Sick of It

This morning the scale read 225. That is marginally inspiring.

Jesus Christ what have I done?

I'm sick of worrying about my weight, about what I eat, what I drink. What a whiny bitch am I. I just want to get the weight off.

As a kid, I used to day dream about having enough money to go to one of those celebrity spas, for a few months, and then emerge this thin, happy, well-adjusted person.

I think that's what I thought the fasting would do.

I ordered some intestinal flora to finish off a cleansing program I had purchased last year. I just received the package tonight - they sent me a whole new set, when all I requested was the flora. That's fine as long as I didn't get billed for it.

But I'll tell ya, when I opened that box, a whole lotta resentment hit me at the same time. Fuck all this cleansing, all this holistic bullshit. Tonight after work I went and got a half dozen chicken tenders. Remember all the preaching about not eating meat? Well, I think I eat meat when I feel angry and want to destroy something. It's like I get a slight hit from knowing that this fucking chicken, or cow, or pig, died just because I felt like eating something fried and bad for me. So go ahead and take it, chicken. Take that. Cuz I don't have the guts to really take it out on the people I am really angry with.

I'm gonna tell the truth - I threw it up afterwards. I felt so fucking gross and sick to my stomach. I can't eat much now except healthy foods. I try to put unhealthy stuff in me. But my body doesn't like it so much.

Yesterday this was the big thing I experienced. I had decided I would only eat healthy. Then I went past a coffee shop and got two pastries. I ate them both, and within two hours I had a horrible headache and felt awful. I didn't eat again until this morning, when I had some avocado and grapefruit. I looked up what nutrients this combination has - they both have cleansing properties and are good for the heart and arteries. Makes sense to me.

So part of me is glad my body is revolting against the stuff I am trying to put into it. Part of me is angry that it has to be an issue at all. I don't want to think about my weight anymore. I hear these stories about how if you give yourself the foods you think you want, eventually your body will bring itself to balance and you will naturally find your natural weight. This is what I want. It seems to be moving in that direction.

What troubles me is my strong desire to sabotage my efforts.

Yesterday with the pastries - I no more than thought to myself, yeah, I want to get the healthy stuff, I said, Oh! But I'd better make sure I'm done with cinnamon rolls, first. Same thing with the chicken tonight. Chicken gives me nasty acid reflux, and I really don't enjoy eating it. But I needed to eat some chicken tenders. I seek to destroy myself on a continual basis. How will I ever move past that?

I am teeter-tottering back and forth between eating all natural foods, and then chowing on shit. I sure hope this balances out soon.

I know I need to start that cleanse, but god I feel so resentful of it. LIke, all I wanted was the flora. The fact that a whole new kit showed up just made me feel so forced; like the gods are like, Oh, no. You need to get cleaned out in there.

I'm crabby. Standard American Diet makes me very crabby. Yet I feel so loyal to it.

I am supposed to go out with friends tonight. I feel crabby, fat and unattractive. I bought a new shirt and shoes to go out, I got new jeans last week. I'm sure if 14 of the 20 pounds I just lost haven't reappeared on me, I'd be more up for being social. Right now I just don't feel like being the heffer among the hot chicks.

Also, a guy friend of mine from high school just moved to Chicago and found me via the many social networking tools out there. I am a full fifty pounds heavier than when I graduated. I feel like a slug. I don't want to see him or anyone until I'm lighter.

This weight experiment has done me no good. I still hate myself being overweight, and I don't feel any more secure being thin. This train is wrecked. Talk with you tomorrow.