Bullshit

Is it just me or do these posts get more and more depressing to read? Some would say it's just mood swings. I attribute it to diet. Self-fullfilling prophecy, or fact?

Who fucking cares.

Seriously. If I try to prove that my mood is seriously affected by my diet, anyone can counteract that. How can I prove that? Are there tests I can take - medical, scientific tests I can take to justify to everyone that the food is the root cause? That there is no real need for anti-depressants; just a need to clean up our eating and to express ourselves clearly?

Is this what I am out to do with this blog? Prove a point? Be named smartest, most daring eater of all the land? Change the eating and pill-taking habits of the world?

Sigh. I can't do all that. Nobody will change until they need to.

Today I saw a sign: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." It hit me - I'm running around trying to be a fucking teacher. I am shouting at the horses, "Hey! The water! It's HERE! Come over HERE! Drink up drink up!" And all the students and all the horses are going go fuck yourself.

So, maybe I can just share what I am experiencing. Let's see ...

I am back up to 225. I am eating nothing but yeast and sugar based products. This is exactly how I was eating before the fast. My nose is red and hurts in the front corners from my little candida camps. My nose is constantly dripping. This morning I was wiping my drippy nose on my hand, and I got this flash of how I never understood how cocaine addicts found the side effect of a dripping nose worth the high of the drug. It became clear that I was at the same point. My side effects were evident. But my drugs are legal. Ain't no cop busting me for donut possesion and a gram of sugar.

I feel crabby and hopeless all at once. Whispy and whiny. Oh woe is me! I hate even writing this fucking blog right now, because it's all whiny and complainy.

Today I was talking with a co-worker, and I noticed how much I LOVE bitching. Bitching about how unloved I am by my family.

It is two days before christmas, and the term "As you sow so shall you reap" is running through my head. The only Christmas card I've received is from a co-worker. She's only known me for the last few months. I didn't send her one. I didn't send any to my family. They didn't send me any. I didn't send any to my friends. They didn't send me any.

I've sown, so I have reaped.

But this isn't to cry about that. However, I do feel that I isolate myself very easily. I guess this blog is isolating as well. But I don't feel I can talk with them about my changes. I don't know that I want to. Maybe it's just me, but I want new friends - friends that are caring and loving and non-judgemental.

I don't think it's my friends that are the uncaring and unloving and judgemental ones. I think I am projecting that on to them. I think they've just given up trying to get a caring and loving and non-judgemental response from me.

I think about Scrooge, and how he immediately became happy. Um, I don't think so. I think it's a gradual change. Or, does it have to be? As it says in "Ask and You Shall Receive", 'don't slow down to steer around the trees. Remove the trees.

I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I have so many personality traits and things that need to be changed to become an effective person.

Maybe I don't need to be effective. Maybe I need to just let go and do the best I can in each and every moment that presents itself. I was reading up on Karma yesterday. A lot of things were hitting home with me on that. I am not always kind. I am often times lazy and will gladly put off until tomorrow what I could do today. Why? To slow down my course around the trees, that's why. I want to move slower than the universe seems to want me to move at. It is my attempt that controlling the universe. Maybe it's time to pull out some trees. I think it must be.