Two Pounds and A Rose

I've started sketching at night to express how I'm feeling about things. Last night's sketch consisted of a female runner just about reaching the finish line, her foot stretched to cross but it not quite being there yet, her hand reaching out for the finish line ribbon but not quite having a hold on it yet either.

It's how I feel. I feel I have been running a very long race, and that I am finally almost across the finish line. The finish line is the 250 pound mark on the scale.

I sincerely feel this. I feel like I am just a step away from the pinnacle of the mountain. I feel like I stopped just short of it a while ago, and couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to start down the other side of the hill. It's cuz I never reached the top of the hill in the first place.

I am truly scared about hitting 250. I feel like my body will completely shut down. I'm afraid I will go into some type of dyabetic coma. I'm afraid I'll have cardiac arrest. I'm afraid of all these things. Yet, all I can tell you, is that I must reach this goal or I will spin at this weight forever. The tip of the mountain is very clear to me now. I just have to get there so I can start the adventure that awaits on the other side.

Quick story from yesterday. So, here I am, feeling like I am this beast of a woman, just shy of 250, totally unloveable and unattractive, when one of my customers brings me a rose. He brought it because he's been not showing up to the appointments we've booked; I don't get mad that he doesn't show, I just don't know why he keeps booking appointments to work on a project he doesn't seem to want to do. Anyway, he tells me he's stopping by today, and he's got this all wrapped nicely with a piece of greenery and a ribbon to hold it together. He presents it to me. I say, "Oh, my gosh, can I hug you for this? This is so nice!" So I hug him. And right then, I got it. Or, at least a piece of it: love is this simple. And you can't not love others. This guy is married, he loves his wife. But there is something about me he loves as well. Maybe he can tell I'm hiding in my weight right now, maybe he just likes me and wanted to give me a gift. I don't know his intentions - I do know that they felt pure and simple and that somehow, there was something in me that clicked, that jogged, that felt safe in being loving and joyful with everyone.

As I went home that night, carrying my nicely wrapped rose, many people on the bus or on the street would catch sight of it, and their eyes would light up and they'd smile. Some would say, "Oh, is it your birthday?" To which I would resond, "No, it's just a random gift. Isn't that nice?" And they would smile and say, "It sure is. It's a beautiful flower." Others, who had been walking down the street with scowls on their faces, seemingly lost in thought, unwittingly brightened upon seeing that simple little coral colored rose. Still others just gave sideways glances at it, seemingly trying to look at its beauty for as long as possible without being obvious about it - almost like trying to sneak away a bit of it's enjoyment without being found out.

I found all those reactions interesting. Not only did I benefit from receiving this flower, but other people benefitted somehow, too. Just seeing that someone got a flower from someone seemed to imply that love was exchanged. Didn't matter what form of love, just that some form of love and care was given and received. And other people seemed to feel a bit of it by seeing the floral representation of that exchange. It was a pretty amazing experience. The flower garnered so many looks of joy, or brought smiles to faces that were otherwise scowls, it occured to me that maybe love really is the greatest form of protection - I felt safer walking down the street than I ever have, as if people wanted to protect that delicate flower so much that, as the carrier of the lovely thing, I was protected as well. I truly wondered if it work as well as a gun if I were in an inner-city neighborhood. Would the love be so protected there? Or would there be attmepts to destroy it? I was simply amazed at how much of a protective shield that little flower felt like.

It was an interesting and lovely experience. Thanks for listening. Until next time.