Lovable

This morning the scale read 236 pounds. And here's how that plays into two big revelations from yesterday:

The first one: I had to go out to one of my client's houses to check on their kitchen cabinet installation. They had some cabinet issues, and since I was the deisgner and person who sold them the cabinets, myself and the kitchen cabinet sales rep went out to inspect their now installed kitchen and bathroom cabinets. I just want to say, "cabinets," one more time. Cabinets. There. I'm done. Back to the story.

The client is a guy in his mid to late 20s. He and his girlfriend/soon-to-be-wife have just bought this condo here in downtown Chicago. They are gut remodeling it, and I think they are individually and as a couple just as cool as the place they bought. They, to me, seem to be working on this remodel really well - they both have great design taste, and are creating an A-MA-Zing downtown condo together. I love them. I love them individually and I think they are great together as a couple. I liked working with them, and I'm pretty certain that they were happy working with me. I mean, as far as I could tell; we just all seemed to get along really well and all felt excitement about their remodeling project.

So getting to the point: I'm standing outside their building with the cabinet sales rep, and out of the corner of my eye I see Jon, the client, approach. And here's the moment: When Jon got socially acceptably close enough to us to greet us on the street, he said "Hi!" And for a split second, I felt him reach out to hug me.

Physically, I felt this, I felt all the excitement and anticipation he was feeling about their project being almost completed, and I think it manifested itself into the form of an attempted hug. I am saddened to say that I am uncomfortable with hugging random people, and generally speaking, I don't feel I should be hugging my male clients; so I responded by extending my hand for him to shake. He seemed to realize in the split second that all of this took place, that maybe hugging his cabinet designer is not necessary, and pulled back himself and shook my hand outstretched hand. The moment passes, I introduced him to the cabinet rep, and we all go inside to look at the jobsite.

That was the big moment I wanted to tell you about; that feeling that he wanted to give me a hug. Now, it's totally possible that I misread his intention. However, let's just explore the possibility that he did want to hug me. Because, in that moment, in that split second that I felt he just instinctively wanted to express his happiness and excitement and release that energy, I felt something that I've been seeking to feel and understand my whole life; that is: people like people who like people. Like is love. It is natural it is instictive and it is what makes us happy and healthy and feel lucky to be alive.

I realized that am loved. I'm not loved for being a size 2 and unloved for being a size 20. I. Am. Loved. I am loved because I am lovable. I am loved just because love is our grounded, natural state. And, I am loved for the things that I can accomplish with and/or for others.

I learned, in that split second, but with a rush of all these other moments I've had when other people have physically expressed what they were feeling in the moment, that people can love other people and it doesn't split up their marriage or infringe on the love they feel for their spouse or other loved ones. That we are immensely capable of love, capable of feeling love for all the many people in our lives. Because we love. It is our condition as human beings - to give and to receive love. It's all any of us want, yet for some reason we push and push and push it away.

Whether we know it or not, everything that we do, including every purchase that we make, is about love. We are either selling love or buying love. But it's all love. Advertisers know this; it's only us as the buying public that aren't fully aware that we are choosing this or seeking this in every dollar that we spend. And when I sold them their cabinets, I sold them love for their project. And they bought love for their project. And what makes us happy is that we feel it, regardless of the dollars being exchanged.

So, in that moment, I suddenly realized I don't have to wait and be loved by Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now or even Bad Date Number 862. I am now and always am ... loved. For being who I am and doing what I do. I am loved. Because I exist. I am loved. I am loved and I am capable of giving love and I am capable of receiving love. In every moment. With every person I meet. That's it. That's all there is. That's all there is to everything.

So, I'm going to share this: there have been times in my past where I've been working with a couple, and I felt maybe a spark with a husband - or hell, even with the wife - and that spark, that feeling, I didn't know what to do with. I realize now that all that spark is is telling me that we would work well together, or that we have something to offer or learn from each other, or that I need to pay attention to something that this person or these people have to say or do. Or not; and sometimes that's part of the lesson, too, I suppose. My point is is that that spark is not a bad thing. It's just an indication from whatever Universal Conciousness that's out there, that this person/people and I have something to do together. In our current understanding, we connect attraction with sex. I'm starting to see that it's probably not sex. I mean, sure, it could be sex - but there's a lot cooler and more public things that can be created than jumping into bed with everyone that connection is felt with. Maybe we have had to go through a promiscuous phase as a society to get to the level of understanding that while sex is often like pizza; that maybe, there's more dishes to enjoy in life than pizza. There's pasta. There's cannoli. There might even be dishes out there that haven't yet been and are just waiting to be created. And maybe we are at a point in our understanding where we can, pardon the expression, stop fucking around, and maybe happily work together to create those unknown dishes. Maybe we have hit a point in our evolution where we can grasp and explore the possibility of that unknown.

So, this entry is terribly long winded, as usual. Thanks for your patience. It's feeling like a very big deal to me right now because it's finally making sense to me; maybe we are to meet people, lovingly create whatever it is we are to lovingly create with them, and then to lovingly move along. That we can hold that creation and interaction dear to our hearts, but let it go and keep ourselves open for the next creation as well. Makes sense to me.

Here's the other and final revelation I want to share. It will be much quicker, I promise. It, too, falls under the theme of lovability.

As I was leaving work yesterday, one of the supervisors did an overhead page for me. "Ann The Kitchen Designer! ann the kitchen designer. Do not get on that elevator ann. ann. kitchen designer. call 328. ann. 328. right now. ann. 328."

I thought, well, holy cow, what could be that important that I'm getting paged like that just as I'm walking out the door? I thought I knew the voice of the person doing the page, but I wasn't sure. I go over to the service desk. I call the number.

The supervisor answers. I say, "Hey. What's going on? Did you just page me?"

He answers. "Yeah. I was just playing around. You didn't have to call."

I laugh and sputter out, "You jerk!" Which was a shortened, inept attempt at Sally Feild's Oscar speech, "You like me! You REally LIKE me!"

We all express it in different ways. But it's all love. He's got a girlfriend, too, who I love and love talking to. I realize now that I needed to gain the weight, to get to 236 pounds while being 5'7" tall - which, for those of you who can't do the math that quickly, makes me quite heavy, and, in my mind, completely unattractive and unlovable - so I could find out that, in fact, I am. Regardless of my size, I am lovable, and that people like to give and receive love. To everyone who wants to give and receive it back. And, that love is pretty harmless. In the past, when I had my moments of thin-ness, and in my mind, attractiveness, I would find these guys' displays of affection as troublesome. I'd be all stressed out, worrying Do they like me? Are they hitting on me? OMG their girlfriend will hate me! And now, I get it. I bless the weight for giving me the eyes to see that we can all love everybody. All love all the time for all people. We just have to learn that it's possible, and that that's what it's all about.

It's a pretty awesome world. That's all for today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.