Depression and Dunkacinnos

I am depressed. I have been eating animal products, and I feel dark and gloomy. I don't feel I have enough energy to live this life. I am sick of having to put in all this effing effort. I want to sleep all the time because my dreams are interesting - more interesting, it seems, than my waking life.

All the fasting and healthy eating info says, "Once you go on a fast and know how great it feels, you will have a hard time going back to the foods that got you in trouble in the first place." Not me, brother. I am right back on that bucking bronco - only instead of actively working to stay on, I'm just kind of lolling around on its back, whining about how much I dislike being there.

The other day at work, I was talking with a co-worker about eating. She used to be heavier, and after doing Weight Watchers, lost probably 30 pounds and has kept it off for the last approximately five years.

I was talking about drinking the water - how I like drinking water, but to drink all the water I'm supposed to drink in a day is A LOT of water. And that it just gets boring. She laughed and said, "I know. Also, I don't feel I need to eat all that much. I just want to eat sometimes."

This resonated in me - somebody else who feels that same dilemma of knowing our bodies don't NEED all that food - it's just fun to EAT the food.

We talked about that for a little while, along with a heavier guy who works with us. I mentioned doing a water fast - I didn't say for how long I did it, just that I've been playing with it. He said that he had done a month long water fast when he was younger. I think it was his polite way to demonstrate that he's dabbled, too. I just hope to conquer mine. Talking about the experience here can only help me move forward.

However, not quite. My addiction on sugar is strong - I have been eating Milky Way candy bars and Dunkin Donuts Dunkaccinos the last few days. Both of these items are all I've been craving. I had two vegetarian Jimmy Johns subs last night for dinner. I wasn't hungry, I simply felt the need to shove myself full of food. I had a McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese meal for lunch. It was the soda I was really craving. This sugar addiction of mine is no different than being an alcoholic - the other day at work I left my wallet at home, and wanted a Milky Way candy bar so bad I wanted to kill someone for one. I asked people for change, like a crack addict on the corner. People gave me the money, but the machine was not working and I couldn't get my fix. This enfuriated me. I could not wait until work was over so I could go to the grocery store. I bought 3 King Sized Milky Way bars, and ate them over the course of the last 24 hours.

I think I am going to go back on the fast after the new year. I'd like to get back down to 211 before fasting again - this is the weight I was at when I decided to start the experiment of gaining the weight since I kept being so afraid of losing the weight. But maybe it's better to just do what i can when I can instead of being so rigid about when to start. If I go 21-28 days for this next one, I can expect to drop 30-40 pounds. Would take me down to about 189 - 178. That would be good. Then I can do another longer fast and see what happens then.

Maybe all this fasting and then shoving food into me is just another way of beating mysself and my body up. I feel a little uncomfortable reporting on it. However, I feel the need to talk about it, and I get so sick of group dynamics - all these people who think they are doing the most amazing things on earth. Isn't it clear that I am the one doing the amazing things? Ugh - I hate it when I see my own ego. I gotta go for today. Talk with you soon.