The concept for this period in between fasts is maybe not turning out like I thought it would. At first I thought I was doing this for health - I mean, I am; overall my goal is health. It just seems to me I have to go through the shit before I get to the good health.
Excuse or truth - that will be seen in about a year from now when we see how far or little I've come along.
Part of what's inspired this experiment for me is that I read in a book that to get out of eating poorly, the person has to go through eating poorly. This is to uncover the real reasons for the eating. Don't deny the donut; eat the donut. Don't deny or punish yourself - give yourself everything you think you want. Eventually, when you stop restricting yourself and just allow yourself to nourish yourself, you will realize the foods you thought were nourishing are not. You will naturally, and relatively effortlessly, find yourself winding your way down to a healthier and natural weight.
That's what I had been doing before I started the 14 day fast. And I know that my body started that fast because it couldn't take anymore of what I had been feeding it. Six months of processing Ding Dongs and pizza can be hard on a body.
Based on my experience so far, I think that philosophy of the only way out is through is true. I have gone on diets before, I have lost weight, and then gained it back. Why not try the "trust my body" route? It certainly can't be any worse than my prior attempts at weight management.
I'm a week and a half into the break I planned between fasts. I don't feel anywhere near ready to start a water fast again. Physically, I know I can do another one; if other people have done it, other people who are thinner than me were able to last 21-28 days on a water fast, then I know I have the body fat available for my body to feed on for that long as well.
It's the emotional side of starting another fast that I'm unsure of.
Because of this: Food is a comfort to me. Water is not.
Don't get me wrong, I know I need water, I know I'm not getting far without it whether I'm fasting or not. But it's not the item that I reach for when I'm feeling scared, or sad, or lonely. Oh, no, the gallon of distilled water does not do the same things for me emotionally as the gallon of ice cream does. Ok, so I've never eaten a gallon of ice cream in one sitting. I've eaten a pint of ice cream. With some brownies. Maybe some cookies. And pizza. And garlic breadsticks. Or maybe mozzerella sticks or jalepeno poppers instead. Or with. And all washed down with diet soda.
That is comfort to me.
So, it's been interesting during this little food break to see what foods I crave each day. The first few days off the fast, it was pizza and pasta. Then, it was a few days of avocado and grapefruit, diced up into a chunky salsa-esque creation, with a touch of olive oil and sea salt, scooped into my mouth via Frito Scoops. I could not get enough of those - I felt like I was cramming my intestines full of avocados and grapefruits for about three days straight. Then, the last few days, it's been sandwiches, or foods with meat - I had a hamburger the other morning, a turkey sub the other night. A gyro. Yesterday morning I had a roast beef and muenster cheese sandwich with horseradish sauce on a sesame bagel from one of my favorite bagel shops in town. I could go for another one of those today - I think I might have one for dinner. When will that craving end? And again - is this an emotional craving, or a physical craving for protein and iron? Or, is it just to get me some bread to feed the parasite inside me?
Let's explore the craving I will be feeding later today: the roast beef bagel sandwich. There is a bagel shop in town that I am specifially wanting this from. This shop was somewhere I would go to lunch at my last job, before they went out of business. I had some other creative work going on at that time as well, on the side, which I have since stopped. Am I craving that creativity, that feeling of hope and change, that seemed to infuse everything I ate then? The guys that work in the shop were always friendly - I didn't go that often, but they always knew me and would give me deals with a wink and a smile, making me feel pretty and liked. It begs the question: what part of that meal am I craving? The nutritional nourishment, or the emotional nourishment?
When I went yesterday, the guy behind the countert recognized me, I could tell, but couldn't quite place me. If I go back tonight, will he say, "Hey! You used to come in all the time! Where you been?!" Is that all I'm really craving? Guess I'll find that out.
I was at first concerned about wanting all this meat. However, all of my meat cravings have had one common thread; that is, being served with some type of bread or carb. So, is it the meat I want, or the carbohydrate that it's being served on?
I have to admit, I am very surprised at how easily my body seems to have allowed me to jump from no food, to huge sandwich portions. Know how with a baby, you feed it breast milk, then pureed vegetables, and then meat? Well, not this baby. I took my body and slammed it from 1st gear into 4th. And this amazing engine just seems to take it. I really beat the shit out of my body. I hope to temper that habit as well.
Back to the meat and bread cravings. Here's another thought on what I might be seeking in them. There's a definite ritual with sandwiches; both in how they are made and how they are eaten. I find comfort in that. Buy a restaurant burger - you know exactly what's there and in what order to find it. If you make a burger or sandwich or sub yourself, there's an order, a right and wrong way to make it. In eating it, there's also comfort. I like to start on one corner, hop over to the other corner, and then eat the middle piece that's left. Then, like a typewriter, go on to the next row. There's a pattern. When everything else is a mess, I know that when I eat that sandwich, I will know exactly how to do it in a way that makes me feel happy and in control. And when it's all gone and I lick my fingers, there's a slight sadness that it had to come to an end. Another would be ordered, if it weren't for the stomach being pushed to it's limit for fitting all that in at once.
I know what you're thinking - wow. Way to over analyze a sandwich.
Well, here's the thing: something has to be analyzed. There is something definitely off about my relationship with food. I've always secretly known that food is not just a way to provide my body nourishment. It is way more than that to me.
I've tried dismissing the pain and difficulty I've had in changing my eating habits by joking that I wish I were an alcoholic instead. At least as an alcoholic, you can stop going to bars, you can empty your liquor cabinet, you can change friends and hang out with new people who no longer drink. Not that that's easy, but to me, it seems way easier than when your love and your comfort is food. The reasons behind every food-related action and choice has to be analyzed. Because if it's not, if it's not picked apart and broken down into it's root causes, the eating will never change. The foods will keep being taken, like little self-medicating pills. Only these pills create problems that will eventually require other pills and more drastic health measures.
That is, until they are broken apart and analyzed. Freedom exists in the analyzation.
At least for me. If you can have a sandwich, or some pizza, or a cookie, and stop when you are satisfied, then you don't have the same issues I do and most likely have no need to analyze your eating the way I need to.
I look at this like this - I am sorting out which foods are the drugs, and which foods are the physical nourishment. That's what this blog is to me. I'm not out to label certain foods as good or bad. They might not be for the majority of people, and I certainly don't think that the person who created the chocolare chip cookie had malitious intentions. However, for me, at least until I get a handle on my body and my eating, I have to sort my foods into camps. I hope that I will either learn how to eat the soon-to-be-labeled "bad" foods in moderation, or get to a point where I simply do not crave them any longer. And then I will let them go as easily as a balloon floating off into the great unknown... :) We shall see.
This morning the scale read 219. Yesterday, all I ate was that roast beef bagel sandwich, some corn chips, and a grande mocha coffee. I've been a little afraid that shoving all this animal flesh into me would make the scale jump. It hasn't. I have to admit, I find that a little surprising. I have experienced, however, a rash on my legs the last few days. My inner thighs itch terribly, and there is a large dark rose colored section from my knee to my groin on each inner thigh. The skin on my legs and arms and face is extremely dry. I have a smattering of red spots on my face - I tried to pop them like zits, but they don't pop. They're strange, I don't think I've experienced this before. My face looks chalky - it does not look juicy and vibrant like it did on the water fast, or when I've done raw foods in the past. The skin around my fingers peels easily again, and that little camp that I think is candida on the pad of my left foot seems to be gaining strength. That's it for physical updates. Talk with you again soon.
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