Hiding Out with Mike, and a Late-Game Epiphany

Time to clear a few things up.

My friend Mick's real name is Mike. It is important for me to disclose that because I have been doing a lot of hiding-out eating with him; and if I hide out behind a fake name, it seems to just keep me hiding. The purpose of this blog is to get at the truth.

One of the reason's I like hanging out with Mike is that is he generally up for anything. My friends are not, it seems, into the same things I am. Eight a.m. exploration of a church? Mike will go. Four a.m. meteor shower? MIke will get up. Midnight movie? Mike will be up for it.

So there's a lot of positive things that happen hanging out with Mike. He is an analyzer of data, so I run numbers past him a lot. He loves technology and helps me keep my computers running well. He is generally pleasant. He rarely gets angry; in fact, I would say he's stoic to a fault. He considers this his greatest strength. His knee-jerk reaction tends to be, "Ok." At moments when I am furious, Mike is cool under pressure.

I feel safety with him - he's helped me out of more than one financial bind. He likes to do nice things for me. I've joked with him that he is the Daddy I never had growing up. There is a big element of Daddy taking care of his Little Girl in our friendship. I'm not sure if I play Mommy to him - our relationship seems to revolve around him making me feel happy. I will try to reciprocate, but in all honesty, it seems the relationship is niney per cent about me and ten per cent about him. No, that's not true; it's ninety-five per cent about me and five per cent about him.

I bring this all up because I can call him up and say, "Let's go out for pizza tonight." His reaction? "Ok." And he buys. Anything that we do together, he buys. So our arrangement is this: I do the social planning, which he enjoys and can go back to work and share the adventure with his co-workers; and he buys.

He likes paying for me because I am generally grateful, and I don't run too wild. I'll ask if we can, and he generally tries to accomodate. Sometimes I will say let's go out to eat, and he'll say no. But he doesn't do no well, so his no will be, "No, I don't want to eat. But if you want to come over here we can order in." So I'll go over there and we'll order in. Or we'll go to the store. So, he tries to accomodate, and I can bend my needs.

While this sounds very nice and sweet, the truth is that this is where the addiction comes in. This is where I may have to look at the crack whore sided of myself.

I get angry with him a lot. I get angry, because on paper, he is The Perfect Guy. If you looked him up in the dictionary, his picture would be posted next to the definition of "Ideal Husband." I get angry a lot simply because we'll be out together, and either he'll say something or I'll have said something that he doesn't get, and I remember the reason we are "just friends" and not dating.

I realize that I'm not really sure I like him. But I do like his money, his genorosity with it, and the peace of mind it gives me.

He and I dated years ago. We were set up by a mutual friend, and early in I knew I did not have romantic feelings for him. But he kept pushing the issue, kept wanting to go out with me. And he would buy, not only for me, but my friends, too. How could I not accept his generosity? And on this our relationship was built. I kept saying no. He kept saying, "I'll buy." I kept saying, "Well, OK then."

Before we get too worried about Mike and all these nice things he does for me, we need to remember that he gets something out of it, too. He gets to be the Benefactor, the Provider, the Big Man with the Big Checkbook. I play little financial idiot girl. He gets to be a fiscal czar.

We were both getting out of relationships when we met back in 2000. He was divorcing a woman who had run wild with his money and then left him for a shoe salesman. I was running away from a marriage proposal to a guy who vacilated between putting me on a pedestal and tearing me down from that same position. I think we've spent the last decade with each other healing our respective wounds.

However, I think this the year we have to let that part of our relationship go.

We have had conversations about what each of us gets out of hanging out with each other. He knows I get fiscal security; something I truly never had growing up or with the last guy I dated. I know that he gets a social planner and someone who can generally support herself but he can sweep in and rescue occasionally with some financial aid.

We each have started working on our own selves. Maybe we needed each other for this period of time - I think I needed to know that someone would be willing to provide for me. I think he needed to know that someone would be willing to not take advantage of him.

I know that if I found someone I wanted to date, I would present that to Mike and talk it over with him. If Mike found someone he wanted to date, I am pretty certain he would feel the need to do the same. We would have to break up again, if you will.

But our days of being able to hide out with each other are numbered; I can feel it, and I see it in Mike as well. He is less patient with my fiscal capriciousness that he used to be. It's getting old to me, too. I'd like to be friends with him on a level of equality, not out of obligation to some long-standing, dysfunctional system we set up with each other.

So, hiding out. With Mike, I can order food and eat as much of it as I want without him shaming me. I used to hide my binges from the world, but somewhere along the way I started feeling that I could do my binges with him.

Last night I called him and asked him if he wanted to go out to eat. He said no; simply because he didn't want to. I asked him if I could pick up some pizza and come over. He said sure.

The way last night played out is a perfect example of hiding out with him. I went and got the pizza (accomodating his "no"). I paid for it (marginal fiscal integrity here, except that I could tell him that I need money to cover it, and he would give it to me. I haven't asked him to do that. Yet.) I stop and get some soda and dessert (read, sugar, sugar and more sugar - feed that addiction!). I go over to his house; and as I was driving over to his house, I got pondering why I was doing that part of it at all.

Seriously - I used to do my binges in complete secrecy. I would order in, avoiding eye contact with the delivery driver, grabbing the food and embarking on a ritual of stuffing myself and then passing out in a carb coma.

However, in recent years, that ritual of eating alone hasn't appealed to me. Last night, I could have very easily gone home, eaten the pizza at home with my cats, and passed out in my own bed. Instead, I went to Mike's, at half the pizza and 3/4 of the moderate sized dessert I bought, watched a movie with him, and then passed out on his couch. I writing this entry from his computer right now. I have not gone home yet.

It's been bugging me since last night. Why didn't I just go home? Why did I have to go to Mike's? I didn't have to involve him in that at all last night.

I'm not kidding you it just hit me as I was writing that: I DIDN'T GO HOME BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE. IT WASN'T REALLY THE FOOD I WAS CRAVING! I WAS CRAVING HUMAN CONTACT! COMPANIONSHIP! COMRADARIE!

This is what this blog is all about! Peeling back the layers of the onion of my bad habits to get to the stinky core of it all! And here's the core: it goes back to my family's interactions, and how everything social happened around a meal! Sunday morning, a nice big breakfast, and RELAXATION AND FUN! Dinner time each night: A big meal, a little bit of what happened over the day, but then SPLINTERING OFF AND ALONENESS. Night time is a big time of feeling lonely for me, and this is because that's how we were at home: My parents just wanted to unwind, but after not being with them all day at school, I wanted to interact. But they didn't - Dad would fall asleep in the recliner and and Mom would watch public television while flossing her teeth. No talking once the meal was over! So I wanted, and have been trying ever since, to make the meals happen as often as possible. All in a quest for connection.

It's all so clear to me now! I grew up isolated from being able to just stop in at a friend's house, so that has never been a source of nourishment for me. Food was the only nourishment we had or needed out there on the farm. Human contact? That's what leisurelty city folks do - but not us! We've got a freezer full of meat and important work to do. So, get your food ate, chit chat's over: back to work!

This is totally awesome. So, what I really wanted last night was to hang out with someone. And of course I did - it was a Friday night. My social life has been down the tubes. I have been hiding out with food for so long I never realized that it really is the company of other people that I have been seeking. In fact, had you asked me, I went through a phase where the last thing I wanted was the responsibility of brining another person's issues into my life. But now, I see. It's not bad to want to hang out with other people. I've always felt that my desire to hang out with other people would come across as needy or clingy. And I think it often did, BECAUSE I WAS SO BUSY BEING AFRAID THEY WOULD KNOW I WANTED TO HAVE THAT CONNECTION! But now, suddenly, now that I know that hanging out with other people is EXACTLY what I want, I don't feel so clingy about it. I feel confident. I feel smart. I feel like calling someone up and saying, "Hey. I'd like to spend some time with you. Would you like to join me and go do xxx?"

This is awesome. So now, maybe I can just hang out with Mike, and remove the need to get a pizza or other food item to do it. Sorry if I'm sounding a little too excited, but this is a major break through for me on a long-standing behavior that I have never been able to understand. It changes everything - for the better. This is so great. I am running through a list of people right now who I would love to connect with but have been keeping at arms distance so as to not put them off with my "defect" of wanting to hang out with them. This is so cool! This opens everything up, and I know now that I can approach people with sincereity now, instead of trepidation. I know what I want out of hanging out with them now. I think this will be a big year of changes. For the better - all for the better. Thank you so much for listening - until tomorrow!