Yesterday I worked from noon to nine. I had a wonderfully efficiant time before noon, an adventuure after 9, s a revelation or two in between. I'm going to break them into each part.
11:00 am Discovery:
Before going in to work, I had my cable installed, which I talked briefly about in yesterday's blog. However, in anticipation of the cable guy coming, I cleaned my apartment.
This is standard operating procedure for me; keep my house not dirty, but messy, most of the time, and then clean like a madwoman for anyone who comes over - from the cable guy to guests.
The Background:
This is how it was growing up - we never kept the house clean just for ourselves. For ourselves it was messy and stuff just got left where you left it. Primarily this was because there was no where to put the stuff. Our house was about 1400 square feet; not bad. But with five kids and my mom and dad ... I know Mom did her best, but there were basic things lacking. We had no where to put our coats. They got piled on a chair in the dining room when we got home at night. We didn't have good places to put our toys - some cheap bookcases in our rooms could have helped alleviate that problem, but money never went there.
My bedroom was the size of a closet - it was 8'x9', and as a kid I was constantly drawing up floor plans and rearranging the bed, dresser, and stool I was given to try to free up and use the space better. I would find storage solutions in my mom's Better Homes and Gardens magazines, but they'd never get installed. I was always given a dismissive, "OH, yes. That would be a good idea..." Only to never have it happen.
(Heavy, dramatic, unloved) SIGH....
Again, how does it relate to my eating? It all relates to my eating, kids.
It relates because after the cable guy left yesterday, I sat in my newly cabled, newly cleaned apartment ... and if felt so nice. Everything was put away, the space felt clear and expansive - just as I'd like my mind to feel every day of my life. I thought to myself, how do I even let it get so sloppy? To counteract that feeling of frustration I had as a kid of just not having a place to put things, I make sure I have my living space organized so that whatever it is I have, I have a dedicated space for it.
The problem is, I flit in and out of keeping it organized. I'll be "good" for a while, and then I'll just say, oh fuck it, nobody sees my apartment anyway, and I start leaving shit all around. Then it's a mess, and I have to do a big huge elaborate day of cleaning to bring it back. For five minutes, I think, oh, I sure like this. And then I start destroying it again.
I just realized this is because that's how it would go growing up - I'd clean on an afternoon when my parents would go on a Sunday drive, with my siblings gone, and after it was all clean and sparkling, I would sit and admire it, and then ten minutes later, someone would come home, drop their shit right where they entered, and it was destroyed.
Apparently now that I'm not living with my family, I am playing both cleaner and destroyer in my own life. Really? I bet psychologically it's true - it was what I was used to growing up ... only five minutes of a clean house. I have tried to keep things neat and tidy; I'm not going to lie, after a few days, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, for someone to come in and destroy it. Man, the human mind is crazy. Well, at least mine is. So I seek to destroy - I do this with any goals I set. Now I see why. Ok. So! Adventure One completed! Now on to Adventure Two!
7:20 am:
My apartment is clean, I am showered, and the cable guy is due to arrive sometime between 8 and 11. There are things I could organize, but I decide maybe I should give myself a little something for breakfast.
I make myself some tea. I have been thinking of getting a nice tea kettle, like a LeCruset, for a while. These are $60 items, and while I will eaily drop $10-$15 on a lunch, two times a day five days a week, taking the money and putting it towards a tea kettle is "foolish" in my mind. OK, ok, I know, that thought is foolish - keep in mind, I'm using this blog to bring these useless thought patterns to light, so I stop the behavior!
I boil the water in a small pan, and I feel so ghetto. I pour the hot water into one of the three cute tea pots I have, (for steeping the tea, not for boiling the water), take this over with one of the cute tea cups I have, and relax for a bit.
I realize how nice it is to operate like this. Most mornings I lay in bed for as long as possible, and then at the v e r y last possible minute I get up, race around the apartment to get ready, rush out the door, and grab something to eat on the way in to work.
Yesterday morning, as I sat in my nice clean apartment, nicely enjoying my nice breakfast of tea, I realized how little I nourish myself. Oh, I stuff myself full of food. But I never take time to just nourish myself. Which leads us to:
11:30 p.m (noon)
Cable guy just left, and I have an hour before I have to be to work.
The thought about nourishing myself is trickling around in my head. Kind of needling me, it's pressing on my mind. Nourishing myself. My god. I never take time to nourish myself.
I'm about to head in to work, and I think - ok, let's leave early, stop at a sub shop, and have a sub. Meat or veggie, I don't care, but let's Stop. Choose. Nourish. And then go into work.
Well, I had to take some things down into my car, which was three blocks away, so by the time I got loaded up and down there, it was noon. I had wanted to eat at the sandwich shop, but I did not allow enough time - even when trying to break the habit, I cannot break the habit.
I order my nourishing lunch to go. Funny, when it came time to choose how I wanted to nourish myself, I choose veggie. I get to work, punch in, and then remain in the break room and savoringly enjoy my sandwich and chips. I tried to call my co-worker and let her know I was there, just eating a little something before getting on the sales floor, but she didn't answer. So I sat down, and gave myself some nourishment. It took me 20 minutes to lovingly eat that sandwich. It was the first time I realized how much time, and how little time, it takes to make myself feel tended to.
4:00 p.m.
It's now my official lunch break at work. I'm not particularly hungry, but nourishment is the theme of the day, and I wonder - does food always have to be a part of nourishing myself? It's the only way I know how to, currently. But I'm not particularly hungry now. Well, maybe I'll get a little something. We'll see.
I need to run an errand at lunch. I have one hour. The errand is in a little shopping strop, which happenes to have a Panera in it. Perfect! I think - I'd like some soup to nourish me on my lunch break. Maybe a brownie and a blondie, too. I'm going to feed myself with love today - whether it's an addiction or actual nutrition, I'm not judging today. I'm just going to make myself feel loved and nourished.
As I pull into the strip mall, there is a hip little furniture and accessories shop right next to the Panera. I love this shop, never can afford to buy anything from it, but the few times that I need to come to this shopping strip, I like to check out this store.
I look at my clock. 45 minutes left before I have to be back at the store. Can I really afford the time to meander throught this shop? Well, I think, the errand isn't critical - I can always run it later. I want to nourish myself, first and foremost on this break. And browsing this shop is majorly nourishing.
I walk through it, and it just makes me so happy. They have the funnest stuff. I take my time, allowing myself to enjoy each piece.
I make a lap, and look at my watch as I walk out the door. Five minutes. That's all it took. Five minutes. I feel so happy, and nourished! I didn't even buy anything. I just allowed myself the luxury to look at luxury. It was great!
I walk into Panera, and order my soup, my brownie, my blondie, and a mocha - to go. I need to get this errand done, and as I look at the options of what's going to make me feel more nourished - sitting here eating this lunch, or accomplishing the goal of getting the errand run, I realize getting the errand run is more nourishing. I don't want to eat in my car any longer, but the reality is with this time crunch, and since I'm really not that hungry, taking it to go and eating on the run is a concession I'm willing to make. Hey. I'm not perfect. It's better than I normally do - normally, I would have said fuck the errand. I want something to eat!
9:45 p.m.
My shift is over. My work day is done. I decide I am not going to drive my car home that night, I will take public transit instead. I get outside, it's a relatively nice evening for a January night in Chicago.
My phone rings. It's Mike. His blood pressure dropped significantly after his workout last night, and they took him to the hospital. He needs me to go to the gym, get his wallet and phone, because they hauled him away without any of that.
At first, I think - hey, kinda a fun adventure here! So, I say, sure, I change my course and hop on a southbound bus instead of a northbound bus to get his stuff.
This is adventure turns out to be a pretty interesting part of my study in nourishment, actually. Because there were little parts that needed to get done, and each part led to another part. Part one: get to his gym. Part two: ask one of the trainers to go into the locker room and get his stuff. Part three: get his phone out of his car: Part four: get to the hospital. Part five: visit him for a while. Part six: Get home.
This adventure was a great microcosim of a typical day for me. I often feel like I have all these things that other people are asking me to do. One after another after another. And it's retail - so the customer's don't give a shit that your brother's in the hospital or your mom just died - they just want their new fucking toilet seat, and they want it now. Capish?
So, in getting Mike's stuff. I get one task done, and immediately, there's another. Fuck, it's just like life. There's no breaks. There's no stopping. Just one thing and another thing and another thing...
After I got to the gym, got the guy to get his stuff, figured out how to carry his sweats and glasses without a bag, went to a computer to figure out if I should cab it or take a bus down to the hospital, called Mike if he could please find out which building I should go to in the three-block hospital complex, only to have Mike say, "I don't know just tell them I'm in room m12", go up to his car to find his phone, not finding his phone, realizing his phone was in his pocket, trying to decide if I should take his car out of the parking garage or leave it for him to pick up after he's released tomorrow, deciding it will be easier for me to navigate the hospital complex via cab and no parking, carrying his slippery pants and jacket, remembering I have a green bag in my purse and putting his stuff in there and then having to find a bus or a cab to endeavor into this huge hospital complex
I decided I needed to nourish myself before I got there. Or I would be very bitter and angry.
What was my favorite nourishment food growing up? Hamburger, french fries, and a chocolate shake.
I walk over to the McDonald's across the street, and order up. I eat slowly. I am nourishing me. I will get back to tending to Mike's needs. But right now, I am taking care of me.
The burger was dry. And as I ate, I took one sip of the shake and decided I didn't really want it. I ate the burger, not really enjoying it. I realized that what eating does for me is that it gives me a reason to stop for about 20 minutes and just be with myself. That's always about how long the eating takes - 20 minutes. Sometimes 40 minutes to an hour, but the goal is always the same - to have that time with myself.
Maybe I can start playing with just giving that time to myself, sans the food. I mean, if I truly need the food, to give myself the food. But to know when I just need some time to myself, and when I need to feed me. It's a big difference, one that I'm not currently fluently aware of.
I get done eating and start walking for a bus. Mike had called by this point - it took me 20 minutes to eat, and we had last talked 20 minutes ago, when I told him I was going to find a bus or get in a cab. He was fine with it - it wasn't critical what time I got there. I did not tell him I stopped and ate - I guess i had shame around taking time for myself in the middle of getting him his stuff. I felt so much happier about helping him knowing that I had tended to me during it, too. It was a big learn.
Thanks for listening. Until next time.
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