Full Up

I have not resumed fasting.

I have been eating every day.

I've also been shopping everyday.

Last night, as I was walking into my apartment building with shopping bags in tow, I had a slight feeling of dread that the doorman would make a comment. He commented once how I never walk into the building without some type of shopping bag in my hand - whether grocery, convenience store, or department store. I've always got my hands full.

Last night it occured to me that that concept translates into the other parts of my life.

I work as a kitchen designer during the day. We generally have our days "booked"; either I have an appointment for which I work my day around. Or, I have to work on preparing for a design meeting. Or wrapping up after one. I generally always have some specific task that needs to get done.

There are days, however, when I have no appointments and I do not have any prep work to do on my other appointments.

These days used to fill me with dread. The still make me uncomfortable.

Because they are open. And that leaves me to just accept what develops over the course of my work day.

I used to (no lie) call in sick on these days. Nothing planned - how could I possibly be of use? Now, I just exhale and say, "Ok. Let's see what develops."

This is just like the fasting. I have been extremely uncomfortable with the empty stomach concept for this fast.

I feel most safe when I am stuffing and filling - stuffing and filling my task list, stuffing and filling my calendar, stuffing and filling my stomach. Meditation unnerves me because I am to just open and allow? Allow ... what??? WHAT am I allowing. You're just allowing. Hm. Really. Well, you're just a fool.

This morning I got up and I attempted to meditate. Rather, I got up and allowed 30 minutes for whatever to come into my mind. I kept it as open and clear as possible. But for the most part, I kept it ... open.

Thoughts came. I had an idea for a piece of artwork I'd like to try. The details on how to make that happen became more clear. I meditated on whether or not I should accept the request to go to London with my sister this summer. I want to go so badly, but financially, this is not the best time for me. I considered my options there. I saw the cats goof off wrestling, which is always nothing if not funny.

And then it was over. No harm came to me. I was not given instructions to go blow up a building. I just calmly allowed my thoughts to rollover a couple ideas. It was rather pleasant and comfortable.

So. Can I translate that into the rest of the day? Can I allow myself to fast? I just don't want to I have such huge resistance I think it's because I said I was going to and now I'm destroying my own well-laid plans.

Well, we'll see how I do. I am not going to worry about food as much as I am going in to today with the allowance of "Open."

Thanks for listening. Until next time.