For Love of Money and Food and Money and Food and

I've been reading about addiction.

I've been talking with people who have done Alcoholics Anonymous as well as Overeaters Anonymous.

I know that sugar is my drug.

I hate saying that sugar is my drug.

Cuz for everyone else, sugar is just candy. Just harmless. Just nothing.

I'm the one with the problem. Sugar is not the problem - I am. I am the problem.

I am the one who has to break up the fun sugar party; the fun, playful, yet seriously vicious search for anything at work that's got just a little bit of the sugar in it? All I need is a little bit of it. I don't have cash for something from the vending machine. Anybody got any little sweet thing? Anybody bring anything in? Anybody willing to lend me a dollar for the vending machine?

Attending the Debtor's Anonymous meetings, it seems chic to be involved in more than one 12-Step program. For example, many people are also in Alcoholics Anonymous. Many times people will talk at Debtor's Anonymous meetings and mention that they've been in another 12-Step program for many years, but that they are new to this one. There is a joke about how credits don't transfer from one to the other. So, I pick up on a lot of the Alcohlics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous battles, too.

The thing I find intriguing about it is that we join these programs to get ourselves clear ... but then ... OOPS! There's another addiction I have to work on! I'm just busy BUsy BUSY overcoming all these addictions and shortcomings of mine! Oh, me!

I have the same thing - i think my spending and my eating are my two biggets problems. However, my realizaiton of these problems have come at a point when I have decided that I have to really focus on changing careers, creating the life I want, moving in another direction. So my question is: is the sudden realization that we need to work on our addictions a real part of the quest? Or is it creative distractions caused by a mind resistant to the changes we seek to make?

HOld on - I have to interject something here. I'm typing this blog, about eating mind you. For dinner last night I had two 6-inch Home Run Inn Tomatoe and Cheese pizzas. That was it. This morning, I had one left, and ate that for breakfast. I know this stuff is not scientifically documented, but I just had some post-nasal drip run out of my nose and touch my lip. I immediately grabbed a tissue to wipe it up - but what struck me is that I am sitting here writing about addiction as one of the side effects of the addiction showed itself to me.

Let me just give a few of the side effects of a sugar addiction.

The most subtle is the runny nose, cuz that can be blamed on many things; allergies, a cold, my cats. Second side effect from the eating, I won't placed it just on sugar; my fingers are all peeling the skin again. It's like the excess gets pushed out of my extremities; which brings in the stuff happening in my nose. My nose once again has the scab that will not go away on the top inside of my left nostril. I am often scraping off what feels like a yeast-like substance here, and sometimes, it seems to be still attached and creates bleeding and therefore, the scab. While this is gross to describe, I admittedly find it disturbingly fascinating on a physioligical level.

And finally, I'm fat. Now - it this due to the sugar? Well, I could eat just the sugar, which is fat free in and of itself. But sugar doesn't do much for me in just the sugar format. I prefer it with dairy, such as in ice cream, pizza, and this truffle mouse cake that I cannot seem to get enough of. I find I need to balance out all the sugar with some salt, so that I can eat more sugar. So, fattening, salty foods are needed to balanced out my system, for I definitely cannot just live on sugared items. It doesn't make me feel good on it's own. I need fats to balance me out.

What's the scientific need for that? It's like my body is desperately trying to balance out my addiction for me. Isn't that kind of my body? I just keep dumping and dumping and dumping on it. And it just keeps trying to do right by me. I wonder how long before my body has had enough.

And this is where the whole fasting thing comes into play. I'm not really feeding anything right now but an addiction. I might get a touch of protein from the pizza, a touch of a vegetable serving from the tomato - isn't that a fruit, anyway? But regardless, I'm not currently giving myself many nutrients. I am giving myself my addiction. Again, starving myself with fattening foods.

So, here's where I don't want to be the bad guy on this. The maker's of Home Run Inn pizza are not trying to create an evil product. They are producing a fun product. They are creating a restaurant where you can go and enjoy being served a meal and to bond with your family. The makers of the cake I'm hooked on did not intend to create a form of crack for me. They are and have intended to be a part of the celebrations and happy moments in our lives. They didn't intend to create a food that acts like a drug when it's in my system.

It's a drug in my system. I'm not saying it's a drug in everyone's system.

But then again - maybe I am?

Raw foodists claim that ANY cooked food, even fresh healthy broccolli becomes non-food, becomes a foreign entity, becomes a toxin, once it's been cooked. So, the only way for me to get the nutrients from the tomato is to eat the tomato as is. Maybe with a little salt. Actually, that sounds really yummy. But I digress.

My point is, I think I am in a lot of shame right now over the fact that I have this addiction. I mean, what bullshit is that? That I am addicted to the very thing that nurtures us. It's like saying you can't love your mother because she's bad for you. Hm. That might not be the best analogy. Or, maybe it's a perfect analogy.

This morning, I was on a phone call for Debtor's Anonymous. At the end of the meeting they have what they call Fellowship, where people kind of hang on the line and chat. At one point, a guy from out East says, "I know we can't really answer this here, but what do you suppose makes different kids from the same family choose different habits?" He went on to say that when he was just out of high school, all his friends were doing pot and heroin and you name it they did it drugs. And he says, "Drugs were being handed out like candy, and I didn't do a one of them. But then I get my first gas bill for $4, and I'm like, I'm not paying this."

That resonated with me a lot. I am the 4th of five kids in my family, and all of them -- ALL of them, are successful and make more than comfortable livings. Except me. Well, I make a comfortable living, but my spending is so out of control.

Same with my eating. All of my famly members are at healthy, relatively lean weights. I simply REFUSE to excercise, to diet, to drink enough water, to eat right. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've done them all. And gotten positive results from doing them. And then it's like once I know the results are positive, i say, OK, got to do something else, then. It's like I want to be the pioneer, but get lonely on the trail. So I go back to the areas where I know people are hanging out. And there are lots of people hanging out in addictions. There are also people who have blazed the trail that I think I've so bravely pioneered. So then I think I get sad because I realize I'm really not discovering anything new. It's just new to me.

It's such a mess. Thanks for listening. Until next time.