Lighter

This morning I woke up, and something just felt lighter.

I got on the scale. 239. OK... that's good, I'm down about 4 pounds. But not enough to feel as light as I do.

I feel like I'm not really of my body. I feel like I'm hovering near this body, but not as connected to it. Like I'm learning how to feel thin. I've been so connected to my personal image of being the fat girl, of feeling heavy and dense an weighed down and a drag. This feeling today is rather new.

I. Feel. Light. As. A. Feather.

It's not possible, I know, but I really do feel that someone could come by me right now and just tuck me under their arm. As I write that, I feel a change, a shift, and now I do feel heavy and burdensome. I'm flitting in and out of that now - energetically, I can make myself feel *light*! And I can make myself feel * H E A V Y * . . . Just like that.

Light doesn't feel so bad. I've always feared light. Light makes you less substantial; light makes you easy prey.

But I'm learning, as I carry all this extra weight around, I'm easier prey at heavy. The trick is, I think I'm deluding people - presenting myself as heavy in an effort to fend off attack.

It is a pretty good trick. Get ugly like rock so I blend in and don't stand out. Cuz I'm not braggin, but something about me makes me stand out when I get thin, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I am learning to navigate that.

Anyway, just wanted to share that i feel light. And happy. And terrified: I have got so much credit card debt, and I am so tired of the debt, and I am desperately afraid. I have joined Debtor's Anonymous to help me, but I've been resistant to get their help. I think I have to now. I feel like it's my only way to safety. I also think I'm going to be blending conversations about money in with this blog - because it's the same thing. I fast and feast with my money, and they all play in together. When I'm spending too much money on food, which contributes to my weight gain, and my fear about lack of resources, which then gets me eating again to comfort myself ... it's all related.

But today I feel light and happy. I hope and I can keep myself that way. I hope it impacts my physical weight and my emotional viewpoint on thinness. Anyway, that's all for today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.