Competition

Ok, so, I've mentioned in previous blogs about my fear of competition, and how the weight, in my mind, keeps me from being a competitor.

OK.

So what if I became a competitor? What harm, if any, would come of that?

This occured to me yesterday during my lunch break at work. There is a guy at work who is a lot younger than me, but we get along well, laugh a lot, but there is also professional respect. OK. He's in his 20s, I'm in my 30s. I've never considered dating a younger guy. I mean, what would we even have in common?

He is dating a coworker, and yesterday at lunch, they were sitting together. True to many guys I know, we might laugh and have fun together, but once the girlfriend is around, it's no talking. This has always made me feel like the other woman. But anyway, I over hear the girlfriend say something to him about what they were eating for lunch. She then finishes it with, "I don't want to eat it. I feel fat already, I don't want to feel fatter."

Suddenly, this cute, young girl was no longer on top of her shit like I thought she was. I mean, she is, she's smart and fun. But she's got the exact same weight worries that I do. She probably weighs 115, maybe 125 if she thinks she's so fat.

What struck me, is I felt this was a barb to me. I am clearly fat. She is saying out loud, I will not be. It's an attack - even let's say it wasn't aimed directly at me, it's aimed at the world as her position.

And suddenly, I realized my keeping of my weight is, in my mind, giving the exact same voice to my views as her keeping off the weight is giving voice to her views.

And then it became clear - I agree to not compete with these insecure girls who have to stay thin to be superior. I say, OK. I won't. You win.

But it occured to me then ... what if I started to compete?

Not over the top, trip you as you walk by competing. But, just being the best that I can be, and allowing whoever and whatever to happen, happen? What if I allow myself to try, and allow myself the possibility of getting hurt - but also allowing myself the possibility to experience a lot of joy?

I've been so busy trying to protect me from myself, and others from myself. And I just don't think there's anything I need to protect. I am a fun, good-hearted, loving person. What is there to protect from that? I am pretty. How awful! People like to be around people who like people. It is attractive. That is what makes people attracted to me. What a travesty!

So. I decided yesterday it's time I get in the ring. Time to offer my heart and my body and my soul to the people I meet, to the opportunities that present themselves to me. I could fail. OK. But I could succeed. And that would be amazing.

Thanks for listening. Until next time.