Boys and Fuck Yous

This morning the scale said 226.

This isn't entirely surprising. I ate a small bag of M&Ms and a gyro last night. Which leads into the fuck you portion of the title.

I have this thing against goal setting. If I tell someone my goal, I get angry that they might hold me to it - so I generally go out and try to destroy it as quickly as possible. I destroy my own goals. So the person I told it to won't. HA! If I beat them to it, I won't be hurt when they do it to me. I'M BRILLIANT!!!!!!!

So, because I know this about me, I will then not tell anyone my goals. I will only set the goals with myself so I don't put my success or failure on anyone else. And what do I do with these goals? I destroy them, too! YES! Because people who set goals and attain them really annoy the rest of the world who do not set goals and therefore do not attain anything. I must keep myself down in order to be held in high regard!

Ugh. It's true. It's totally fucked up and it's totally true. That's how I've looked at things. For a very long time.

I really need to get that task of "find shrink" back to the top of my to do list.

So, the last two days I have had off. I had visions of getting all this stuff done. I got maybe 1/3 of it done. I didn't set grandiose goals. I set myself to do five things each day. I did three of them.

I'm bringing this up because that's what I have generally done with my weight goals, too. I will not tell people I am losing weight, and then it becomes apparent that I have, and they start complimenting me, and then I say, "Oh no! I see what's happening here! You think I'm accomplishing something! Well. Don't you worry about that! I can change that right quick!" and I start to gain the weight back and climb back under the veil of weight safety.

This morning I was thinking about my weight and my money - how with both of them, I like to keep myself buried. I like to dig out from under both my debt and my weight, for it's a laborous and savory dig. But once I get out in the light, instead of feeling free and happy and comfortable for having climbed out from under them, I find that I stand up for a minute on top of them, look around at this strange new terrain, and run back in underneath. This visual was very clear to me that that is how I operate. Always from underneath, like a troll under a bridge slinging insults and tin cans at the passersby who are comfortable walking out in the open up top where he is not.

I don't want to be that troll any more. I want to be able to walk comfortably up top in the daylight.

So that's some insight into the "Fuck You" portion of the title. Now. About the "Boy" portion.

There is a guy that I have liked for a very long time. We used to work together, and we would always kind of gravitate toward each other at events for and outside of work.

We no longer work together, and really don't see each other any more at all. But he's always been someone I've wanted to hang out with, to get to know better, to date.

His sister and I worked together too, and she used to say she'd love it if he and I would date. We were at a party together a few years back, and another mutual friend brought it out into the open - "Look. You like him. He likes you. Why don't you too start dating! Let's do this!" At which point, both of us got awkward and could then not find conversation between us. We haven't talked since.

I've checked for him on facebook, and when he recently joined, I waited a few days and then asked him to be my friend. He accepted the request. That's been it. No comments on each other's pages, no invitations to reconnect. From me to him or from him to me.

Anyway. I'd like to connect with him, and have been trying to think of what I could invite him to that would be casual enough for it to be casual, yet open enough that it could lead to more.

The problem is mainly, of course, my weight.

He was who I was thinking of the other night when I was feeling how fat I am now, and how there is no way I could approach him like this and say, "Would yoy like to go out with me?"

Cuz he wouldn't. I'm too fat and ugly right now.

But here's the even worse problem. When I do lose the weight, I think I would like to date. I've never really just dated - I've had guys like me, and then get into long-term relationships with them. Just dating has never been in my experience.

So what's my goal with this guy that I've liked for so long? Somebody to tide me over until I get hot enough to date some really hot guys? Or do I want to be with him, fat or thin?

I'd have to hang out with him again to find out. I guess what I'm afraid of is that I will date him and then we'll be committed and then I'll find somebody I like better. That is always what I fear men feel toward me: that they don't really like me - they just think they like me. But just you wait, they'll meet a woman they really love, and then I will be dropped. Again, issues from my parents. It's amazing to me we all have these skewed versions of the world based on our upbringings, and somehow we have societies that interact relatively well.

It boils down to me being afraid I won't love him long term if I do become thin and pretty. I'm afraid if I get hot, I'll think I'm too good for him. And I'll want somebody better than him. And I'll drop kick him. And he'll hate me and I'll be considered a whore for such behavior.

So the question remains: am I interested in him like a cat is interested in a mouse, just to see if I can catch him? Or do I want to get to know him, have a relationship with him? I know, this is really putting the cart before the horse, and I'm sure I can come up with one more farm animal cliche before bringing this post home to roost, but these are all things that make me hold off on moving forward. Today it's about this guy, tomorrow its about something else. I gotta be able to talk through it and see through my intentions before moving forward.

Well, I think what I'd like to do is just reconnect with him as friends and allow whatever to happen to happen. Maybe we still like each other and maybe we don't. Maybe we never did. All I know is that if I think about us dating, the thought of him talking with another woman sends me into a jealous rage that I have never felt with any of the guys I have ever dated. This is because I have never dated guys that I have felt that strongly about. I've always protected myself by staying with guys who I haven't cared that much about, because if they leave me, I won't be hurt. If another woman tries to take them away, I can say, "Thank you! I've been trying to get him to go for years!" If they break up with me, I can let go easily and say, "Ok. Have a great life!"

But if I give my heart to someone - truly give my heart to someone ... will I be able to trust them with it. Actually. I feel pretty certain I could trust my heart with him. The bigger question is this: could I trust me with his?

I'll act on this soon, and I'll keep you posted. Thanks for listening. Until next time.

Oh, by the way, I've decided I am going to just do a 40 day fast over the Catholic Easter Season. It begins Feb. 17, with Ash Wednesday, and runs through the first week of April. So, no 21-28 day fast - I'm going right for the big one. Doing that 21-28 day fast was never setting well with me, anyway. So, stay posted and we'll see how I do. Hopefully I come out of it walking on water. :]