A Quick Note: I'm Scared

I just got done taking a bath, followed by showering off the bubble bath residue and getting ready for the day.

While I was taking the bath, I was thinking about my weight, my weight loss, my progress over the years, and my lack thereof.

I got thinking about the fast that I have coming up, starting February 17.

And the fact that I set a goal.

And I told people about it.

And whether or not I can really make that happen.

While I like the concept of goal setting, my reality is that I do not always follow through. I'll get into it, change course, and toss the original goal out the window. Or, just like my family did with Lent growing up, we do proper lip service to saying "Ok, I'm going to give _______ up for Lent." The priest approves, but doesn't really follow up. Or he does, and you say, "Sure, I'm doing it." Never did it. Never have I ever completed a Lenten sacrifice.

Now this year I'm going to? I mean - fuck! That's 40 fucking days! 40! Forty days is a long goddamned time! That's OVER A MONTH, for those of you on the metric system! I mean, yes; I accomplished the two week fast with no problems, but what if I have heart failure? What if my organs start eating themselves due to lack of outside nurtrion sources? What if I have complete body shut down? I'm being partly facetious, but there's true concern in there too. What about that? What will I do then?

I do not want to tell my doctor I am wanting to do a fast. First of all, I think she won't approve. She'd probably tell me, "That's a little drastic, don't you think? Why don't you just cut some calories and increase your exercise. That would get you similar results and not be so extreme."

Which ... sounds like sound advice to me.

So, non-existent Blog audience - what should I do? Should I do the fast as originally planned, taking in only water? If I do do it that way, I will be doing sun gazing as a part of the fast, to see how that nutritionally, or if it nutritionally, helps me.

The other option: I have a fasting kit, with herbal supplements for nutrients and ground flax seed for cleansing. I have been flitting in and out of using them. I could do that for the forty days.

Or, maybe I add in a cheat - when I was growing up, we got Sundays "off" from our Lenten sacrifice. We'd already have given up our sacrifice by about half way through - this just allowed us to eat the candy or whatever it was in front of other people, instead of having to hide it. Keep in mind, my other siblings may have actually done their Lenten duties without shirking. I just know that I didn't ever complete a Lenten promise - I started off strong and excited, and then it just kind of fizzled. I think probably because I *didn't* have anyone following up with me. There was no interaction. What's the fun of that?

Maybe blogging about it will be the follow up and interaction that helps me succeed this year. But, to finish the thought - what if I add in a "cheat" day, like Sunday, where I drink some vegetable juices. Or maybe have soup. I'm not thinking I need to do a steak dinner, but something that would add in some nutrients for me.

Hm. As I think about it, I think I'm going to want to do the water fast. It was just plain so easy. Let's do this, non-existent audience - let's say I will do the water fast as long as it's proving to be improving my health. I would like the out - if my energy gets low, or I pass out, or my organs start eating themselves, I would like the option to end the water fast and revert to my previous eating habits - junk food and sugar.

Last thought and then I'm done for the day - all the talk about calories and nutrients and giving your body the calories it needs to function ... I'm not kidding when I say I'm pretty much starving my body already for nutrients. I don't make sure I eat iron each day, whether is spinach or a steak, I'm not purposefully putting that into me. Vitamin B12, not sure where I get that from. Vitamin C - it's been weeks since I've had an orange. So from a nutritional stand point, I'm already on a fast - only this fast is the opposite extreme, where I'm shoving and shoving and shoving myself full of calories without being clear on whether or not they are helping me physically or not. It's kind of like buying a ton of cheap, crappy shoes on clearance, just to make sure you've got plenty of shoes; or, going through and carefully selecting maybe one or two really g o o d q u a l i t y shoes that will last longer and you'll feel better about. But it's so hard to give up all those shoes, you know? Even when you know the other shoes are so much better?

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out because it's going to bother me all day until I post again tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening. Until next time.