Eating Like a Crazy Person

So I spent two weeks on nothing but water. If I felt hunger, I immediately filled it with water.

Now, I am filling it with food. And filling it I am.

The thought of having an empty stomach is terrifying to me. I don't know why the obvious lesson from the fast - being that I'm probably just thristy and not hungry - isn't sticking with me, or why I am choosing to ignore it. But I am ignoring it. I'm drinking half the water I was. I'm eating instead.

Actually, I'm being a little hard on myself. I am eating about one meal a day now, which is much more filling to me than before. Yesterday I ate two meals - spaghetti for lunch, and pizza for dinner. I had salads as appetizers for both meals, but the main course was certainly the carbs.

I am justifying this by saying I am getting those cravings out of the way. I do believe this to be true. This morning I woke up, and peeled the top layer of skin off my thumb. Ah, it's not gone yet. I need to get back to no more breads to stop the feeding of that parasite inside of me.

I'm rather afraid of anything I eat these days. For one thing, all the weight I lost is just tumbling back on to me. I am up fifteen pounds. Fifteen! You say, sure, sure, you're only eating one meal a day; must be a 3,500 calorie meal. No. It's not. I think it's because I'm not drinking as much water and the food (ie, carbs) are re-toxifying me.

I start a flax seed cleanse next week. We'll see what happens with that.

I was hoping to do the following: eat/do the flax seed cleanse for this week and next, then go back to a water fast, this time doing a 21 - 28 day fast. I want to get that candida out of me, and I felt the two week helped a lot but I think four weeks could really knock it out. Then, go back to solids for 3-4 weeks, then go on a 40 day fast. This would be about the same time as easter, which I think would be spritually very cool.

But I am depressed - I have so much I feel I need to overcome in this lifetime! The way I fill myself with food is the same way I tie up my money - I am completely uncomfortable having openings in my life, for fear someone else will come and try to fill it. If I fill it, I control it. So I'm controlling it; only not the way I want. It's all interconnected, and yesterday I was filled with gloom and doom about it.

I'm not happy in my career. I'm not miserable. I'm past the point of miserable. I feel like the walking dead. What do I do next? That's the big question. It's not clear to me. Then, this eating thing. I was so excited that I was down 20 pounds. Now, I'm back up 14. WTF!!!! This depresses me as well - I can't even get my own body to work with me. My finances are not quite a train wreck, but definitely not on the track I want them on. Everything is wrong. I feel so depressed.

I was so happy on the fast. Delirious, maybe, but at least I was happy. I want to get onto raw foods again just to have that happiness consume me.

I could start exercising. Oh, here's my other depression point. I was planning on dropping all this weight via fasting, and then start strength training to build back up. Made sense to me - clear out, build up. But, that seems I'm going to have to start exercising. I don't mind exercising - I like it, actually. I'm just don't feel I have time for all this.

I no longer feel I have one career I'm focusing on. I have a day job and a career I want to build. I am sick of the day job. I want to focus on the one career. I'm sick of it. I'm full of self pity and despair of late. I want God to just wave his effing magic wand and give it to me. I've worked, I've put in the time, I've been patient. But yesterday I was helping a customer find some small item, and I got tears in my eyes because I continuously find myself on the workhorse end of the job - not the team lead end of things.

I feel like I have to put in 50 times more effort than other people around me. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? I try to stay positive, but my mood immediately goes south when I'm not eating right. I just want to walk into work today, tell them thanks but I'm gone, and never go back. When will I be able to do that with a different career waiting for me? I can't stand it anymore. I just want to focus on the life I want.