Forgiving Dad

This probably should be posted under my money section, but in all honesty and practical application, my money habits fall under a fasting and feasting pattern, too. Yesterday was a prime example of this - and in the midst of this tumultuous day, I realized I had some forgiving to do.

I had the day off from work. Normally on a day off, and especially right after a paycheck Friday, I run errands, and buy all the stuff I need - primarily groceries, toiletries, cat food etc.

However, since I have this census job, I feel like I am supposed to do that every day as well. Which, is not far from what they want us doing. So - yesterday I get up, and I think - ok, I need to get fabric and I need to get my sewing machine fixed. Get that done, get back here, do a little census stuff, and that's really all I need to get done today. Oh, and dishes and laundry.

Well, I go to the thrift store to get fabric. It's not quite what I'm looking for. My goal was to find a matelesse comfortor to complement one I already have that I want to use to make a slip cover for my sofa. Hence, the fixing of the sewing machine as well. In my head, I'd have that all done and be back to my place by noon.

Of course, it didn't happen that way. I ended up not getting the machine back until 5:45, right before they closed. Which resulted in an odd mixture of accomplishment and wasted for the day.

I realized how passive aggressive I am when it comes to checking in with authority figures. My census crew leader assistant texted me about calling him to set up a time to meet yesterday. I didn't want to have to work on census stuff aside from the bit I had to do with my building manager on some remaining units that I needed information on. So. I never called him back.

The truth that I will tell him is that my cell phone was not holding a charge yesterday. Which was true. However, the real truth is that I didn't want to work that day, and I was afraid that if I called him, he'd make me. Reality is, he can't make me, but I feel obligated, so i tend to avoid obligations until I am ready to commit to them. It was an interesting realization.

Then - while waiting for the machine, I shopped. Here's where I had some very bittersweet results. On one hand, I went and simply took pictures of things I normally would have purchased. This I have found to be a very satisfying substitute for having to buy the item. This is probably why many places do not allow photography - when you have it in your camera phone file, mentally, you have it as well, and don't necessarily have to make the purchase.

So, I flitted in and out between responsibly not purchasing and recklessly purchasing. I think the biggest reckless purchase yesterday was a printer - which, is not that reckless because I needed one. However, it was an unplanned purchase, which made it feel reckless. But there was only one left! :) Yes, I fell for the limited quantities tactic - oh, which made me just realize that technique at my own work. Also, about shopping for products you don't know much about, but know that you need. It was a good reminder.

Anyway, I did get the census stuff that I intended to get done yesterday done; however, I never called my crew leader assistant. Passive! Aggresive! Pa-ssive Aggressive! Pas-Sive-a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e Aggressive! Pa-ssive Aggressive - Woo! (kick)

Overall, it was an undulating day - I was very much back and forth on how I felt I was doing. At one point, I was in a panic over some socks that were on sale at Wal-greens, and I thought - man, maybe I do have a type of addiction with this shopping thing.

Anyway, I also saw just how feastish and faminish my spending habits are; I was in the spendy mood because my first paycheck hit from my part-time census gig. I realized yesterday just how those was how we were on the farm growing up. Our main paycheck came every week with selling pigs which become the bacon on your cheeseburger. Then, in the fall, we'd get big checks for selling corn, soybeans and wheat. This is when the big spending would happen. All the things we'd been lacking all year got made up for with the fall bonus, if you will. And you had to hurry up and get it while the getting was good, or you didnt' get nothin'.

Yesterday I saw myself falling into this pattern, I was going to buy a pull-down spice rack cabinet insert, and i stopped myself and said, "Hold on. Let's wait on this. It's not critical today, and maybe you can trust yourself that you will allow yourself to get that if you really want it. Let's just hold off for today and see how you feel about it in a week or so, and then we can always come back and get it. Trust that you will do that for yourself."

That was a big break through for me. I realized I could come back for a purchase because I AM IN CHARGE OF THE MONEY NOW. My past behavior, I realized, I was still operating in grain-check mentality of WE HAVE TO GET EVERYTHING WE WANT RIGHT NOW WHILE THE GETTIN'S GOOD OR THE OPPORTUNITY WILL BE GONE!

Not only was I acting that way this this little bit of extra cash I'm getting, but I get that way EVERY PAYCHECK. Every paycheck, in my mind, was going to slip through my fingers without me being able to use any of it. I realized this is why I keep racking up credit card debt - to make that true.

It was a pretty heavy duty day. I shopped from 7 am to 9 p.m. that night, with aobut a two-hour break for census stuff. It was quite a day. Although I didn't do it perfectly, I felt i did pretty good. Although, the saying the path to hell is paved with good intentions did fill my mind often yesterday. But, live and learn is another good cliche too. Thanks for listening. Until next time.

OH - I never got to the title of the piece - forgiving Dad. So, part of my shopping exploits included trying to find an appropriate father's day card for my Dad.

I usually buy him a funny card, but I recently found some old cards and saw that my sister sends him very deep cards - cards that say things like, "I'm glad you're my father," and, "I appreciate the love you've given and continue to give to me," and "I love you."

Nowhere in her cards was mentioned anything about his farting prowess or nap skills. It struck me - I never send those cards, because ... I realized I don't feel that way about my dad.

I am not a person who just grabs a card and slaps it in the mail. Actually, I have done that, and I felt the difference. It felt icky. So, even when I'm not happy with someone, I try to get a card that reflects the current mood of our relationship.

The last few years have been hard for me to buy Father's Day cards for my Dad, because I quite honestly have not been happy with his behavior since my mom died five years ago. Nothing major - he just started dating a woman way faster than I was prepared for. Which also would have been OK if it had looked at all like my dad grieved the loss of my mom. I'd like to think he had, but man, I tell ya, he's been looking pretty happy since my mom died, and prior to her death, I thought they had a happy and healthy marriage of forty plus years. Maybe not.

Anyway, I decided this year I would try to find a card that fit my current feelings. But everything I picked was snarky and while it looked funny on the surface, my feelings underneath it were not loving.

I was bothered by this. I looked at the deep-sentiment cards and thought, well, the problem is, I never felt those sentiments toward him. "I always knew I could call you for love and support." Um, no. "You have always been a rock for me." Nope, not accurate. "I'm proud to say that you're my Dad." ABORT ABORT ABORT - no that's not quite right either.

I came close to buying a sarcastic card but decided to wait. But it was bothering me - why didn't I feel that way and my sister did? Did she really feel that way, or just want to? Was she doing the classic tactic of "fake it till you make it?" Should I be doing that?

As I went about the rest of my day, I continued pondering the strained status of my relationship with my dad. I felt so bitter towards him - he never had a talk with me about boys. He never told any boy I dated that I am loved dearly and need to be treated respectfully. He never held me or helped me when I was sad or upset - just a "Here's your mom" if I'd ever call home crying - and that was rare, I've really never felt I could go to my family for emotional support.

So what the hell am I going to do about this, I kept thinking. And then I thought, I mean does he even ever think of me? Does he even hope I'm doing OK? Does he ever say a prayer for me in church on Sunday?

And then that Billy Joel song, "Only the good die young" came into my head. "Oh, she never cared for me/ But does she ever say a prayer for me. Ah woah woah woah woah..."

It kept running through my head. But does she ever say a prayer for me. She never cared for me. But does she ever say a prayer for me. And then, it occured to me.

Do I ever say a prayer for my Dad? I've been angry and bitter and felt rejected and lost, but have I ever said I prayer that I hope my dad is happy? No. Nope. Noonens. I've just been mad because he's not been the dad i wanted. Well, he's not the dad I wanted anymore than I'm probably the little girl he expected to get when I was born.

And then, I felt some peace. Oh, I'm not over it, I'm not all forgiven and life is peachy. But i'm in the direction of forgiveness. Ok, in all honesty, I'm not quite there either. Let's just say what's true: the concept of forgiving my dad for being who he is instead of who I want him to be has entered my realm of consciousness. I'll keep you posted on the results of either letting it all go or talking it out with him goes.

Ok, this time I mean it. Thanks for listening. Until next time.