Bitches and (gyr)Hos

Yesterday I worked and last night I went to a friend's birthday party.

I don't know, maybe I am just an uptight bitch. I used to be so fun - I'd drink a bunch of Captain and Diet Cokes, get shitty drunk and get silly and loose. Now that I'm trying to operate in this world without the booze, I feel self conscious and stupid.

I got to the party later into the evening, so by this point everyone was feeling the effects of the wine and liquor they had been drinking prior to me getting there. My friends were feeling it and the birthday girl demanded we get a little dance party going on.

At first I avoided dancing with them. It was hard for me to let loose and shake it up. Again - the weight self consciousness. Then, I got called out and told to get in there, and I decided that person was right. So I tried to dance.

I used to get annoyed at fat people who would shake it like everybody in the room wants to fuck them - now, I admire them. I couldn't even let loose with the people I feel close with. Which, isn't SO out of line - friends can be known for making fun of and bringing up the things which cut the closest to our hearts.

But I'm looking at my friend's bodies; they are all thinner than me, but none of them are model thin. Two of them were size 10? Maybe 12s but I don't think so, and two were size 6s, possibly 8s? The interesting thing here is the 6/8s were used to being size 0s and 2s. So in their minds, me thinking they could be an 8 is a complete insult that I would dare not speak to them. The 10/12s - god, I am having a hard time writing their size as such, like I'm completely outing them in public. They are probably size 10s. Anyway, one of them is a little heavier than she used to be, and one looks thinner by about a size.

I am having a HORRIBLE time calling them size 12s. Even size 10s. What do I know about sizes - maybe they are size 8s for all I know. And why is this making me so angry? That people can look at other people and judge their size? That I'm afraid people have done this and do this with me? That I'll be found out to be the heffer I am?

Anyway. They are dancing. And as I size up their bodies, I see how attractive they are. Oh, I'm having judgements fly internally - I'm slightly eating it up that the tinier one is now "tanking" as a size 6 or 8, and I am laughing to myself because she would NEVER admit that she's gained an ounce, yet there it is, clearly on her. The other size 6 seems to be comfortable in her body - a feat that I would have never thought possible of her - and I saw how lovely she looked as a result. The size 10s are dancing, too. They both are a little more pulled in, a little more refined in their moves - personality playes a little bit, here. But the level of dancing seemed to change with height and dress size.

Is that how it works? Do short, little women always feel they can pull the cutsie? Do taller, filled-out women feel more comfortable in sexy - actually, goofy, playful sexy - manner? Who knows.

They danced and I tried to opt out, but they insisted and I joined. It was so strange - I have danced thinner, and I get down and dirty when I know the body looks good for the show. Do I keep the weight on to keep me from exposing that side of me? Do I need to let that side out? Guess we'll find that out. All I know is that I started playing dj, and I felt so much more comfortable playing the music to keep the party going than being part of the party people.

I left at midnight, since I have to work today, too. That's when I went over to Mike's. Called him on my way over, and asked him if he wanted to order some food. I had only had a bagel, some chips, a candy bar and some fruit that day - so, all sugar and nothing of substance. He said that was fine.

This was interesting - he said I could come over, I told him I'd like to order food, that I'd go get food on my own but I left my wallet at home, which was true, and I asked him if he could look for a place that delivers gyros and order some while I drove over to his house. This made him realy angry - like I was obviously using him AND delegating to him, and I'm not to do both. This was especially interesting to me, because the party I just left was built on these blocks. But I digress - it took Mike the whole 25 minute drive to find a place gyro place within the City of Chicago that delieverd at 1 am on a Saturday. I didn't think this would be such a challenging feat. For some reason, Mike was in total drama about it. Like, he knew he was being used for a gyro.

I get to his house, we get a movie off the On Demand movies, and wait for the food to arrive. He didn't order any, so we had one solitary gyro deliver to me. It was extremely clear how food and money based our relationship is.

He was all pissy. And the fact of the matter is, he had reason to be. I was using him for a gyro. The only reason I called him and went to his house was to get food cuz I left my wallet at home. I was on the up and up about it, but it doesn't change how it feels. We put a movie on and pretend to be in relationship with each other, but the fact of the matter is, I just wanted the gyro. He knew it and I knew it.

On the drive to his house, I got thinking about why I wanted a gyro so badly. It was a specific, demanding craving; Mike would have had an easier time ordering pizza, but pizza would not do last night. It was gyro I wanted and it would be gyro I got. I think that made him mad, too, that he had to hunt around for my craving because I was driving and because I forgot my wallet.

So I'm thinking what about gyros what about gyros and I realized that it reminds me of Madison, Wisconsin. Different places have different bar-time food; my college years was subs. My post-college years was Mexican. My Arizona years was breakfast. Gyros was during my college years when we would visit our friends who went to UW Madison. This was the only place where gyros was the hot bar time experience.

What do gyros really represent to me? I think I was craving them because I remember feeling very vulnerable going out in Madison. The people we visited weren't my direct friends, so I felt very self-conscious and out-of-place. Currenlty, I am trying to be more myself when I am out now - for example, I want to be more honest in how I react to things. Lots of times people will say something completely off color or be just totally dramatic about something someone else said or did, and sit there and try to convince you why you should be mad to. I am so sick of being pulled into that. What I generally want to say in those situations is: you're the one who's being the dipshit. Kwitcherbitchin and move on. But I generally bite my tongue.

Last night, one of the party-girl's neighbors was there bitching about how their condo board president tried passing a condo rule that no felons be allowed on the property. Whether this is legal or not, I don't know, and I really don't care, but he and the party girl were all offended because they both have siblings who have felonies.

Hey - I just realized I am bitching and trying to get you to see it my way. See? Look at that - just like them. Well, I guess here goes. Whether you see it my way or not, I got to a point where I couldn't take any more of him and her going on and on about this, always presenting it how the condo board president created this ordinance against their brothers. Finally, I ask, "Did your condo board president know that your brothers had felonies against them?" Both of them said no. I said, "I think he probably thougth it was quite reasonable to create a by-law that kept a criminal element out of the condo, for everyone's safety. I don't think he did it to act against your brothers." Again, I don't know if it's right or wrong to do this with housing. I know they do it with jobs, so why now housing? I don't know.

My point is, they were spinning in the drama and LOVING it. I was a complete buzz kill. I just couldn't take it any fucking more. They know better. I can understand them feeling hurt that their family is being assumed to be more dangerous than they are, but don't sit there and present this guys lack of knowledge and fears as some great asshole conspiracy.

There, that was my own little drama spin. Back to the gyro. I think I felt I was being myself with them, even showing a side of myself they might not like - the antagonistic side, which I normally push way down. For some reason, that rawness reminded me of Madison. As I analyzed my craving on the way to Mike's, nothing anyone could have said or done would have stopped me from comforting myself with that gyro.

Cuz that's exactly what that gyro was to me - comfort. I said something that maybe threatened my likability in the group, and I was scared out of my ever loving mind. And like a teddy bear, that gyro was the only thing to bring me off the ledge.

When I got to Mike's, I told him about the drama about the felony charges. Mike was in his own drams about being used for a gyro. So he interupted my rant, saying, "I don't think it's legal for the condo to do that," and went back to watching the TV.

I looked at him for a moment. He did not look back at me. I felt totally hurt by this sharp retort. As well as him being mad about this fucking gyro. Don't want to order the gyro? Then tell me no and I'll just go home and get out of your hair. His body language was clearly expressing that he was not interested in hearing anything more.

I took that in. I was in drama about their being in drama. The problem was, I felt no comfort in his retort. I shut my mouth, I turned to the tv as well, and I wondered how I will ever be able to express myself cleanly and honestly with people, and have them express cleanly and honestly back with me. I've tried to go into conversation with Mike about this - he just gets annoyed. I waited for my gyro. I shoved as much of it into me as I could when it finally arrived. It was clear to me what comfort I sought in that little lamb.

I lay down on the couch to watch the rest of the movie we had put in, my stomach now full in an attempt to shove these strange feelings I was experiencing down and away. The gyro didn't help. Maybe next time I can push through it without the gyro. Actually, I'm pretty sure I will be able to. Maybe I do need overeaters anonymous or some other group of people who do give a fuck about living on the up and up with the world. All I know is that last night I felt very scared and raw and sad, and yet more myself, than I have felt around people in a long time. It's getting worse and better all at once. I really feel this decade, these twenty-teen years, are going to be very interesting years of growth. It's like I'm a teenager again, too, just learning to navigate. How lucky that I was born when I was born - otherwise, I would just think, oh, hell; I'm getting older and that's all there is to it. There's a new energy I'm feeling with this decade and I like it a lot. Thanks for listening. Until next time.