I Can't Do It

Hi, non-existent blog audience. It's me.

I embarked on doing a 40 day fast. I can't. I won't. I don't know why I even said I would.

I am crabby. I am angry. I am crabby because I really think that the food - nothing really bad this time, I've had a couple vegetarain burritos from Chipotle. A couple brownies. Some marshmallow cereal treats.

OK, but those are sugar-heavy meals. And I'm telling you, I think sugar makes me a stark raving angry fucking cunt. Oh. My. God. I was in a TYRRANICAL mood yesterday. I wanted to kill everyone and everything around me. Maybe it's time for my period? Because holy shit, I am taking names and wanting to come back and destroy.

I can't stand the job today. Maybe that's why I am afraid of the fast - I get in a really good mood, and everything seems OK. Like a naive little girl who doesn't know that she should be angry.

Which way is right? Is the angry way the right, smarter way? Or is the happy way the right, smarter way?

I feel generally happy and of good will when I do not eat foods with refined sugar in them. I generally get punch-drunk on the refined sugar, really happy and hyper, and then I crash and get into a bad mood.

Oh, I officially don't believe in ADD anymore. I am a grown adult, more than capable of knowing my moods, and I realized the other day that I was hyper from the sugar in my system. I think before we throw these kids on Ritalin, we need to first rid their diet of the refined sugar. Cuz that, I am quite certain, is what's causing their moods.

So, I'm still in angry mode. I don't want to fast. I'm trying to do the "Just For This Day" philosophy. But fuck that. I don't want to do it. I know I can do 14 days. Yesterday I thought, Oh, all I have to do is three back-to-back 14 day fasts. I can do that!

I DON"T WANT TO! NOBODY PUT THIS UP TO ME BUT ME, AND I'M TELLING ME NO!!!!!!

I am clearly seeing how I react to goal setting, that much is sure.

I'm just saying, when I did the fast the last time, I just kind of did it. No announcements, no big hey everybody, here I go. I just started it and then ended it. It felt right.

This does not feel right. I keep trying to get myself to do it, and I can't. I don't know. Maybe I just want to stay fat forever.

That's all I'm writing today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.