I Don't Look Like an Exerciser, and New Bras

I had off from work yesterday, and today is my other day off this week.

When I looked at these two days on my calendar, I thought, "oh! I'll be able to get so much done! I'll maybe film a couple sketches - I'll have two whole days to get at some things!"

I spent the entire day yesterday shopping. No exaggeration. I got up at 8 am to run errands, went to TJ Maxx for a couple things, and the next thing I new it was 6:30 p.m.

I'd like to be hard on myself and say that I have no restraint. While this may be true, the reality is that I needed some new clothes. It took me longer than I planned on it taking, but I got a lot of clothes at really good prices. So I'm not sure I can call it a waste of a day.

My first order of business was new bras and underwear. When I did the weight gain experiment last year, I thought I would hit my top weight goal and then immediately start dropping the weight. That didn't happen. And while I lost 30 pounds on the two-week water fast I did before the holidays, 15 of that has come back on.

So I needed more underwear so I can get through five days without having to do laundry. Also, I needed bras.

The bras I have are from when I weighed 195-211. I now weigh 224-227. The bras I have fit, but not well. The underwires jab into the sides of my breasts. This is bothersome, but something else has been coming up for me as well.

I have never had fun underwear. Oh, I've been given lingerie in my thinner days by the guy I was dating at the time. But that's not "fun" underwear. Lingerie is "work" underwear - it is to be put on, pranced around in for a bit, and then taken off. It is not comfortable necessarily. It is not even going to hold your breasts in place should you need to run down the street to catch the CTA that's about to pull away without you.

No, my underwear has always had a purpose. When I was a kid, I remember finding a three-pack of cotton underwear that had flowers and hearts on it, and asking my mom if I could get them. As an adult, I now know that my mom would head off a lot of our requests for their limited dollars by asking "what do you really need that for?" The flowered undies were no exception. "You don't need those," Mom said, taking them out of my hand and tossing them back by the others. "Who's going to see your underwear, anyway."

Wow. Did my mom just call me a whore at age 7?

So as an adult, I would buy sexy underwear, but always had this little, nagging, "Who's going to see them?" voice running through my head.

Yesterday, I found out who was going to see them.

Me.

I'm going to see them.

All these years I've always had two types of underwear: Slutty and Practical. I tried doing the thong thing - this is not underwear. This is not for moving around through an average day. This is for, hey, in case I get laid tonight, I am prepared!

Then, there's Practical underwear. Currently, I own three bras. They are all basic beige. I just bought a black one. Both of these are "work" bra colors to me.

So, yesterday I'm looking at bras, and they have some really fun, pretty bras in. And I think, you know what. I am the heaviest I have ever weighed, nobody *is* going to see these bras, and I want fun bras! For ME! *I* want them! I don't want them so some guy will see them and see how coordinated I am underneath it all. I don't wan them so I can be ready to do a strip tease if I meet a worthy catch at the grocery store. I WANT FUN UNDERWEAR BECAUSE IT IS FUN! It makes me happy! I will feel happy knowing that I got something fun for me and just me.

However, I did buy five bras because of a comment from an ex. I currently have three bras. I have always felt that bras were too expensive an item, so I've always only had about three. You might find this gross, he apparently did too, but I wear the three interchangeably through the week, and then wash them when I do laundry that week.

Well, yesterday I decided I was going to move a step up and get five bras - one for every work day of the week. Then I can move up to getting seven. We'll see how I do with that. Last night I got home and tried them on, and I was so glad I bought them. I felt happy and like a little girl getting her first cute bra. And it was my first cute bra, actually. I've never bought a pink, orange polka-dot, or zebra-striped bra before. It was liberating!

Then, I bought some clothes. The interesting thing here is how different clothes look differently at my different weights. At size 14 and 16, I look best with fitted cotton collared shirts with cardigans overtop. But at my current size 18/20, I look best in jersey knit v-neck t-shirts with cardigans over top. A scarf is a great distracter at both these weights, and I bought one yesterday that I really liked. Usually I buy stuff at the end of the season to get it on sale. I was surprised to find that sales are offered at the beginning of the season, to get people buying. I got a ton of new clothes yesterday for next to nothing. It was great!

The other great thing about this was that buying the bras and the clothes that fit me - I'm currently an XXL - felt really good. I didn't particularly like that I was that size. But just buying right-fitting clothes made me look better. I have always wondered how fat people could wear fashionable clothing - I mean, aren't they completely depressed when they look in the mirror? My answer: sort of. I mean, would I like to look differently in them? Yes. But do I feel good that I am wearing something in style and that they fit? Yes on that, too. Ultimately, it didn't matter to me what size the clothes were. The fact that I could wear them at all is what mattered. How kind is fashionable plus-sized clothing!

Final thought: me not looking like and "exerciser." The other day I was talking to someone about hiking, how I love going hiking in the summer, and how I loved it when I lived in Arizona and I could go hiking somewhere warm year round. They smiled, but then they kind of looked at me strangely. I had this image of what I must look like to them hiking in my head. It wasn't pretty. And the fact is, carrying all this extra weight around, I can't hike as easily as I could before. So, that's something to work on.

A side note: a co-worker of mine was told by this doctor that he needs to lose 50 pounds. The doctor said to him, though: "It can be really easy, it doesn't need to be a big deal. Just drop ten pounds a year, and in five short years, your goal is accomplished."

That's been kicking around in my head. I always feel like I have to DO IT NOW! GET RID OF IT NOW! So, maybe I need to change my thinking. I think I might have brought this up in a previous blog. But the thought still percolates.

That's it for today. Thanks for listening