rich fruit or vegetable in sight.

Upon eating half the cake, a mild, throbbing headache started.
After eating the chicken, I was so full I was having problems breathing.
At work, I was expecting to have more immediate reactions. However, they didn't really come until after work.
Went out to dinner, and on the way there, I could barely read the text on my phone. It was a struggle to focus on the letters. This was due to all the sugar - I've seen that repeatedly when I eat sugared foods versus when I don't. My vision goes really fuzzy. It makes me wonder how many people out there have prescriptions for glasses, and just have never known that the real culprit is that innocent looking soda they drink all day long.

Mike and I went out for dinner tonight. Pizza. Then I wanted some custard. Went and got that, and I'm still feeling the repurcusions; which is that basically, I feel drunk. I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open, which was a common side effect of the rum and colas I'd been drinking all night. I can feel my heart is racing, but I am extremely lethargic at the same time. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight. I am falling asleep as I write this.

My point is, I am ReaLLY looking forward to this fast. I think I will do well on it. Let's hope I can get through it without shaving my head bald in a dramatic "new life" ceremony.

Yesterday this revelation came to me, that my food choices are no different than a drunk's drink choices. I don't generally nutrient-giving foods. I eat junk foods.

I went a day with this thought in my head, and suddenly, the world seemed clear to me. I realized how much of the time I have spent foggy and unfocused. I went one day eating only non-breads, which turn into sugar in my system, and non-sugared foods. But that sounds depravating, so let's spin that: I spent one day eating only fresh fruits and vegetables, and only foods with all-natural ingredients.

The results? I felt great, I didn't even go "raw." I just went natural.

The scale read four pounds lighter in one night. I felt clearer and more in tune with the world around me. I got through the day applying the "just for this day" philosophy. And I got through. I felt clearer and more "me" than I have in years.

So. This is the question - How do I want to live my life? Clear and focused, with ample energy to do what I want in this life? Or, focused and crabby, wondering why I'm so tired all the time? This is the question of a lifetime. Thanks for listening. Until next time.